


Cat's Cradle

by siruru



Category: God Eater (Video Games)
Genre: Action, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Drama, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Post-Apocalypse, Potential Altruistic Suicide, Pre-Relationship, Reader-Insert, Requited Unrequited Love, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 19:58:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 52
Words: 52,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10601154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siruru/pseuds/siruru
Summary: It's coalition, pieces of wreckage melding together and not letting go.[Implied God Eater!Reader/Soma Schicksal] [Implied God Eater!Reader/Various]





	1. lost and found.

cat's cradle  
_i'm lost, trying to find a place where i belong_

"Hey, didya hear? We got a New-Type today!"

"Finally! They seem to be popping up everywhere recently."

It's one of the first things that Sakuya, Lindow, and Soma hear when they come back to the Den, though it's not surprising that word travels fast within the building, especially if there really isn't anything important going on. Sakuya gives the man next to her a questioning look, as Lindow simply whistles as his own form of interest towards the news. He's probably more preoccupied with thinking about the last can of rationed beer in her room. Soma keeps looking ahead with his hoodie over his head. He can feel them looking at him and whispering about anything they can, not that he really cares.

"I heard she's pretty cute! Maybe, we can talk to her later."

Soma decides to doesn't care about ever meeting this New-Type girl."

* * *

"Join Fenrir! Protect your home against the Gods!"

It's that type of cheap, half-assed propaganda that leads men to their early graves. You weren't aware of that though, you were just looking for your next meal and the recruiter had told you that God Eaters were given room, board, and a pretty stipend for their services to the greater good -- well, in exchanges for their bodies and lives. Yet, at 16 and freshly out of an "orphanage" with no real other prospects, you did what any other person might have done -- you signed up. A couple of days full of exams and the researchers seem at a buzz with your results -- _a New Type_ , is all you hear them murmur as they prod you with pins and needles. The next day a women with a stern but beautiful face hands you what seems to be a standard Fenrir uniform and moves you to a place she calls the Den.

"You will be taking your test through the next door," is all you remember her telling you, as the door closes behind and a large voice begins booming through the empty room. It's all metal and the smell of rust, except for the thing standing in the center. A chill runs through your spine because this the culmination of what you signed up for, but you aren't quite so sure anymore -- if only for a split second. 

_When you're ready...stand in the center of the room_ , is all you can really make out from the male's voice as you clench and unclench your hand. Steady after unsteady step and you are finally in front of the red behemoth of a machine and you place your hand in the center of it.

_**AHHH!!!** _

There is fire and burning onto your flesh that makes you drop to your knees. An injection somewhere in-between as something connects itself to your wrist -- your body, your soul. Through all the screaming, you almost feel like someone is whispering your name, shyly almost like a toddler, into your ear but the cooling metal of the bracelet now on your wrist makes you quickly forget all that. It takes you a moment to understand what has happened, but in all that weariness you can't really make out the black goo that seems to come out of the sword and connects to your bracelet.

The voice speaks again and welcomes you back to reality, it tells you to head to the next room to wait for a medical check-up. All you do is pick-up your sword and move out of the metallic room, feeling a bit heavier than before but they have _high hopes_ for you --- so it all can't be that bad, right? A few more explanations and you are back in the Den again, however this time there is a boy sitting where you once were. Yellow and orange outfit, red hair and you catch his attention the moment you sit down. 

"I'm Kota Fujiki," he is going on about a piece of gum, probably to help with the nerves. You smile and state your own name. His voice seems to calm down your own nerves better than any piece of gum could. His comment about being your new senior would have made you laughed, if it wasn't for the return of the stern-faced woman commanding you to stand up.

Tsubaki Amamiya is her name, as she gives the schedule for the rest of the day. It's a lot, probably more than anything you had done in a day up to this point, besides taking care of the other smaller children when the caretaker was too busy with everything else. She looks at you and you give her the most serious face you can muster -- she tells you to go meet Dr. Sakaki and tour the rest of the facility when you're done.

"Welcome to your new home."

That one single sentence catches your off-guard, but it makes all the sense in the world that the Den would be your new home; the large red bracelet is placed on your wrist was proof of all that. The nervous are quickly replaced by giddiness and that smile on your face makes Tsubaki stop her speech for just a nanosecond because she isn't sure if she should be worried, especially when she just told you not to be a fool and make careless mistakes. She let it slide for now.

"Yes, ma'am!"

You follow Kota's example before the two of you head to the upper parts of the Den. The former God Eater turns to look at you for a second, as Kota tries talking to you more about his interests and asking about yours. For a moment, that smile belongs to someone else and she isn't quite sure if she is ready to handle another one of those.

**it was decided from the very beginning.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catch me on the flip side: [writing tumblr](http://the-canary.tumblr.com/)


	2. smile and survive.

_a day may come where we don't make it._

Kota is always smiling, smiling so much that you wonder if it hurts at times. From the short time you have spent together, you are sure that yellow is truly his color with how much he can laugh and talk about a single subject when he puts his mind into it. However, after coming back from training he seems a bit quieter than usual and it makes you a bit concern. Your own training hasn't started yet, but you can't help but wonder if that along with Tsubaki's training are starting to get to him. You pause from eating your giant corn for a moment and poke his cheek.

"Hey...are you okay?"

"Oh...yeah! Just a little homesick."

He murmurs more to himself than you as you let out a small noise of confirmation. You wonder what type of family he must have that causes him to miss them so much, not that you would know much about that. Maybe, he has a little sister with a smile just as bright as his or a mother with his endless energy to keep up with such a rowdy kid that you have come to believe Kota was in his childhood. You hum while thinking such inconsequential thoughts. Something breaks his daze as he turns his head to the right and a goofy smile spreads onto his face, but you are busy looking at something more important left alone and abandoned on his plastic plate.

"Mine!"

"Hey, why are you grabbing my giant corn!?"

"Too slow, kiddo."

"That's no way to talk to your superior officer!"

You both laugh and smile. It's seems to grab a certain someone's attention.

* * *

Everyone seems to smile when you first met them, though they are all a bit different. Tsubaki's is more stern as she gives you orders, but a little proud as you and Kota seem to be getting used to being God Eaters. Dr. Sakaki's is a little crazy when you first meet him during the medical check (maybe, because he was looking at your numbers?) and the Director's was somewhat egoistical, though you could understand why. Lindow's smile is the one that catches your attention the most though, it's easygoing with a confident tug at the end, but it can form into a steel line as well -- like when he tells you his three...no four rules to being a God Eater. He is certainly a good teacher, maybe this is almost what it means to have a big brother watching you back, or teasing you whenever way they can.

Survive, that's what he tells you is the biggest rule to being a God Eater. _Survive. Survive_ , you murmur it to yourself over and over again, as you blast at the Ogretail high above you. As you dash and tumble for cover, heaving large gulps of air in order to better handle the thin blade with one hand instead of both of them. You watch Lindow and try to imitate what he is doing because he surely has to know a thing or two about the concept to be a superior officer, even though he looks so young. Jumping to hack the last monster in front of you makes you pause for a second and stare it blankly for a moment. 

_Worthless! You shoulda---_

"'Kay, rook! Looks like we cleared the area, not bad!" Lindow's voice, carefree but impressed, breaks you out of your reverie. You nod and give him an uneasy grin. You're tired and dirty, but you survived and that's all that really matter at the end of the day. It takes an hour for the Fenrir helicopter to arrive and pick you up, but you're more than happy to get some more pointers from the Corporal. 

There aren't a lot of people in the Den's lobby as you enter, but your day still isn't over because after eating and debriefing, there is still Tsubaki's training and Dr. Sakaki's Aragami lesson. One sounds more boring than the other, though both are bound to be easy to handle if they are with Kota. 

"So, yeah. That's it for today, try to get some rest and eat," it is the last thing he tells you before leaving you to whatever other stuffy work superior officers have to do. 

"Yes, sir!" is all you can murmur with a small nod of appreciation towards the older man.

You head up the stairs, seemingly unaware of the person moving down them at the same time. Maybe, because he has a hoodie over where his face should be, but for a moment you can see the bottom half of their face -- a frown or a grimace, you can't really decided, but it doesn't leave your mind, even with everything you still have on schedule until the end of the day.

**scream, suffer but make it through.**


	3. competition.

cat's cradle  
_live like you don't have a choice._

"Sakuya looks like you'll be training the rookie today," Lindow casually tells the younger woman during one of their impromptu team meetings. Sakuya smiles and nods before going back to her lunch. Soma doesn't say anything, as he pushes himself further onto the brown couch and pulls his hoodie over his face when he sees two younger Old-Type God Eaters looking at him before they go back to eating.

Soma hated when Unit 1 had these sudden meetings, but he really couldn't ignore Lindow's orders when he personally has Tsubaki breathing down his neck. So, it helped a little that Lindow didn't enjoy or cared for them either much or that he simply forgot about them, but even the easygoing Corporal had to follow protocol at times. 

"I've been hearing good news about her all this time," Sakuya's voice breaks his train of thought, as it seems that the two childhood friends have started talking about the New-Type and the other newest God Eater recruit, though Soma couldn't remember his name at the moment.

"Well, having a New-Type might make some things easier, depending on what team she is placed in," Lindow states before taking a sip of his beer. 

It might be true, because while Unit 1 tends to train most new God Eaters, they usually went to another team that needed the manpower -- Lindow's unit had been a 3-man team ever since Tsubaki had retried but nobody seemed to fit their criteria correctly to be part of the first line of defense for the Far East Branch. It was awkwardly silent for a moment, as Lindow takes a cigarette out of his jacket pocket. 

Assuming that the meeting was over, Soma gets up and walks out of the communal dinning room to some place where he wouldn't be bothered, probably his own room. Lindow looks at him for a moment before shrugging at Sakuya's concerned look.

"Looks like we'll have to see how she does with Soma's training, if Tsubaki wants her to join us."

* * *

You remember Sakuya Tachibana from when you first met Lindow. A pretty young woman, a couple of years older than you, with his sense of humor and wearing some rather reveling clothes. Yet, she looks so different this time around, greeting you with her sniper gun God Arc in one arm and high heels digging into the ground below and for a moment you are utterly amazed. 

"You must be the new recruit!" she smiles and introduces herself. It would be a lie to say that you weren't stuck on her every word, but unlike Kota it was more due to her basically telling you that you would be leading this mission and be the main force of attack towards the Aragami. It makes you a little nervous, as you readjust your grip on your own God Arc. 

_Relax. Don't Freeze. I'll follow. We're a team._

It is really all you remember from her little speech, as you both jump off the cliff and into the unknown. You steel yourself and run towards the first Ogretail that you see, but you pause and make sure that Sakuya is close behind -- at your sixth, as you remember all the strange military lingo Tsubaki tried to teach you. You forget all about stealth, as you dash towards the large beast and slash it in its momentary confusion. Sakuya is always behind you, either ready to provide medical help or to hit the beast right between the eyes. 

The last one's first attack towards you catches you off-guard and Sakuya readies her gun, but you stop her with one hand signal. She pauses for a moment, as she watches you run straight towards it and she wonders if you have really been taking Lindow's advice to heart, but that soon changes when she sees the advantages of being a New-Type in your quick maneuvering -- one quick dash and your weapon goes from a light sword to a gun and visa-versa. 

"Shoot!" is all she heard you yelling in her general direction, but she is quick to notice that you are also motioning her which direction she should be placed in with you eyes and slight hand movement -- almost, if not exactly like Lindow when they were younger. 

She doesn't stop shooting the Ogretail until the end of the battle when you run to its side and dig the buster sword part of your God Arc deep into the Aragami's right side. The both of you pause as it makes a sickening thump onto the ground, some strange urge has you walking up closer to it in small and hesitant steps. 

_Please be dead. Please be dead._

You're breathing heavily once the battle is said and done. You stare at the Aragami blood spilled on the ground before pushing your God Arc and taking its core. Something touches your shoulder, as you quickly turn around and see Sakuya grinning at you. She congratulates you on a job well-done, but all you feel is tired and maybe hoping to sleep in the helicopter ride on the way back. You wonder how Lindow does all this, but your raging thoughts quickly succumb to sleep once you feel the worn leather underneath your body.

"Thank you," is all you can murmur to the beautiful God Eater before taking the elevator to the upper parts of the Den, probably the temporary room that they had given you for a good rest, at least that's what Sakuya hoped, though that seemed unlikely since she knew how tough Tsubaki could be with the new recruits, especially if she saw some type of potential in them.

"It looks like you've got competition, _leader_ ," Sakuya winks at Lindow after letting you go. Lindow laughs, as she sits next to him.

"Looks like she just needs the approval of one more person," is all he can really say, as he places his arm around her shoulder and pulls her in a little closer.

**though it may not be pretty, the bud of a tiny flower bloomed.**


	4. first.

_you've been dreaming of a certain type of world._

Soma wonders if it is a natural trait for New-types to be so nosy (he'll think this again when he meets Alisa for the first time, so he theorizes by then that it probably is). It is not just because she's a New-Type anymore that Soma hears other people talking about her. Outside of his own unit, Tsubaki is proud of how quickly she is taking up her training and learning about being a God Eater - _more like pushing herself into an early grave_ , Soma thinks wearily. Both the Director -Soma feels the momentary angry growing inside of him at the thought of his father- and Old Man Sakaki seem interested in learning more about how her special abilities can be of use for them, but in two every different ways. Everyone is already friendly with the New-Type girl as she can usually be found talking to someone within the Den's lobby whenever she has a break. She's already craving her space within the Den, but what will happen when she's gone?

"Soma! Soma! Did you hear the news?" Blue eyes flicker up from his spot on the couch to see a young red-haired man calling his name. Eric der Volgelweid isn't very close to Soma (whoever is?) but he isn't one to be bothered by the older man constantly giving everyone the cold shoulder, thus Soma can tolerate him a bit more than other people. As such, Soma doesn't make any notion towards answering his question and Eric keeps talking.

"We'll be training the New-Type today. Isn't that exciting?" Eric talks gleefully in his general direction, as he continues to go on about training the new generation, the heroics of being a God Eater, and whatever other fancy delusions he creates for himself.

Soma gets up from the couch because Lindow clearly hadn't told him that this was going to be part of today's mission, though he isn't very sure where the Corporal is, he is certain that he can find either him or Sakuya rather quickly. Eric who is left forgotten, watches his senior take the elevator to the upper parts of the Den, but when it comes down his younger comrade comes out. She is bright-eyed and a lot less nervous than he was at this point within his own training.

"This will be good," Eric whispers to himself rather excitedly.

* * *

"Don't just stand there, fight!"

Everything happens so quickly -seeing those two, Eric introducing himself, the attack- that you don't have time to react as the hooded man slashes at the Ogretail that attacked no, killed Eric. Both of them are dead and lying on the ground in front of you. Your hands are clammy, as you grip in your God Arc a bit harder. There is a rock stuck in your throat and your eyes are burning for a moment. This wasn't your first time seeing a dead Aragami or seeing a dead human for that matter, but Eric had just been so nice in that brief moment. Unconsciously, your right hand finds its way clenched tightly near your chest when the hooded man begins to speak - hard and cold, like a true veteran God Eater.

"Well there you go, welcome to this godforsaken work place," he is looking at the scene before turning to you and you see a young man -definitely older than you, but younger than Lindow and Sakuya- with tan skin and blond hair. He tells you his name is Soma, someone that you have heard of from other God Eaters - _stay away, he's dangerous_ \- but someone you thought would be much older from his years of experience.

"Don't waste your time remembering it, neither of us will be here long," he starts questioning you about what you thought being a God Eater was going to be. Whatever fear and anger, you might have felt is replaced with indignation over his rather callous speech as Eric's warm body only lays a few feet away from the two of you. He turns his back to you and you grip your God Arc harder than before, suddenly remembering something from a long time ago.

_Darling, sweetheart...you have to make the most out of live. Promise me, no?_

Wouldn't it have been better if you died instead of her?

"...the time for mourning has come and gone. We've got a mission," You puff your cheeks slightly because as quickly as he was reprimanding you, he was moving into the mission and giving you pointers. But, it was the same as all the other God Eaters told you - _stay away from me_.

You don't know if it is your own past coming to haunt you or that the smell of rotting flesh is starting to reach your nostrils, but you take one small step towards him and voice your thoughts.

"I'm sorry, but during my last couple of training sessions I've been taught that working together keeps the team alive. I won't be staying away from you, even if you do have some sort of death wish... **sir**."

You try using the change of command in your favor, especially since you don't know his personality very well outside of his little tirade. He stays quiet before marching forward without ever replying to your own outburst. You look at Eric's body one more time and bow your head before following Soma onto the battlefield.

The mission is over as quick as it started and somehow the both of you manage to stay alive, but Soma doesn't direct a single word towards you after the mission, though you give him a small thank you before going to meet up with Kota. The older man is left with the larger task of filling out the mission report and while he doesn't answer any of Lindow's questions outside of Eric's death, the Corporal is pleasantly surprised to see the next day at the end of a certain report in neat and almost cursive-like handwriting.

_I, Soma Schicksal approve of the New-Type 00-1's transfer._

**but, what are you doing to achieve your perfect happiness?**


	5. backfire.

cat's cradle  
_what are you afraid to show the world?_

_**I won't be staying away from you, even if you do have some sort of death wish...sir.** _

That simple statement doesn't leave his mind for days, even less whenever he is alone with the dark notions that seem so rooted in his thought process by now. How many times have people said something in the same vein of the New-Type's statement to him? _Not enough_ , he is all too aware of that, he hadn't even heard something like that from even his own father -- not that it mattered at this point. But, he knew that the New-Type would regret it at some point, they all did eventually when they found out what he could do (what he really was) or when they got hurt due to their association with him. Some lame excuse or even worse, they ended up like Eric. They were gone, while he was left with nothing.

He pulls his hoodie back and pushes his body further into the brown couch that was standard in every top-notch God Eater's room. A ragged and weary sigh leaves his body, as he closes his eyes, but that damn New-Type's voice was still ringing loud and clear in his head.

Any type of human contact always backfired on him, so wasn't it better to be alone?

* * *

It doesn't take Tsubaki long to announce to both of you what God Eater team you're going to be part of -- Unit 1. It surprises you for a moment, but Kota takes it all with stride and huge smiles, though you later find out it is because he wanted to be in the same team as Sakuya -- he might even have a crush on her or a small case of hero worship, you aren't quite so sure. Outside of Dr. Sakaki's lessons, Tsubaki gives you free range to learn more about Unit 1 before going out on your first real mission with them. It isn't hard to find out more about Lindow, Sakuya and...Soma from the NORN database, but you don't feel like that is enough -- maybe interacting with them outside of battle would start fostering feelings of teamwork between all of you. You smile to yourself since it sounds like a very-Lindow thing to do. 

"First mission target: _Sakuya Tachibana_!" you whisper after your lesson with Dr. Sakaki. Kota had left you to your own devices since he seemed down after talking about the Aegis Project and the Outer Ghetto's problems. Yes, it bothered you, but unlike him all your connections to the outside world had been cut off already, though how was due to various different reasons you didn't like to think about. You make it to the downstairs portion of the Den when you hear your name being called -- Sakuya is in front of the television (something about Outer Ghetto protests?) and she gushes about your performance, but then she begins to gently chastised you about dying young and making foolhardy actions. 

You almost want to say something against the last part ( _I don't care, wouldn't it be easier in the long run?_ ), but you bite your tongue and decide to say nothing at all. It was easier to deal with people with a smile rather than tears or other negative emotions, you knew that all too well from personal experience. So, you nod until someone starts talking behind you, but speaking about long lives made your stomach churn in an irritated sort of way. 

"Who's ready for some God Eating?" he continues with familiar laugh and you turn around to see Lindow coming down the stairs as he informs the two of you that it is a 3-man mission with you being the switch-hitter. He keeps going on that dismissal time is in 15 minutes and leaves you and Sakuya to get ready.

A half an hour later, the three of you are in the helicopter and what could be considered your first real mission as part of Unit 1. You grip your God Arc a bit tighter than usual but it is not due to pre-battle jitters, no you were getting used to those. It was due to trying to ask someone to actually spend time with you because it was easy for some adults to dismiss a starving kid crying for attention. So you release an unsteady breathe and look at the "beautiful amazon maiden" as Kota likes to call her. 

"I-I was wondering if after this mission. I could talk and get to know each of you better, you know for team building?" you finish asking and give Sakuya a small awkward smile that makes the older woman almost want to rave. She nods and promises to meet up with you some time before dinner, though Lindow has something else in mind when he starts speaking.

"If ya wanna know more about us, does that mean Soma too?" he isn't sure why he asks that at first, but he has known Soma long enough to know that any half-hearted attempt isn't going to get through to him. However, his gut tells him that maybe you and by extension Kota would be a good start for him to form some type of friendship outside of himself and Sakuya. Lindow watches you pout for a moment, as if almost recalling your first meeting with the blonde before speaking.

"I didn't have the best first meeting with him, but that doesn't mean I'll give up!" you say with a mix of excitement and stubbornness that Lindow didn't know you had, but the response makes him grin and laugh. However, all the giddiness and fun soon disperse when the pilot tells the three of you that you'll be landing in 10 minutes. Your smile turns into a serious face that almost reminds Lindow of Tsubaki, but he can't help but grin at the idea of Soma being chased around by a girl -- something he knows the blonde isn't used to.

_Well, that kid doesn't know what she's gotten herself into yet, huh?_

**what are all the ugly parts inside your heart?**


	6. interactions

cat's cradle  
_do you believe that there's inherent value in life?_

He wonders if everyone notices that there seems be something off about the New-Type, though he isn't quite too sure what it is either. The first time he sees it within the reports that Lindow shows him of her progress. _Quick thinker, good strategist, team player_ \-- all the praise a rookie can get from Tsubaki, Lindow, and Sakuya which is much easier said than done. But, in the former Lieutenant's slick handwriting, he can see it clear as day -- _too reckless with own body, strategies are consistent but puts herself in constant danger, high probability of serious injury or worse_. It's almost like she doesn't care, but nobody says that out loud, more like she's a newbie and still hasn't gotten used to using a God Arc.

The second time he sees it is during a particular interaction with Kota and some of the members of Unit 2. While, Soma knows that she is trying to interact with him, he isn't ready nor does he really want to get dragged into her world of pretty smiles and tepid friendships. He watches from afar as she and Kota talk with Kanon and Gina. The oldest woman's voice is gruff as she questions the two newest members of the Far East branch.

_What would you do if you weren't a God Eater?_

Kota goes on a long rant about his family and enjoying his days like the teenagers he had seen on _Bugarally_ , Kanon is shy but would like to go traveling and try out different foods, something Gina agrees to. However, when it turns to the New-Type, she is quite and Soma finds himself sitting up a bit more to hear her response. From the angle he is sitting in, he can see her clutching her knuckles to the point they are slowly turning white and her eyes for a moment are blank, as if the life had been sucked out of them. But, just as quickly that look on her face is gone, replaced with a goofy smile and a silly laugh.

"Probably find a better food than giant corn on the cob!"

The most recent was during the dead of night when most of the God Eaters were sleeping and Soma was just returning from an overnight mission given directly to him from the Director. He isn't quite sure why he ends up in the first floor of the dorms, that house the newer God Eaters, but for a moment he sees her sitting in the lounge not too far away from the elevators, though she apparently hadn't heard him enter. Soma stays in the darker side of the hallway, as he watches her shake her leg in what seems to be anxiety, a drink in her hand, and some crumpled pieces of paper lying next to her. Her body is shaking, almost as if she is crying and it makes Soma suddenly feel uncomfortable as he pulls his hoodie up and goes back to take the elevator to finally call it a night. However, he blames his excellent hearing that can he for being able to hear her whisper, cold and harshly, so unlike the tone of voice she uses in front of all the other people within the Den.

_"Why is living so unfair?"_

* * *

It's easy to talk to Lindow, whenever you get to see him. Some praise, a good laugh, and some good-natured jokes outside of the tips and tricks he gives you in order to be a better God Eater. Some you can use and others you can't, not just simply because of the differences of being a New-Type versus being an Old-Type, but safety and precaution go against the reckless nature that bubbled underneath your skin, completely against all the warnings that _you shouldn't die so young_.

It's a little easier to talk to Sakuya, maybe cause she is the only other woman in Unit 1. In a similar way to Lindow, she gives you tips but they are between trying to get you to try new outfits outside of the standard God Eater uniform and various other "big sister" things. She smiles and tells you how nice you would look with your hair up in some strange hairdo, though it doesn't have the same effect when you try it on your own, though you do find yourself changing outfits every so often. For a moment, it reminded you of someone else --from the hazy dream of your childhood-- and it takes you several days to work up the courage to visit Sakuya again.

However, Kota had to be the easiest, maybe because you had known him the longest and even though he was your superior (by seconds); he was actually quite the simple person. He loved _Burgarally_ , and cared about his mother and younger sister even more. Though he was fascinated by Sakuya now, you wonder if it would last forever. Maybe he was just like a regular teenaged boy from back in the old days that moved from love interest to another -- at least, that is what you had seen from the old sitcoms that the NORN database provided. He smiles like the sun, but he worries constantly about the Outer Ghetto and the Aegis Project and you aren't quite sure what to say about his strong will to live.

_Soma_...Soma is the hardest person to find and even harder to interact with. You find yourself watching through the cracks of Sakuya's door in order to see whenever the older man might come out of his room, which wasn't very often. You smile and greet him whenever you see him in the halls or within the Den, much to the surprise of everyone that is drawn to you and stays away him. He never says anything nor does he really look at you since his face is always hidden by the blasted blue hoodie! 

It is a few days after your first official mission with everyone in Unit 1, when a faceless older God Eater who you don't quite remember ever talking to comes up to the table that you're sharing with Kota. Concern seems to be written on their face, but there is something in their eyes that puts you on high alert -- malice, as they smile and make sure that Soma is within hearing distance when they start talking. 

"You should be careful with him, _Grim Reaper and Death all rolled into one_. Killing everyone that gets close to him or don't you remember what happened to Eric?"

The veteran God Eater doesn't say anything, but simply gets up from his seat and out of the communal eating area. You pause for a moment, as Kota gives you a concerned look because while he was aware about what you had seen, the two of you hadn't talked about the subject at all. But, you do remember what happened to Eric, too clearly when you close your eyes or whenever you talk to the little girl --haughty but sweet-- that asks about her older brother. If you were a bit more empathetic, you would have cried for her, but you weren't and all you did was pat her on the back and give her a few choice words -- it wasn't like death and loss were foreign to you, and neither was the grieving that followed. Yet, wasn't it just the process of life?

"Maybe you should watch out for yourself more, especially if ya wanna keep living."

"W-What?"

"Ya never know who's actually gonna go first, _mister_."

You give a pointed smile and the temperature in the room seems to drop.

**what's the point of living with all this loneliness, anyways?**


	7. move.

  
_and i called out to you, but none answered back._  


If you thought about it hard enough, which you did all too often, being part of a God Eater team was sort of like living back in the orphanage -- for lack of a better word. Being a God Eater has its perks, like food and having a decent room, but that's if you beat your opponent for the day...if you made it to the end. Living in the Outer Ghetto was a constant struggle to survive from finding something to eat to looking for a place where everyone could huddle up for the night without getting kicked out. Adults and even kids a little bit older than you would either yell or fight with your small group. You didn't hate them for it --everyone was just trying to survive in the long run, but that didn't mean you were going to give up so easily either. You might have been the smallest, but you swung a mean hard punch when need be, even stabbed a person once or twice. You were good at hurting other people, the group's first line of defense, just like with Unit 1 now. However, you wonder if they knew that they weren't going to survive once you came of age and they kicked you out. There wasn't anyone as reckless as you, even Mark with all his bloated talk of how strong and great he was, was too scared to hurt himself or others. Everyone was a coward in the end. 

That's when the letters started to came in from the one person that could write. 

_Ana. Mari. Jun._ \-- Those were all names you knew, but hadn't gotten to know them as well as certain people. Then, one day the letters stopped coming and it made your stomach drop. It was a nauseous sensation that you tried to control for much of the day. You wanted to believe everything was okay, but you knew better than that by now. Then, a small piece of paper is all you get after a long while (messy and somewhat hard to read) and it states one simple message.

_Yoriko is dead._

Suddenly, all you really do have is Unit 1 and the Far East Branch.

* * *

"You're dismissed."

"Thank you and it won't happen again, sir."

Lindow sighs as he watches you leave the small lounge area. Word of your little outburst had reached his ears and he couldn't let you go without a word as your superior officer, especially if Tsubaki already knew about it. It wasn't as if you were threatening the man, but you had seemed to scare some people in order to defend Soma, even if it was indirectly. You were remorseful, but Lindow knew better and saw it in the way your eyes were glazed over and the words just seem to automatically fall out of your mouth. He had to wonder how much you had gotten in trouble before if this was the automatic response. He heaves a sigh and takes another chug of his rationed beer, as he sees a door slowly close in front of him and he briefly wonders what Soma thought of the whole incident he had indirectly caused. Maybe, he would ask later?

"This team, I swear."

It wasn't that the team work was bad, but it wasn't completely there yet. Lindow had been quick to see from the reports where there still needed to be connections made and forged. For example, while Kota trusted you and Sakuya, he tended to stay away from Soma. In return, the blonde connected well with Sakuya, but stayed away from you and Kota. You and Sakuya tried to help everyone equally, but you tended to push forward and attack whenever you got the chance. Unit 1 still needed work, but Lindow knew who could make something out of his rag-tag team, **if only he had the time**. So, he sends the four of you on little missions that tend to make certain people work together, even when he can't be there to guide all of you. Learn to have each other's back and _not die_ , even if those are the only things that are successful during a mission. It is slow and odd at first, but he can see it slowly taking shape, then he gets the news.

_I have assigned another New-Type to your unit, Lindow._

He doesn't answer back when the Director gives him that order, though it does seem a bit fishy. He has his doubts even after he meets the young Russian girl by the name of Alisa. He watches from a little ways back as his team interacts with the haughty young girl. Kota makes a fool of himself and Alisa quickly sets her jaws on him. Soma doesn't say anything and Sakuya is smiling at their younger members' little interactions. Kota keeps talking nervously about global warming, as you come in and begin to talk to the younger girl as Tsubaki tells Lindow to follow her. He watches as the elevator door closes and you outstretch your hand while Alisa watches you cautiously.

"Nice to meet ya! It's good to have another New-Type!"

"Ah, so you're the other New-Type! I've heard a lot about you."

"Well, I am here to help if you need anything!"

You laugh and she smiles, everything seems okay for the moment. 

**it's useless to chase after those who have already gone.**


	8. baby steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sort of an accumulation of the character interactions in Resurrection.

cat's cradle  
_my tears have dried and i want to know for sure..._

Alisa isn't sure what to exactly think of the older New-Type within Unit 1. She has a tendency of smiling in her direction too much and trying to get the Russian to interact with Kota and other God Eaters within the Den, even if she had stated before that she didn't want to. Alisa wants to be annoyed with her, but there are moments where they sit in silence and Alisa finds herself wanting to talk about the latest trends or simply what she might like. Alisa almost wants to be friends with older girl and when she does decide to talk, she gives her a small smile. And like that, the proud girl lets herself asks for help when it comes to real-life God Eater missions. _No problem_ , she says and they go on training missions with Lindow's approval, sometimes with the other members of Unit 1. Alisa feels like this is something that she could get used to, especially when the older girl mentions how much she is improving.

"Hey Alisa..."

Her face a bit more timid than usual as Alisa finds herself standing in the middle of the night in her pajamas, wondering what she could want and then the Russian notices it. Her hair is a little shorter, reaching the base of her neck, than Alisa imagined it to be outside of her constantly changing hairstyles. Unlike Alisa who wearing in shorts and a tank top, she is wearing sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, clutched tightly in her hands is a small worn out book. It wasn't a children's book, but more like those short chapter books she used ready when she was younger. Alisa looks at the book and back at her blushing face, ashamed and embarrassed all at once.

"What can I help you with?"

"W-Well, I was wondering if you could help with something?"

"With that book? Do you know how..."

Alisa's question trails off as the older girl's face gets brighter, she shakes her head and explains that while she does know the basics, there wasn't any way to better her situation. No schooling and no parents, is all she says before closing her mouth and shutting down Alisa's curiosity on her past life. The blond nods and lets her inside, as she sits on the standard brown couch. There is still a space between them where they aren't willing to spill secrets of what they could be hiding from each other, but there seems to be something --a little bud-- growing between these two girls, maybe trust, maybe even friendship.

"Well, I am telling you now that this isn't going to be easy!"

"Y-Yes, ma'am!"

* * *

"Hmm...look for a cloud that...looks like a bunny..." Soma hears murmuring from the other side of the bookshelf, as he returns the latest mathematics book he was skimming through back to its proper place. It wasn't something that a lot of people knew about him, but he took after both his parents (unfortunately) of reading anything he could find, though there were certain subjects that really piqued his interest -- math and history were just the latest ones, though it was more about revolutions and rebellions with his current state of mind. 

Not a lot of people visited the Far East Branch's library, Soma was one of the few along with Licca and Dr. Sakaki, though that might be because it was more research-based than anything else. So, he was surprised to turn the corner and see a certain New-Type sleeping on the large table that was set up near the back of the room. Her hands were covering her face, as she slept on without a care. A large stack of older books to her right with some data pads to her left. A sheet of paper was placed in the center with scribbles that looked like the English alphabet. It didn't take long for Soma to figure what was going on and it was understandable since she came from the Outer Ghetto, but he was still a little astonished. 

He was about to turn and leave when she began to stir. She raises her head and blurry eyes find him immediately. She stifles a yawn, as the realization slowly dawns on her that Soma had found her in the library, doing what she is doing. It makes a blush slowly overtake her cheeks, but it doesn't seem to faze him.

"You shouldn't be falling asleep here," he calmly states, as she nods. Turning her body to face him and fiddling with her hands, almost as if waiting for him to say or do something even worse. He almost wants to question her actions, but he kills that curiosity just as quickly as it appears. They still haven't really talked since the mission where Eric died and Soma had hoped to keep it that way, at least for his personal sanity.

"T-Thanks, I'll remember that next time," is all that she mumbles, as she slowly stands and tries to put all her books away. Soma lingers and catches sight of a small worn out book in the older book stack -- he knows it all too well, used to read it constantly when he was younger, as if it were a friend. He walks up and puts his hand on the stack, his question surprising both of them.

"What exactly are you trying to do?" He asks and though he already knows the answer, he wants her to confirm it. Her face gets a bit brighter, as she gazes down at the paper with rather ineligible handwriting. 

"I'm not very good at _this_ ," she gestures to the objects on the table --reading and writing, from what Soma understands, "so, I asked Alisa to help. She gave me some worksheets and I've been practicing."

"And the books?" He picks up the small novella and opens it to the last page. **Soma** , written in block letters, very different from his current style of writing, as the New-Type continues with a small laugh. 

"She said to look for books I want to read. Like goals, but it's mostly strategy and stuff from a long time ago," she states but mentions that Alisa had to leave because Tsubaki had called her, so she ended up falling asleep -- like Soma had found her. 

"I really don't know how to do this... _all alone_ ," she complains softly, but Soma catches it. Blue eyes look from the old book to her staring at the stacks in front of her like a lost child, very different from the serious or rather crazed looks on her face when they had fought Aragami together. It bothers him and he isn't sure why, but he ends talking the seat across from her. She stares at him wide-eyed for a moment, as he gestures her to sit down again. 

"We're going to run through the basics. You can pick it up from there, if not ask the other New-Type," he says in a serious but less annoyed voice than usual. She takes her seat and the blonde takes a new sheet of paper to write down the alphabet along with the dictionary not to far from his reach. 

They stay like that until dinner time when Lindow has to come into the library where he sees two youngsters -- one laughing and the other with a light scowl on his face. And even if Soma decides to never help her again, at least she had this moment and the fundamentals, because those were important too!

**...the actual meaning of this loneliness.**


	9. halt.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah, that mission is next~.

_there's a transformation happening in the depths of my heart..._

It's painfully slow, but Lindow can see it -- team progress! It is more obvious in the youngest members of Unit 1 because he sees all of them --Alisa, Kota, and her-- coming out of Dr. Sakaki's room after their Aragami lessons and eat together, even if Alisa and Kota end up fighting most of the time. If they have the right timing, mostly on her part, they could catch Soma on a good day when he decides to eat outside of his room. Sakuya is there sometimes and it seems that she is slowly bonding with Alisa over fashion and different trends. However, the most striking change that he sees is the young New-type always seems to be carrying some type of book during her free time. Some times she is reading it and others she is scribbling something in it. He can hear Alisa giving her pointers here and there, other times it is Soma -- both hidden in the library-- giving her a new book recommendation, even Dr. Sakaki got in on the action by giving her some books --Aragami research that seemed to go over her head regardless of her sudden curiosity. 

She talks and smiles to people when they grab her attention, but sometimes it just isn't enough to drag her away from whatever book she was reading. It might have caught some people off-guard, some even made fun of her for it, but they were usual put in their place when a certain hoodie-wearing youth walked into the room, not that she was currently aware of that. Both Lindow and Sakuya were aware that the New-Type was embarrassed about her recent endeavor, but they both understood where she was coming from since they had grown outside of the walls of the Outer Ghetto. But, to Lindow, it was interesting to see how wrapped up Soma could be in her progress from what he had seen -- small discussions here and there, answering questions when she didn't understand what a certain word meant. Lindow wonders whether it was due to her stubbornness or Soma's natural curiosity since most things were handed to him because of who Johannes was within Fenrir, whether he liked to admit it or not. However, it brought a certain thought into Lindow's mind and he lets it out one day after a mission between just the two of them.

"Sooo, what do you think of the New-Types?" His question is met with silence, but Lindow half-heartedly expected that. He turns around to look back out the window, though he almost misses the cautious murmur.

"...'re all right."

* * *

You watch Alisa walk out of Dr. Sakaki's room after the Aragami lecture. The talk of a potential human Aragami angered her too much and for a moment you understood why, because in the end of the day there wasn't anybody who wasn't affected by those monsters -- your had been in multiple ways. You excuse yourself and drag Kota, who is barely waking up from his nap back to the floor lounge that houses both your rooms. However, you have to agree with Dr. Sakaki that it was only a matter of time, anything with a will to survive was scary that way. Kota sits down and rubs the sleepiness out of his eyes, as you grab a can of Iced Curry juice from the vending machine. The pop of the can echoes rather loudly, as Kota's yawn follows. 

"Have you been getting enough sleep?" you question the younger boy, thoughts of Russians and gods pushed back to the edge of your mind.

"Nozomi's been sick. I've been going back to help," he gives you a sleeply smile as you coo about a "cute big brother". The comment makes him blush a little and let out a sheepish laugh. For a moment, it looks like he wants to ask you something --maybe about your own family-- instead he just shakes his head and excuses himself, planning on taking another nap before the next mission came up. You sigh and sink into the leather couch, as you shake the can to the small _wooshing_ noise of the strangely colored juice. 

It's calm almost too calm and it sends a tingle of anxiety and fear down your spine. You had gotten used to going on missions (rather easy ones or training Alisa) and coming back to either Dr. Sakaki's lessons or reading one of the many books in your ever-growing stack. This was peaceful in a sickening sort of way and you were starting to feel nauseous over the entire situation. It made you want to crack your knuckles and start a fight with someone. Punch them over and over again until their blood was beautifully displayed on the concrete floor.

"Can't do that here," you sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose in horrible but beautiful remembrance of bygone days because even if killing Aragami was thrilling in some sort of way, it wasn't the same as the adrenaline of fighting another person. You close your eyes for a moment and hum some broke song to ignore the muffled yelling within your brain; you aren't sure how much time passes with you sitting there when the speaker suddenly comes to life.

"Unit 1! Calling all members of Unit 1 for a mission, please come to me for further details." 

You open your eyes and groan as you hear Kota get up with a loud thud, probably falling out of his bed in the process. You almost want to laugh, but the opening of the elevator door and Soma's stern face makes you pause for moment. You give him a small nod and get on, still not really able to talk to him outside of whatever book he has given you. The elevator ride is quiet and the two of you step out into the center of the Den to see Lindow's smiling face.

"Well, guys it seems like we have a big mission!" he grins as Sakuya comes to his side, Hibari typing away before giving the rest of the details. Alisa and Kota's voices trail from up above as they join the group. Another standard mission waiting to be completed, for you to come back to the Den safe and sound. Something you were painfully getting used to...if you only knew how wrong you were.

**and i wonder if it will kill me in the end.**


	10. aftermath.

_i keep changing and changing, and moving forward. but, i wonder..._

"Get them back safe, please. Don't let them die!"

Sakuya wouldn't stop crying. Alisa is knocked out cold, and both you and Kota are too damn quiet in his opinion. Soma clenches his hand to release some of the tension running through his body. Why couldn't that stupid idiot follow his own rules? So many years of pushing Soma to do the same and this was how it all ended? He wasn't sure if he hated Lindow or his own inability to do anything more right now, but it was pretty even. He lets out a ragged sigh and grinds his teeth together in frustration.

"Tell the Den we're are going to need medical support as well," he hears a small voice give instructions to the pilot as the man relays it back to Hibari. Soma turns to see the New-Type holding on to the unconscious blond. There isn't any emotion on her face, but he can see that one of her hand is digging into her own palm, almost drawing out blood. He doesn't say anything and outside of Sakuya's hiccups and sobs the entire ride back to the Den is quiet as hell. Half an hour later they are all back, Tsubaki and the medical staff are waiting for them. 

All four of them get off, as the medical staff takes Alisa away from the New-Type's grasp and puts her onto a stretcher. She wants to follow them, but Tsubaki stops her from going any further. Soma can't see the look on the New-Type's face but Tsubaki's eyes are less stern than usual, almost as if she wants to cry but she has to be the strong one at this moment. 

"She needs urgent care right now, and I need all of you to explain what happened," Tsubaki gently explains looking at all four of them, what is left of Unit 1. Sakuya is still crying and she might've collapsed onto the floor if Kota hadn't been holding her, the New-Type nods and all them follow Tsubaki to whatever interrogation room she might lead them into. Soma glances at the New-Type walking right behind the former Lieutenant, her back is tense and her hand is still clenched into a fist but now with small droplets of blood on her nails. 

_Stupid Lindow_ , was all he could think of.

* * *

Good things don't last forever, as anyone living within the Far East Branch can tell you. One moment you could be savoring a small victory with beer and your teammates and the next you could be informing their family (if they had any) that they had gone down gloriously for the sake of mankind against the Aragami. Each dead God Eater didn't make the fight any harder, but it was something added to those God Eaters that were close to them. Yet, one has to wonder whether the first death was the most traumatic? Eric had been your first real death on the job, but Lindow...God, Lindow had taught you everything you knew, hadn't you almost called him "big brother" by accident the other day?

_Don't die. Don't die. Big Rule: Don't Die!_

It was the same rule that he kept spewing at you before every mission, so why couldn't he follow his own god damn advice? What was the purpose of being a leader if you were just gonna down trying to be a stupid hero!? You ran both your hands through the tangled mess that was your hair and pulled at it. You curled into a ball on the brown couch and almost felt like heaving, but nothing would come out. Your eyes were burning and the scream latched into your throat wouldn't come out. You wanted it all to stop -- feeling, breathing, any other bodily function-- but every time you thought of Lindow and what had happened -what you could and couldn't have done-- it all came rushing back in a sick play of emotions. Why did people have to go? Why were you still alive when others kept dying around you?

"Hey, are you in there? You ok?" there was a cautious knock and Kota's concerned voice drew you back to the physical world. 

You weren't sure what grabbed his attention to come your room, but he was actually the only other member of Unit 1 that you heard from in the past two days since the mission. Sakuya had gone with Tsubaki --because he wasn't dead yet, just declared missing in action--, Soma had disappeared, and Alisa was still in the med bay getting treated for whatever had happened to her. There is a moment of silence where you didn't want to open the door, but you pick yourself up and decide to anyways. His brown eyes widen at your appearance for a moment before he gives you a less dazzling version of his usual smile. You scratch the bottom of your tank-top and keep looking at the floor.

"I heard something coming from your room and got worried. Everything o-ok?" He explains, as if he had been caught stealing cookies from the jar and the imagery almost makes you smile. You shake your head and say you're fine, and he takes the cue to drop the issue. There is still too much wondering and speculation, but it just seems like everyone is already preparing for the worst and deep down you know you have to be stronger than this. You lean against the door frame for a bit as Kota scratches the back of his neck, but you can see the nerves and concern etched on his face as well. However, something seems to go off in his head, as he tells you to wait where you are standing as he heads back quickly into his room. 

"I've seen you reading and while that isn't my sort of thing," he comes out of his room explaining, as he hands you a stack of worn-out novellas. He smiles and explains that they belong to his mom and little sister, but you could borrow them if you wanted to.

"Thanks, Kota. And your mother and Nozomi too," you give him your best smile as he returns it. The conversation ends and Kota bids you goodnight before closing his own door. You glance at his door a bit longer, before moving to glance at Alisa's, though you know she isn't there. They're still treating her in the medical room with none allowed access to her but Tsubaki. Your feet are cold and bare against the tiled floor and you look down to stare for a moment, completely ignoring the small crystal colored drops splashing onto it. You suck in a deep breathe before it can turn into a crying hiccup. 

You go back into your room and shut the door. It's dark and cold, as you place the books on top of the small desk and head back to your bed. Hibari's voice is echoing through the sound system, asking for Unit 2 but you don't catch much after that. You throw yourself onto the bed and push your head into the pillows before the sobbing can get any worse.

 _Stupid Lindow_ , is all you can think before falling into a deep sleep.

**would my younger self be proud of who i am today?**


	11. stall.

_please be quiet, hope is noisy._

It's frustrating because it takes another week for Unit 1 to be given some type of capacity outside of Lindow's disappearance. Though that is mainly centered around helping Unit 2 and whatever they were currently defending and never with the remaining members of their once "cohesive" assault team together. The search for the missing Corporal was heavily guarded and even with everyone declaring that they wanted to help, only a limited number of people were actually searching the last place that Lindow has been seen and under the Director's supervision. The blonde God Eater had to wonder what exactly his father was thinking, though he never bothered asking. But, from that thought his mind wandered to the remaining members of Unit 1.

Soma hadn't seen neither the New-Type girl or the _other_ guy outside of small glimpses from whenever they were within the Den’s lounge, usually together. Sakuya hadn't come out of her room aside from the times she had been forced to by Tsubaki and the Russian was still in the med bay -- he had heard her screaming a few times whenever he was on that floor. It was back to being alone, though isn't wasn't something new though he didn't completely welcome it either. Feelings were annoying and he hated to deal with everything that Lindow had left behind, and by extension whatever his father was planning. The whisper that it might have even been him didn't bother him anymore (at least he said that to himself), he was just getting tired of being in the dark with everything that was going on.

"Dammit!" is all that he can say about his growing frustration, as he kicks the vending machine within the lounge that leads to the Director's office. However, that all changes when he hears the opening _whoosh_ that comes from his father's office, then he sees her.

 _Sigh._ She left out a deep breathe and rolls her shoulders forward for a moment. There is a serious look on her face, but he can notice the deep bags forming underneath her eyes. Her hair isn't in a fancy hairdo, but rather straight and reaching the base of her neck. Standard Fenrir uniform on and her movements almost seem mechanical, though her eyes glance briefly to the med bay for a moment -- silent to whatever the other might have been screaming earlier in the day. She keeps moving down the hall until she sees him there and her eyes grow big for a moment, as if seeing a ghost. Her lips whisper his name and her hands cling slightly to the hem of her shirt. Soma is disgusted for a brief moment that he can take notice of all the small changes that occur to her, but that thought is pushed aside when she stops and smiles slightly at him.

"Hey, it's been awhile," is all that she can really say, as he looks down at the floor with a nod of affirmation. He wants to ask a lot of things from _how is she doing_ to _why had his bastard father called for her_ , but they all die down at the tip of his tongue. She seems to want to say something as well, but it dies with the sound of Hibari's voice through the speaker system.

"...will you please join Unit 2 in the Den for a mission, further instructions are pending. Please..."

Her mouth creases downward and now she's limited on time, but that doesn't stop her from grabbing his jacket sleeve and making him look upwards, well at least to where her hand is placed. Her voice is leveled and low, like she is used to talking children out of a tantrum but it is what she says that stops everything that is over thinking in his head for a moment.

"Whatever you hear, it wasn't your fault, ok? It wasn't anybody's..." there is a quiver at the end of her voice, almost as she is trying to reassure herself of that statement as well. However, before he can say anything to counter that statement, she is already striding towards the elevator. He is left with the silence of the hallway, but her words keep echoing in his head long after that.

* * *

It takes a week of questioning and wondering for you to see Alisa after the incident, then it takes another three days after that for them to give you some type of limited clearance to see her. But, there you are sitting across from her sleeping body and the doctor telling you that she won’t wake up anytime soon because of all the heavy medication that they have been giving her and it makes you wonder how much hell she had gone through back in Russia. You hadn’t notice it before, but she is all about anger and survival underneath her haughty personality. Something warm and sickly is flooding into your chest -- it’s not quite pity, but you’re too afraid to give it a name in that moment. You really don’t know what happens in that brief instant, but you decide to take her hand and everything comes rushing forward. 

It’s a mosaic of colors and images that flood your scenes. You see Aragami and two people, the doctor next to you and _Lindow_ , which makes you lurch forward and let go of her hand, but the damage has already been done. Alisa makes some groaning noises and she is suddenly fully awake. The doctor is panicking and rushes out of the med bay, muttering about needing to make a record about what just happened. Alisa looks at you and you give her a brief smile, happy that she is alright but unsure of what just happened. 

“Just a moment ago, you…” she mutters, as you look your hand. The God Eater armlet shining underneath the light and the same warm tingling sensation burning the center of your palm. _Mama, Papa, **I’m sorry**_ , running in circles in your head and in sickening fascination you have to wonder what she saw anything about your own life. 

Alisa lets out a tired sigh and closes her eyes for a brief moment. The room is eerily quiet as she begins to settle back down, her breathing evens out and you almost feel a little sorry seeing this tired out state that she is in compared to the first time you met her. It feels like an eternity in silence before the doctor comes back in and pulls you out of the room, telling you that certain tests need to be done and that she needs her rest after such a traumatic experience. You nod and shuffle out into the lounge and for some unknown reason you find yourself standing in the middle of the hallway longer than you intended to.

_Hey, are you sure about this okay?_

_Yoriko, it’s either you eat or they eat. Make up your mind!_

_**MAMA! PAPA! THEY'RE STEALING!** _

You clench your fist, the warm feeling you once felt has been replaced with something clammy that won’t seem to let go anytime soon. You turn and head towards the elevator, unsure of what you are going to do with the rest of your downtime, but you can’t deny that even with all the pain and struggle, you are in a much better place than you once were. You’re just afraid now of how much Alisa had seen of all you once were.

**what has wishing ever done for me?**


	12. calm before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no soma in this one, more closure before moving forward i guess???

**you're a deep scar engraved in the bottom of my heart...**

You had watched Kota go after Tsubaki, and for awhile this becomes your new normal -- not talking to anyone after missions, constantly visiting Alisa. It is nothing but silence, but you're used to being quite for the sake of it. There were times back in the orphanage where the older kids would yell at everyone to be silent, rather than hearing a bunch of brats complain about being tired, or hungry, or just issues that could have been easy alleviated if you all had parents. Those adults that were supposed to take care of you once. You wondered more about them since seeing Alisa's own parents through her memories. You saw that she looked more like her mother and while it made you think about your own parents every once and awhile, it made you think more of Yoriko than you would have wanted to.

_Hey, what are we going to eat today?_

_You shouldn't be so careless when fighting!_

_Have you ever thought of running away?_

Blonde almost sliver hair, just like Alisa. Maybe, a little less mean, but just as stubborn and proud. No, you weren't trying to replace her, but maybe that's why the sympathy ran a bit deeper than before. You stare at Alisa and grab her hand once more. Faded colors and dead emotions rise up again as you watch her parents get killed once more, then Director's voice rings in your head as the shady doctor places the blame on Lindow. You feel the tears brimming in the corner of your eyes at the sight of Lindow disappearing again and you let go of her hand. The warm feeling is a lot hotter than before as you open and close your hand, as Alisa wakes up and suddenly stands up.

 **Attack. Screams! No! Scared** , is how Alisa goes on in daze recalling the attack, like she had pushed those thoughts down in the murky parts of her heart, bubbling to the surface and leaving her with the survivor's guilt spilling from her lips. She looks at you, scared and regretful, which leads you to grabbing her hand once more and reassuring her that it isn't her fault. It looks like she is going to cry for a moment as she shudders out a breathe. You rub the small of her back and say nothing as she keeps heaving for air, shaking in remembrance of things that she couldn't change. After she calms down, she tries to best explain what she wanted to do -- avenge, and you can't help but sympathize with her once more. 

"...I don't know what's happening," what she says sums up everything that has been going on. She shudders and calms down, as she starts talking about the warmth of your had.

"Memories of happiness," she declares and in your confusion you wonder if that time back in the orphanage had ever been happy at all. Maybe, Yoriko is what Alisa saw, those feelings that you felt towards the younger girl -- a (failed) sibling bond in the making and you're okay with that.

It's quite until she falls asleep and you leave her room feeling slightly lighter in your heart than before. 

_...and i don't think you'll ever leave me._


	13. marching orders.

_there's a limit to the way we can live out the time we have._

It's takes awhile for everything to settle down once again, to get used to Lindow no longer being with them. Soma sees Sakuya getting used to the situation as well, if not a bit slower. There is still some sadness to her, but he has stopped hearing the crying that used to be a constant when Lindow had recently disappared. From what he has heard, the other New-Type is making progress enough for them to let her out the med bay under supervision. He can even hear the cheer coming back to that annoying guy's voice when he talks about whatever he is into. And the New-Type...well, she is back to wearing her hair in elaborate hairstyles and talking with the others when she isn't staying in the med bay. Everything is going back to normal and it bothers Soma at times, because one day it could be one of them and what are the rest of them gonna do -- suffer and cry over it? Move on until everyone they knew is gone?

As, he walks towards his next solo mission, Soma can't help but wonder if he would be remembered in some way -- the Grim Reaper of the Far East Branch. However, before the idea can become anymore sentimental, he scoffs it away and heads over to the helicopter. 

What did it matter that a monster like him kept on living anyways? 

_Don't die, kid_ \-- something familiar echoes in the back of his head that almost makes him groan in annoyance.  


* * *

Alisa starts getting better and it becomes easier to put the pieces together of what had happened to her and what exactly she had been used for. It hurts, but the talk with Sakuya is easy, though you are all fully aware that there might be something more sinister lurking in the background. Sakuya tells you not to worry about it, going into "big sister" mode to protect the both of you, but you are all too aware that Alisa won't let it go so easily. If they are doing anything, they don't tell you, simply going back to their small talks of fashion and other things they share interest in. The search for Lindow had pretty much ended, and that's when Tsubaki calls for all of Unit 1 to meet again for the first time in a couple of weeks. Alisa can't go back to the field just yet, but it makes you smile to see everyone again. You shouldn't be so attached to all of them like this, but here you are smiling like a fool.

Tsubaki stands in front of all of you and starts talking about the administration making new decisions in regards to your unit. She turns to look at you and you can't help but straighten your posture a bit more, though her next words leave your mouth hanging in midair for a moment. 

"Upon the completion of today's operation, you will be appointed Captain of the Far East Branch Unit 1 with full honors."

Everyone is suddenly looking at you, but for some reason Soma staring straight at your back burns the most. It's exciting but scary at the same time, can you really replace someone like Lindow? What made you --a rookie and a New-Type-- worthy of such an appointment? Questions are swirling in your head, but all you can do is nod. Everyone gives you their own words of encouragement, but you're already thinking about what leaderships skills you exactly have . 

Being a follower had always been the default when you were younger, follow what the older kids told you so you could live to see another day. Listen and attack when they gave you orders to, thinking and planning made everything so much more difficult. It wasn't until recently, when you were one of the older kids, that the younger ones actually listened to your input so that they could find shelter or food, though you preferred doing things on your own than dictating it onto others. It would just be you dying or hurt, and that was better in the long run, but that wasn't real "leadership". 

Lindow had been a good leader too, friendly and supportive of others -- is that what you had to do now?

You rub the back of your neck in anxiety. Kota is excited. Alisa is proud and while Sakuya might be quiet, she seems alright with the change. Moving forward is all any of you could do. _Lives, lives, lives_ \-- are the most important things as Tsubaki tells you, but that isn't exactly what you joined the Far East Branch for. This all so confusing. You sigh and Tsubaki tells everyone to head out. 

"Watch out," you hear someone whisper behind you, only to have Soma walk ahead of you and be the first onto the elevator. You blink and wonder if he means in terms of the position or the mission, though aside from that it is a strange that he would say something like that to you. You spare him a glance, but say nothing. 

_What does being a leader mean?_

You wished that Lindow was still here, maybe it would have been easier to ask him. Maybe, you could ask Tatsumi or read up on some books about great leaders. Leading others wasn't really what you wanted to do, but you had to keep moving forward, you thought Lindow deserved at least that much...for now.

**but, can i make something real out of my fake self?**


	14. liar liar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took 14 chapters, but finally hitting the mc's past and the Managarm Project. god, help us.

Alisa is the second one to notice, though it takes her sometime to understand what all that she had actually seen means. At first, she saw it through the Resonance they had experienced back in the med bay. She was slightly aware that their newly appointed Leader (which Alisa was still getting used to saying) had come from an "orphanage", from what she had learned when she had asked to learn how to read and write some time ago. However, what Alisa had seen was nothing like the Fenrir-run facility she had grown up in. Their Captain had struggled for food and shelter everyday and while she knew her fellow New-Type fought day and night to provide herself and others, in those brief flashing moments Alisa could see something she was all too familiar with -- a lack of a will to live.

**"That huge opening when you're parrying will kill you one of these days."**

**"..."**

Her fighting style left her too vulnerable and she often took on the more dangerous aspects of their "missions" all on her own, something Alisa saw being reflected in how she fought with the God Arc when they were training. The older teenager often went for quick and almost flashy moves that could end up seriously hurting her, if not pulled off correctly. They almost always did work in the end, but one day her luck would run out. Lindow had given them specific orders to keep living, why wasn't this new Leader not following them? Not that Alisa could really say anything of the subject matter at hand.

 _Does she actually want to get seriously hurt, or even worst...die?_

There is a lot of things that Alisa finds herself wondering about and it leaves her with several unanswered questions, some needing more answering than others. After she gets out of the med bay, it is easy to find Sakuya and ask her, to promise that she will be there to help in whatever way that she can in order to find out the truth behind Lindow's mysterious disappearance. But for all her pomp and fearless attitude, Alisa finds it harder to ask her Leader --maybe even her friend in the making-- the dread question, and it gets a little harder when she starts seeing less and less of her due to all the new duties the older New-Type had received since becoming Captain of Unit 1. 

There is a little bud of fear growing within Alisa's heart, but she chooses to ignore it for now -- for the better until she finds some solid evidence, something that might prove her wrong. At the sight of her Leader almost getting attacked by a familiar Varga, she might be quaking and in deep into her all too familiar fear, but Alisa doesn't hesitate in the brief second that she shoots her God Arc.

Wide eyes stare at her, as the Russian falls to the ground and begins sobbing. 

* * *

Maybe, having underlings to do shady things was just something all "superior" people did -- in order to not be too close when everything went to hell or just because they didn't want to get their own hands dirty. Director Johannes von Shicksal seems like the latter type, and though you had only met the man once before this, you could tell he thought very highly of himself. The glory and salvation of humankind were in his hands with the way he spoke about the Aegis Project and how you were going to help in the long run, just like Lindow had. Tsubaki had said the same thing when she had congratulated you in private ( _Just like Lindow_ ) and you can't help but feel like you will end up disappointing them all in the end because you can't be like him, but you don't think about it.

Fighting and even doing some shady things were more up your alley, and the Director had decided to mix them both together. Finding the best parts from some high-class Aragami in order to add it to the construction of the Aegis Project. It sounded easy enough, but you hadn't expected it would hit you so close to home. Well, it wasn't exactly like you ever had home, but looking at the expanse of land (in order to find the Fallen Varga) a couple of miles away from the walls of the Outer Ghetto, almost made you sigh in nostalgia. 

A barren wasteland and humid air filling your lungs makes you wonder if the rest of your "orphanage" was okay. They were down 5 kids, but it was never hard finding some young kid who had lost their parents or just didn't have a home anymore -- everyone had some tragic background these days. You crush the rocks underneath your boot and laugh quietly. Logistics had never been your strong point, Mark was the one that made all the plans. You were the brute force behind making it all happen, much like now. Things didn't change, they just got more complicated. You had to wonder if he would laugh at your new position.

_"You leading a group of people, their lives in your hands! Ya skull is of better used for hitting than thinking."_

_"I am sure she will do a good job."_

You can almost hear Mark's reprimanding voice and Toma's neutral tone fighting in the back of your head. Toma has always been the mediator between the two of you. Mother hen of the group that treated all your wounds to the best of his abilities, even when all you wanted to do was stop breathing. And that was the central reason as to why you couldn't be like Lindow. How could you care about the lives of others when you barely cared about your own? But, if you thought long and hard about it, you had done it most of your life -- caring for kids and making sure you all ate and lived another day, though you were always jealous of those whose ends came before yours. It was so pathetic, but you didn't care.

 **You didn't care at all** , but you had promise to keep. Longer than you had been a God Eater, and just a little bit longer than when you entered that makeshift orphanage you hated but thought so dearly of. Your life wasn't yours, and you were perfectly fine with that.

"Varga spotted 5km east and heading in your direction fast! Prepare for engagement!"

Hibari's voice brings you out of your momentary stupor, as you turn to your left and begin walk towards the general direction of where the Aragami seems to be. You straighten your God Arc and laugh just a little, getting ready to dispel all these heavy thoughts and getting to the nitty-gritty of it all was so liberating! No, you can't die here because of those stupid restrictions and your flight-and-fight mechanism tends to kick in from time to time. 

"3km! Moving fa-st." the radio begins to static out, as a grin replaces the stony expression on your face.

"2km! Be ready!" The ground begins to rumble and you start picking up speed into a quick run. Your knee cracks a little, but everything else is forgotten as the adrenaline and oracle cells begin to pump into your body.

"I got it, Hibari!"

You answer back, as a roar echoes and you can't hear anything she answers back. Life is good, life is bad. Life is long, life is short -- everything and anything you feel is always contradictory and it tires you out overthinking everything. Missing Lindow, hating Lindow for placing everything on your shoulders even if it wasn't his fault, it was pretty much the same for everyone else. 

All you could really do was move forward and wait for the end, just like anybody else.


	15. respite.

It takes Kota awhile to notice that his new Captain tends to sleep in the strangest places. Sometimes, she is catching some zzz's on the couch in the Den, others she is between the railing underneath the God Arcs storage area where Licca can't exactly see her. Alisa had even seen her sleeping in the research library behind some books. It made the younger boy wonder how hard it was to be leader, Lindow had made it look so suave and cool, but she always looked tired and was running away with some stack of papers, mumbling about Tsubaki. He asks her if she wants to watch some episodes of _Bugarally_ in order to relax, but she ends up falling asleep halfway through their Season 5 marathon, and Kota is stuck in a very awkward position until he calls for Alisa to help him. 

Then, he notices it. Sometimes, there is a blanket or jacket on her while she is sleeping. He gets used to seeing her drinking a can of coffee every once and awhile, and even Licca stays quiet when she is sleeping. Tatsumi seems to like talking whenever she finished a mission, and her paperwork seems a bit more under control when she is doing it next to Hibari. 

Lindow's disappearance is still a sore spot within the Den, but everyone is slowly growing to the new Leader, and Kota can't help but smile at that. 

"KOTA!" a sudden yells brings him out of his stupor, as he sees her with a slight smile on her face as she laughs, Alisa and Soma are either shaking their head or not paying attention at all.

"Y-Yeah, what's up?" is all that he can really respond with, as she reminds that he has a certain meeting with Tsubaki pending once they head back inside, and he almost wants to groan. However, the sudden sight makes him (and Alisa) pause for a moment, as meetings and everything else is forgotten.

She smiles, and everything seems all right for now.

* * *

_"All you end up with is wounded pride and faded excuses..."_

_"And?"_

_"And even then, you--"_

"Hey!" a quick kick to the side of the couch has you waking up before you can hear the all too familiar answer. You turn to see Soma with that same permanent scowl on his face, "You should go to your room instead of sleeping in the lounge."

You scratch the sleepiness out of your eyes, and yawn before mumbling.

"Can't..."

Your eyes flicker upwards to stare at him and he looks back, clear blue eyes demanding an answer as to why. You turn to look at the paperwork that is stacked neatly on the other side of the couch. It wasn't the first time that you has been ask why you weren't sleeping in "your" room. Licca, Alisa, Sakuya, even Tsubaki had asked why, but you didn't have the resolve to answer them. Even if his possessions weren't there anymore, even if it had your name stamped outside of it. It still felt like it belonged to Lindow and stepping into a place that didn't belong to you, for you to make it your own scared the crap out of you. 

No, it was easier to say you still weren't used to sleeping in a decent room, being an street orphan and all (even after being a God Eater for awhile and never really having problems with your old room). Dark and crapped spaces were much easier to grow accustom to than a potentially dead man's room. However, you had a feeling Soma wouldn't except that.

As if expecting no response, the older teenager turns and starts to walk to his own room, when you blurt everything out. 

"I can't sleep in there. It's Lindow's room..." is all you manage to mumble out as he turns his head to look at you. God, after everything you had been through, were you really that pathetic? 

"You should go get that checked out with Old Man Sakaki," is all you hear Soma say before he heads into his own room. You rub the back of your head as to why you would need to ask the old researcher, but surely Soma knew better since he has been here so much longer. So, you sigh and pick-up your papers before heading to the elevator. 

Soma ends up being half-right, as the good doctor ends up prescribing you some sleeping pills, and while it makes sleeping a bit easier, but the fear of being in Lindow's room remains. Then, Sakuya steps in, you have to wonder how she was so good at noticing what your problem was, or maybe you just made it that obvious. The helps is slow, but the two of you slowly manage to add small decorations to the room here and there.

The pile of books gets bigger and you find yourself the brand new owner of some plants to take care of, while also keeping the refrigerator stocked for all the people that come to visit to you when they can. Kota is even planning to have a small get-together in other to celebrate your new promotion, even if you are a bit hesitant about the whole thing. 

There's a strange feeling budding in your heart that you haven't become fully aware of yet, but each day their smiles become more precious, even if your own life doesn't.

_("What is it, Soma?" Brown looks up to meet blue eyes, as said younger man pulls down his hoodie a bit more._

_"The New-Type, she...hasn't been doing well."_

_"Oh, I'll check in on her then. Thanks for telling me," Sakuya can only smile as he nods and walks away without another word being said.)_

And maybe, it was starting to feel like **home**?


	16. curiosity killed the cat.

Even with a new leader, there is discord within the team. People hit each other's sore wounds, even if they don't know or mean to in the long run, you had seen it during the mission between Soma and Kota. Maybe, you could just think that their personalities didn't match (and they didn't) and move forward with everything else, but the way that Soma had talked left little doubt that it was about something deeper for him, about how the Den as a whole felt about him. It wasn't something that you really understood, but saw it as a two-sided sword because people didn't like being around or even trusted Soma very well and he pushed back in his own way. You had experienced it first hand and it eventually became the norm, though you talked to him more than most people did, over books and missions was mostly it though. 

_Who would want a comrade that can't take a little joke, a comrade you can't even trust to have your back?_

"So annoying," you murmur to yourself as you look at the missions and profiles in front of you before taking another sip of the now lukewarm Iced Curry juice. It had bothered you over the past few days, like an itch you couldn't starch. How did Lindow keep everything running so smoothly?

 _No, he didn't. You just didn't see things from his perspective_ , a little voice in the back of your head told you, and you wanted to bite back a groan because in a way it was true. When you had started all you had to care about was learning the basics, finding ways to make it easier and maybe having fun with Kota when you weren't swimming in your much darker thoughts. Then, everything with Alisa came crashing down, but never once had you thought of how Sakuya thought and even less of Soma. 

"Why is dealing with people so difficult?" you exasperate yourself starting at everything in front of you, barely noticing the knock at your door.

"YES!" you yell and tell them to come in. Sakuya grins at you and your mess of paperwork, mentioning that dinner has been served and that you should eat and take a break. She waits for you outside and as the two of you head to the communal eating area, a familiar door (since it had gotten closed on your face a dozen times before) catches your attention. You aren't sure if the older woman notices, but as you turn to look at her on the elevator, you can't help but voice out your question.

"Sakuya, just how much do you know about Soma?"

* * *

If it had been any other day, you would have ignored the grandeur that spilled from Director Johannes' tongue when he talked about the "great endeavors" and the salvation of humanity that he declared the Aegis Project was going to be. Yes, you had a hand in helping, but it came with the duties as Captain and you didn't believe in the project liked you had heard him and Kota talk about it. You knew who it was really for, people like the Director and his other lackeys that thought they were the "best humanity had to offer", it wasn't like people like you or those in the Outer Ghetto that could barely survive through another day. You would still be one of them if you hadn't landed in Fenrir and that's why all this important bullshit really didn't phase you. 

You would have forgotten all of this by dinnertime, but then Dr. Sakaki had to barge into your routine and ask you a really strange question that wouldn't leave your mind, even as Kota talked about the re-watching Season 10 of _Bugarally_. 

_Are you a curious person by nature?_

The automatic answer was no, you weren't. You had always been more of a follower, the type that did what they were told in order to keep some type of stability, or in your case a chance to end it all. Shutting up and doing what you were told was always the easiest path, even if you didn't do it all the time now because leaders had to think for themselves and make the best solid judgement. You thought you were done with that when you left the "orphanage", oh but look at you now! 

So, just when you are about to go to sleep, in a darkened room and anxiety running through your veins, you let yourself become that curious person Dr. Sakaki wishes you really were.

_Humans. Aragami. P73-Bias Factor. Lives. Lives Lives._

It takes you a few run backs of the disc to understand what is going on between the 3 brilliant minds talking on tape. Aisha Gauche is brilliant, scientific woman but maybe a bit too much of savior complex underneath her brave front, since she allows herself and her unborn child to be the willing test subjects, but it is for the greater good so that must cancel out the one stupid decision she makes, doesn't it? You find yourself agreeing with Dr. Sakaki as he leaves the screen, but there isn't a hint of remorse on the woman's face as the video moves forward -- an excited mother and even prouder scientist. 

**Stay safe** , is the last words she tells her husband and you can't help but feel a little dread forming in your gut. Then, it moves on to the Director asking Sakaki to come to the Far East Branch. now under his supervision. His son -- _Soma!!_ \-- is all right, even if he had lost his mother. The Director says that he doesn't hate Paylor, but you find it kind of hard to believe with how many times he says it. The Managram Project was a failure and at the sight of the last image, you push stop with all your might. 

A cold feeling rushes through your body, as you stare blankly at the black screen for a good long while. You aren't that smart, but you understand enough to figure out that Soma (isn't Shicksal the Director's last name too?) has a lot to do with the creation of the God Eaters, though you can't phantom the further implications that it has had on him as a person growing up, though his statement from the last mission echoes in your head.

__

_...What do you need with a monster like me?_

You trudged yourself to bed (but the emotions and thoughts running through your head are too much) without any sleeping pills and whatever sleep you do get is fitfully and filled with monsters, hooded figures, and dead scientists. 


	17. it takes effort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heading into shio's arc soon! if you are enjoying the story, let me know!

__

_"Responsibility handed to you shouldn't--"_

_"A-Are you trying to get yourself killed?"_

Two things are banging within your head, as you get used to the bigger role of being leader within the Far East branch, as you come to realize there is a bigger game at play that than Sakuya seems to have imagined. It starts with meeting Dr. Sakaki after watching that video. It would have taken you longer to return it but, having it in your room and knowing all that you did made sleep impossible. Something seems to be bothering Soma as well, he didn't say anything but the way he acted on the last mission bothered you. You wondered if you could help, but doubted it until Old Man Sakaki, all bright smiles with his secret agenda asks you one thing.

"... **Befriend** Soma," he asks like its the easiest thing in the world and it has you do a double take. Isn't that what you had been trying to do before everything went down? Hadn't you spent hours looking for him and hiding behind Sakuya's door to get a glance at him? Outside everything going on between the Director and the good doctor, your words were coming back to haunt you. 

__

_I didn't have the best first meeting with him, but that doesn't mean I'll give up!_

Remembering your own words from not too long ago, light's up a fire in you that you don't quite understand but it isn't like before either because this isn't about you catching Soma off-guard once before. It is about subtle welcomes and smiles whenever you see him. It's about asking his opinion on a mission --because he's a "veteran"-- even if he doesn't want to give it to you half the time. It's about learning to trust another person, even if you don't believe in yourself.

* * *

It's another one of those "secret" missions that Old Man Sakaki gives him and the Unit 1 leader. Soma isn't sure what exactly is going on, but knowing that it might be going against his father's wishes made it a bit easier to handle the mission, though he doesn't trust the doctor any more than his old man. Another Chi You to take down and bring the core directly back to the Den, it would have been an easy enough mission for him alone, but there was a young woman standing behind him shouting orders every so often. 

"Soma, to the right!" 

It was uncommon for the reckless youth to take a back seat on a mission, but here she was playing look out to his vanguard position. The long-range shooting came easy to her due to the flexibility that came with being a New-Type -- medical bullets and her own original concoctions getting shot out of her God Arc and whenever she saw an opening she would pause with her own long sword in order to cut at the legs of the Aragami. She was everything he read once and much more than that because even with the abnormal normalcy of her current battle strategy, he could still see a glint of mania in her eyes. If there was something that she constantly enjoyed, it was the thrill of the fight.

"Stand back!"

He hears her command, even though the Aragami lets out a pained and angry roar as he moves back only to see her charging forward. One blast from the ground before jumping mid-air and diving head first as her God Arc turns into something completely new -- a scythe. A few more slashes between the two of them and the Aragami is no more. Soma stays quiet as he takes the core, she pushes her longer than usual hair back and grins. Her canines are pointy and dig slightly into her bottom lip, as the dry air of the City Ruins fills her lungs. Soma finishes up and she proudly declares. 

"Nice job, Soma!" She nods to the older teenager and turns to walk to the where they are going to wait for the helicopter. Her sudden declaration surprises him but it doesn't, outside of talking to him, Soma knew she could act this way with several other members of the Den, namely Kota. She gave praise here and there, but unlike Lindow she didn't constantly remind others of the rule -- _keep on living_ \-- though it was unspoken law between all the members of the Unit 1 now. 

Silence dominates their walk back, as Soma pulls his hoodie back up. The Leader was probably going over what they had done and what could be improved on. It seemed like she had gained the habit of reflecting and asking questions later, as he had seen her interactions with Tatsumi and experienced himself as of recently. She wasn't Lindow, she was something completely different and it was taking him sometime to adjust. 

The quiet atmosphere continues as they arrive at the meeting point and the Leader confirms their coordinates with Hibari, so that the extraction can begin. Soma sits on a rock not too far away, though he gets a bit nervous when he feels a certain pair of eyes on him. He isn't sure what has drawn her attention to him, but he has a feeling it can't be anything good. Ten steps later, she is leaning to the rock to his left. Soma knows that she wants to say something, but can't think of anything that she would particularly seek him out about outside of books and mission debriefs. 

"Hey Soma..." she starts.

"What?" he bites, unsure of what's in store.

" _Knock knock_ ," she states like she's ordering giant corn from the communal kitchen. Full on poker face, as Soma stares straight ahead, not really understanding what is going on though it feels like those corny jokes that Lindow would try to pull off -- was she going for that?

"Who's there?" he answers back.

" _Orange_ you glad I didn't say **banana** ," she states but there isn't any laughter. 

It is obvious that she missed a big part of how the joke is conducted and that in its sheer audacity almost makes Soma want to laugh and before he realizes it something akin to a light chuckle leaves his mouth. However, before it can get any farther, he shuts it down. Yet, the damage has been done as he sees an awestruck Leader looking at him and that it makes him pull his hoodie over his face even more. Blue eyes stare at the ground, as she lets out her own small giggle. 

"It's good to know you can laugh at a joke. I was starting to get worried," she doesn't say anything else as the helicopter begins to set down. It takes Soma a moment to put two and two together, but he can only curse at her back as he moves to towards the aircraft as well.

_Who would want a comrade that can't take a little joke, a comrade you can't even trust to have your back?_

This girl was more dangerous than he gave her credit for.


	18. old habits die hard.

It takes Tsubaki's scold that makes you stop looking over all the papers you have placed all over the small dinner table, a plate of food to your right and a can of Iced Curry juice to your left. The older woman asks you when your last day off had been and it takes you awhile to remember the exact day. You hadn't taken a day off since Lindow's disappearance and hadn't left the Den since you had been chosen to be a God Eater. You pauses and frown (almost wanting to say something on the subject), but Tsubaki always has the final word when it comes to these sorts of things. Two days later you have your first day off unless they really need you, but there was nowhere for you to go.

You try to read, but your head is swirling to something else. Without fighting anything your muscles twitch and you're restless by midday without any real work to do since the rest of Unit 1 was out under Sakuya's supervision. Thus, you wonder the areas you have access within Den until you see the old veteran, Gen Momota, sitting next to a door without his jacket and sweating. It piques your curiosity and you walk over to him, as some older God Eaters bid their goodbyes. 

"Gen, what are you doing?" Brown eyes look your way as he nods his head before talking. The older man didn't talk to you much, but he was always there when you wanted strategy advice. 

"Some of the other God Eaters have sparring matches, I was helping some of them out with basic combat skills in the gym," he explains in that teacher way he has to his personality, but you had been won over as soon as he said matches. Your knuckles squeeze shut in until they are almost white in anticipating and Gen catches a glimmer in your eyes that throws him off guard. You're too excited and it bothers him a little.

"Could I join?" you ask without hesitation, jumping lightly on the balls of your feet like a child on Christmas. It had only been a couple of months since your last fight, but you missed it too much at times. It would certainty help let out your frustration and people with the Bias factor within their bodies would be much tougher to get beaten down -- new opponents, and nothing else could be better than that.

"Mmm, I would have to ask the others first, but nothing's stopping you from using the rest of the gym's facilities," Gen notes as you open the door to your right. State of the art machines all around the room, as some God Eaters were sparring or taking their temperature while others were simply running on treadmills. However, your eyes were on something else. 

"Punching bags!" you grin and run to the nearest one, as Gen watches you from afar. It's a little odd for you to be so excited, but it is nice to see that you are completely focused on your work, that you were trying to be a more rounded person -- as a God Eater should be. 

Then, he hears a snap. 

"Well...that didn't last long," there is frustration and sudden boredom in your voice as you stare at the punching bag, no longer hanging from the ceiling and a hole as the stuffing slowly falls from it. Everyone stopped and looked at you, not that it really matters to you. The former God Eater walks over to you and sighs, clearly another firecracker with too much energy in their bones. 

"Looks like we're going to need to get you some proper gear," is all he can really say, as your clearly happy laughter rings out for a moment.

* * *

_"Soma, what do you think of this?"_

He tries not to think very hard about the Leader and the implications that her laughter might have on him, because as quickly as Old Man Sakaki was sending them together on missions it quickly vanishes. It's back to 4-man missions where she is laughing with Kota or talking to Alisa, but everyone seems to see it except him. How she tries to talk to him after the missions, how she gives him a small smile and thanks him for his input, how they seem more sync in battle than anyone else. 

However, Soma likes fighting against the current and seems to shut down any attempts by hiding or simply walking away. It is a bit easier when the doctor is asking him to take on personal solo missions. She tried her hardest to get him involved in the debriefs and meetings that she has planned, but he either shows up late or doesn't at all, much to Tsubaki's annoyance. It is a game of tug-and-pull between them for the next few days. She almost wants to give up and he wants her to do the same, but then something throws everything into disorder for both of them. It's after a mission that they learn what Paylor Sakaki had been searching for was a girl with white and bright eyes that he declared to be an Aragami.

"WHAT!?"

Everyone seems so confused by the string of events, as the older man tries to explain it to them. After the explanations are given, everyone seems a little more at easy, but Soma still seems the more agitated by her appearance. He stands at the edge of the room as Alisa and Kota are fighting over names and Sakuya is talking to the doctor. He watches as their fearless Leader crouches and moves in front of the girl. She outstretches her hand and Soma keeps watching the scene in front of him without a word. The small girl looks at her face for a moment before smiling, as she grabs the Leader's hand and shakes it up and down. The teenager does the same and laughs, as Soma lets go of the breathe he has unknowingly been holding in. She introduces herself and begins to talk to the girl as if she wasn't a monster that they were hiding. 

The more he thinks about it, the less he understands her especially when the two of them start laughing together, as if humans and Aragami could peacefully coexist.


	19. worrying about another.

Kota being serious wasn't something you saw often. Yes, there were moments when certain episodes of Bugarally got to him. However, in this moment, he goes on talking about a faded age he seemed to romanticize and about the current stage of the Aegis Project. He turns to look at his friend and give her a brittle smile, there are some many things riding on his shoulders and so many things that he wants to protect -- his mother, Nozomi, the rest of the Outer Ghetto. 

"I've been thinking about the past a lot..."

He wonders where they would have been if they were just normal students like in those old shows. Would they still be friends? Would they have adventures after school until his mother yelled at him to come home? He wasn't really sure and by that confused quirk of an eyebrow she gave him, Kota could tell she wasn't sure either. However, she just shrugs and keeps listening to him --to all his worries and dreams-- and by the end of it all, he has to wonder as they are running to see Tsubaki on time.

_What are her hopes and dreams? Whose waiting for her at the end of the day?_

* * *

_She may pretend well...she's still a monster on the inside._

You can't help but think of Soma as you pat the young girl's head, while Alisa and Kota fight like parents over what they are going to name her and what is a proper way to teach her how to speak. She smiles and giggles, as you find yourself smiling as well. You should be afraid of her, that warning had been underneath Soma's most recent outburst, but you just couldn't be. Maybe, you had a weakness towards children from all your care taking back in the Outer Ghetto. You wanted to help this smiling and easygoing white-haired Aragami girl.

_Or was it guilt?_

You look up from your location to stare at the two younger members of your unit, it seemed like Shio --as she suddenly declared herself-- brought out something protective out of all of you. You were painfully aware that her looks sort of reminded of someone you hadn't thought of for a long time -- light colored hair and dark eyes, like when you has first met Alisa. However, it was more than that this time around because somewhere along the way it was about Soma too. 

_Monster._ **Monster.** Monster.

You're aware of what Soma might be thinking about when he reacts to violently to Shio, maybe it's like looking into a mirror for him or how differently she was being treated compared to him -- you weren't exactly sure, but his appearance since then has been sparse and it worried you somewhat. Soma was a bit of a hothead depending on the situation, so maybe he just needed some time to cool off. 

You shake your head and go back to talking to Shio, as you go from learning her name to the various lessons you and the others has planned for her when the unit had from free time -- teaching her various new words from the Dr. Sakaki's personal library or simply ones that you found in the library. It was a team effort to teach Shio everything you could and as a way to reinforce your own learning, you were given the task of reading and writing.

"S-H-I-O. Shio!" you explain and show her the piece of paper with her name written it on it. Amber eyes stare at it for awhile before laughing and trying it out on her own, her squiggles looking vastly different from your semi-curved lettering. 

"Good job!" you smile and pat her head as she giggles. Shorty after, the three of you depart the doctor's research area and head to your respective rooms. Making your way to the level that you share with Soma and Sakuya, you can't help but turn to look at the door that leads to Soma's room. Out of everyone, he's still the only whose room you hadn't seen, the one person that still locked themselves away. You frown and shake your head because that wasn't completely true -- _there was still you_.

"I hope he's okay," you let out in a brief sigh before calling it a night.


	20. secrets untold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20th chapter, and happy new year!

_Watch, that girl is gonna be good for Soma. It'll just take time._

Sakuya had wondered what Lindow had meant all those months ago when their team was smaller and he was still the Leader. However, in quick succession, she saw it unfold before her: the worried glances, the avoidance and fear that came with people caring about one another, and the accidental commerdiere formed by the two teenagers, even if they didn't understand it just yet. As the "big sister" of Unit 1, she couldn't help but shake her head at the stubborn fools and the game of tug-and-pull they seemed to play, but it also reminded her of her early God Eater days, when she worried of whatever happened to Lindow when he went onto the field -- when he was going where she couldn't follow.

Now, she isn't sure if what these two potentially have could turn into that, but there is surely something great building between them. It just seemed that everyone (Tsubaki, Alisa, Licca, Hibari, hell even Tatsumi) could see it but them.

Maybe, that's why she decides to play her own part in this little game. A smile on her face, as she walks up to the Leader's table during breakfast time and asks the same question she has picked up as of recently. Sakuya expects the same response and for once she is glad both these kids are so goddamn stubborn.

"Have you checked up on Soma recently?"

"Mmmm, no but soon."

Somewhere, she hopes Lindow is laughing at this whole situation.

* * *

It's another 3 days before you see Soma come out of his room between missions and all the other little things you do around the Den. It might not have been under your orders that he decides to poke his head out (you'll be sure to thank Tsubaki for that later on), but the moment you see him sitting not too far from Hibari, you raise your voice. If it startles him, you don't care -- something else is bothering you today.

"Soma, Dr. Sakaki's office in 2 minutes!" 

Everyone in the Den hears you, as blue eyes snap upwards and if he's making any sort of face at you, it's not something you can notice as you enter the elevator. Dr. Sakaki and Shio are waiting for you close to the couch area, as you stand in front of them. You smile at the young girl briefly as the door opens once again to show that a disgruntled Soma actually followed what you had to say. No words are exchanged, but you puff up your chest a little bit in pride. Then, the old man has to start going on with his date metaphor.

"You can't just force jobs on me!" he snaps, as you nod. Dr. Sakaki smiles and praises your leadership and it almost makes you want to laugh.

"I suppose you won't be able to resist now, will you, Soma?" is all the good doctor says, but the comment sounds a little weird in your head. However, Sakaki was eccentric like that, so you stop thinking about it as soon as Soma curses and leaves the room.

If only the mission had been as easy as the interactions from earlier in the day. First, you don't know how Sakaki had made it possible for Shio to go with you on the mission, but you would rather not ask. Aside from the three of you, you had chosen to take Kota, well because...he just made things easier with his personality, even if he and Soma couldn't stand each other at times. However, you could just feel the damn tension while you were all fighting, since whatever sync you had with Soma was gone -- the man has decided to do things on his own and you recklessly pushed forward with Kota as back up. 

_It could've been worse_ , is all you think to yourself. A hundred million things could have gone badly, but Shio is ready to eat her "meal" and you're about ready to head back and then **that** happens. 

"Soma, you wanna eat too?" is Shio says in her childlike innocence. You can see his face conform into something griefstriken and angry at the same time, but you know at the end of the day Soma hates himself and there isn't anything that can be done about it. Kota's confusion doesn't help much either.

"Hehe, whoa there Shio. We don't eat Aragami. We're human, you see?" 

Kota doesn't understand the depth of his wording, as Soma clenches his free hand. _Human?_ What makes a person **human**? There are hundreds of people that trade in their humanity to become something more, it was something you had seen a hundred times before on the streets -- it was a tale as old as time. What made Shio and by extension Soma, so different from you and Kota? 

The P73-Bias Factor is a quick and easy response, but you know for Soma and whatever he went through, it's more complicated than that. Just thinking about all that makes your head hurt.

"Shut up! I'm not a monster! I'm nothing like you!" Soma's words snap you out of your thoughts, as you watch him walk away for the upttenth time. You let out a sigh and watch Shio go after him. Kota looks at you and wants to say something, but all you do is shake your head. You turn to look at Shio struggling to find her words, Soma's back is tense and you can tell he's heaving large quantities of air in anger.

_So, now I'm happy. Because I found you, Soma. I'm happy because I found all of you._

Her words sting you briefly for some unknown reason that you ignore for now, as you watch Soma walk away from the bridge. Shio keeps staring at where he was standing for a long time, probably trying to assess the situation in her own way. Kota asks if you know anything, and like a waterfall everything slips forward. Everything you know about Soma's past and his hatred towards everything he didn't have a say in being. It's liberating to finally talk to someone about all this that you feel yourself releasing a watery hiccup towards the end of the tale.

Kota, like you, isn't the smartest person around, so it takes him awhile to digest everything. He looks at your slightly red face for a moment before talking.

"How long has he been carrying that around? How long has he held it in?"

Honestly, those were questions that you have asking yourself all this time. However, you didn't think you were ever going get the answers to them, especially not now. The helicopter ride back without Soma is quite and you don't have the strength to ask Hibari to pinpoint his location. 

_Time, all people need is time_ \-- is something you remind yourself as you place a can of Iced Curry juice next to his door when you are ready to call it a night. It's stupid and childish, but it is the only peace offering you can think of and hopefully a small reminder that there are other people worried about him as well. 

And in the morning, when you go to meet up with Tsubaki, you'll see that the can is gone and you can't help but hope that everything will be alright in the end, only to be hit with an ice-cold realization soon afterwards.

God, when did you start getting attached to all these people?


	21. simplicity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aww yessss the feelings start.

_Simple_. Things were easier when everything was laid out in front of you, but it always ended up getting complicated with emotions destroying everything that once was. It had happened early on when you were young, but you didn't think about it too often for the sake of your own sanity. It had happened again near the end of your stay in the "orphanage", you cared about one little girl and those feelings soon lead to betrayal. You had promised to stay as long as you were needed, you did as you were told. You had been blinded twice by the lies that came with having comrades and it seems like you never learned your lesson. 

Was the third time the charm? Because you were slowly starting to realize that you cared for Alisa, Kota, Sakuya, Shio, and even Soma (on a good day)! That wasn't even including the still missing Lindow or caring for the rest of the God Eaters and staff within the Far East Branch.

You _cared_. 

Mark would have laughed at this point, Toma would have smiled. You weren't sure what Yoriko would do, but you were a little bit sure that she would have been proud. But, in the middle of the night and gripping the pillow with all your might, you cried because you knew that you would let them down in the end.

Because you didn't care about yourself at all. In all honesty, you wanted it all to end.

* * *

The day after this revelation, you're a little quieter than usual and if anybody notices they don't say a word. Everyone, even Soma, is huddled up in Dr. Sakaki's office as he announces that he wants Unit 1 to dress Shio, though that doesn't go over well with the two boys in the group, and neither does it with Shio after Alisa and Sakuya try to dress her (because let's be honest, you aren't sure what you were wearing half the time, compared to them, and the other half you're wearing the standard Fenrir uniform). It was supposed to be simple, but Shio didn't like any of the clothing and thus decided to run away.

So, here you are, in the ice cold landscape with the rest of Unit 1 looking for an Aragami that doesn't like to play dress up. Kota's voice echoes behind you with Alisa walking a few meters ahead of you. Soma and Sakuya are nowhere to be seen. 

"Take the right, Alisa," you breathe out as she nods. You can't help but wonder how she can wear her outfit in such weather, though you're pretty sure Russia is completely different than the constant heat of the Outer Ghetto. 

It takes another 10 minutes of scoping out the area to find Soma and Shio walking out of the degraded temple. All four of you look at each other with wide eyes, as Shio smiles and Soma stays silent, which is a complete 180 from his original attitude towards her. A million questions are left unspoken as he turns his head up to keep you from looking at him and you finally decide to call for an extraction.

Shio doesn't leave Soma's side until you're all back in the good doctor's office. Alisa looks at Kota and you in confusion, you stare right back and shrug. Whatever is going on is left in the back burner, as Alisa and Sakuya properly dress Shio. It takes awhile, but Shio --like Alisa squeals out-- is probably the cutest thing you ever seen.

A smile tugs at the edge of your lips that quickly turns into shock as Shio begins to sing, because like the young girl it is probably the best thing you have ever seen or heard, especially as a no-good orphan. She stops and smiles at all of you, proudly saying it's a song. 

"Good job?" she looks at you with bright amber eyes and you nod back. Your fingers twitch and you almost want to hug her, but the discussion turns towards something different, but sweet. 

"Soma and I heard it together!" Shio exclaims and everyone in the room turns their head to look at the veteran God Eater like he has grown a second head. Alisa and Sakuya are both shock but smiling, but Kota has the biggest grin of all as the teasing begins. 

"Well then my, my, Soma..." Sakuya begins, though Shio looks at her -- not exactly sure as to what is going on. 

"Oh, you heard it together, is that it?" Alisa chimes in with a pleased smile and a hand on her hips. 

"I didn't know you guys had gotten _so close_ ," you put in your own to cents and laugh lightly, as Soma can't seem to find the ability to talk anymore, but it's Kota that goes in for the kill.

"When did you two find time to get so **buddy-buddy** , eh buddy?" Kota smugly questions the older teenager, who just can't seem to find the ability to respond anymore. 

"It's better just to be a loner," Soma mumbles to himself as he turns away from all of you, but everyone in the room seems to hear it and laughs, as he pulls on his hoodie a bit more than usual. A bright pink blush on his cheeks that you barely get to see from where you're standing.

_Thump-Thump...Thump._

You blink in confusion and wonder why your heart just skipped a beat.


	22. back at it.

Sakuya frowns at the scene laid before her, as she watcher their fearless Leader sidestep from Soma's side to Kota's. Though, it wasn't like the older teenager noticed the difference as he talks to Shio. After the mission to find her, the medic has seen the dynamics of Unit 1 change once more, while the Leader tries her hardest to placate everyone on her own, she was slowly moving away from Soma once more. Her daily questions faltered and she stopped asking him about missions and meetings almost all together, though it didn't seem to bother him as he spent more time with the young Aragami girl. Most of the time, he was either reading or talking to her, and on rare occasions she saw him watching over the Leader and Shio having their daily lessons. 

It was an impasse, but calmer than the previous ones she has seen. However, there is one problem that bothered Sakuya the most --- that the Leader is having that problem with everyone. She isn't talking to the rest of crew anymore, she went from friendly banter with Licca to asking the standard questions and leaving the God Arc storage room quickly afterwards. She is smiling a little less and locking her self up in her room more, if it wasn't so serious she would have joked that the Leader and Soma has switched places. 

The Leader was playing hot and cold again, and Sakuya couldn't help but frown. She had seen the younger woman do this some times before...it was almost like she was afraid. Sakuya sighs and shakes her head.

 _Two peas in a pod_ , as the old saying went.

* * *

The happy bubble bursts as quickly as it was created since the Director had finally returned and was ready to set his plans in motion. It meant you standing in the middle of his office once more, though with longer hair and a slightly different version of the Fenrir uniform and while you're trying to pay attention, all you could really think about was Shio's next lesson. However, when he starts talking about Lindow, you perk up and can't help but frown at how he talks about the old Unit 1 leader, no matter how much praise he gives you. Though, you are aware that it's not in your best option to talk back -- it had never been. 

You are under his direct supervision and completely alone during this mission in exchange for money, all this leaves a deep seated uneasiness at how much it reminds you of your old life. You did everything (within the boundaries of thievery and fighting) you could for the gangs within the Outer Ghetto and they left your little group of no-good rascals alone, sometimes even with some pocket change. Ignoring everything and focusing on survival made everything easier, but now staring at the blond older man with the ability and freedom to form your own opinions made you a bit more weary of him. Sakuya and Alisa whisper a lot of things when they are alone, independent and hearty gals but you weren't that strong. "Leader" might have been your title, but that doesn't mean your childhood tendencies had left you. 

So, you nod and leave the room. However, you blink twice in surprise at the sight of Soma leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. An even darker look on his face than usual, though you wouldn't really know since the both of you had been playing the avoidance game for quite some time. You stare at him and he huffs out an angry sigh.

"So, he finally summoned you too," he starts off and you know he's talking about Lindow, though you wonder if he is aware that this isn't the first time the Director has called you. Soma snaps you out of your thoughts with a warning of your name.

"...Don't trust him. He can pull strings that you can't even imagine," he warns you and you nod numbly, though wondering why he is telling you all this. It's just like when you first became leader and he warned you -- Soma always seemed to be pushing you towards something ( _out of stupid mistakes, out of throwing your life away from some irrelevant cause_ ) but you aren't sure why.

Soma moves and starts heading to the elevator since he had already said all he needed to. Irritation begins to bloom within your chest at the thought of the Director and by extension Soma, though its more about him walking away like he always did. How is he always running away but at the same time looking for a comrade to trust? Did that standoffish, know-better-than-you attitude run in the family? 

You huff an angry breathe out and let out a sentence by accident, and if it wasn't for Soma's enhanced hearing, he wouldn't have heard it at all. 

"Does he believe all that **bullshit** that he talks about?"

Soma feels a bit of his anger leave him at the sound of your annoyed voice, though all he can so is shake his head and try to ignore that pointed but excited smile forming on your face as the elevator doors close.


	23. as normal as it gets.

Kota is probably the closest thing you have to a best friend, even if he doesn't know everything about you, but Sakuya has a certain way of easing you back into things after your darker moods. She makes sure you take breakfast with the whole team most mornings (she drags Soma out of his room too and into the awkward silence of the elevator, but slowly and surely the two of you start interacting again) or that you talk to everyone, making sure they all fill out their reports. She drags you to spend time with her and Alisa, even if you don't understand half of the stuff they are talking, whether it is about fashion or Lindow. Alisa gives her a soft smile and questions her one night when the three of you are gathered in her room with night clothing and snacks -- a girl's night, as you close as you can get when being a God Eater.

"When did you realize you were in love with Lindow?"

The older woman blushes and you stare at her wide-eyed. The concept of love isn't foreign to you, but it is complex and it has hurt you so many times before. It's a flower (from those pictures you like to look at with Shio) with thrones that you are too afraid to get close to, mostly because it leads to attachment and that isn't what you want to leave behind in this short life you have messily planned out. Sakuya lets out a nervous laugh.

"I think I loved him since we were kids, it just evolved along the way."

A temporary sadness blankets the room as Alisa sighs dreamily and you stare ahead and take of sip of your juice. You close your eyes briefly and ignore the lingering thought of brown-black eyes fading into bright and angry blue ones.

* * *

Maybe it's easy because she was in a similar situation not that long ago, learning to read and better understand the language due to her lack of proper schooling, and while she still struggles on how to talk and read a little, Soma can tell that the Leader is proud of herself in teaching Shio so well. And even when she has problems Soma (or Alisa at times) were never that far behind. This whole arrangement was strange, if he thought about it, because in all the time he had been trying to avoid her (them, if you count Shio), now he was never too far away from the two girls within Dr. Sakaki's office. He still didn't have the best understanding of them, or of his own feelings, but he chooses to ignore that part. From afar as he watched them seated together, Soma had also seen the proverbial Pandora's box open for the Leader's past and maybe even her heart. He had learned more about her in these past couple of days than in her entire time with Fenrir so far.

She grew up in an orphanage on the outskirts of the Outer Ghetto. She didn't remember her father, and even less of her mother. She was motherly when she wanted to be. There was a little uptick of an accent when she got excited or emotional over something, though she tried her hardest to pronounce everything correctly for Shio's sake. However, it was clear to Soma that there were darker things that she wasn't talking about either -- things she hid and that brought up the same bothersome feeling within Soma again as when he read her training report a million years ago.

 _What was it--_

"Cat?" Shio's soft voice piques in interest during the middle of the older girl's story. She nods and smiles before turning the page on the book they were glancing through, one on the animals from an older and faded age.

"This is a cat, except Tubbs was a dirty white and fat," the Leader laughs as Shio looks at the book for a long while. 

"Are they delicious?" that one question freezes the air around Soma, as he watches how the Leader's eyes widen for a moment, before she shakes her head.

"I wouldn't know, there aren't enough for eating, _ya know_?" she laughs and goes back to her story, but Soma's thoughts are too far away from the tale.

_How could she handle being next to an Aragami so easily? How could she laugh and teach something that she fought against on any other given day?_

He huffs out a breathe and turns to leave the room, though he is fully aware there there are two pairs of eyes watching him, one more than the other. However, it is not out of the anger he used to feel before, it's more related to some type of frustration and agitation digging deep into his bones, though he isn't sure what the root cause of this problem was. He leaves the doctor's room and heads towards the small lounge and takes a seat. 

It's doesn't bother him like it used to, but there is still tension from having his story out in the open to the rest of Unit 1 like it was now. Kota, Alisa, and Sakuya all knew, but their Leader had known the longest and never once had she asked him about. From his point of view, she had never judged him, it almost seemed like the opposite actually, and Soma --overthinking her own thought process-- didn't know how to handle that. 

_She had accepted Shio so willingly, was it the same for him?_

Soma pulls harder on his hoodie, now suddenly aware that there is a can of Love Juice beside him. The Unit 1 leader with all her secrets, confusing optimism, and never ending acceptance is sitting across from him. She stays quiet as she pulls the tab on her own drink and takes a small sip. His rattled nerves easy up a little, as he opens the can, takes a sniff, and makes a face in reaction to the sickly sweet smell. 

She laughs and he rolls his eyes, ignoring pit-pattering hearts, and everything seems all right for now.


	24. family.

Soma isn't with the rest of Unit 1 when Tsubaki sends them to look for Lindow's armlet, no the Director had sent him somewhere else for the time being, but he could feel the tension as both Sakuya and the Leader left earlier that day. By the time he return from his own mission, all of them had already returned as well, with Sakuya obviously finding comfort talking to Alisa in her room --as she has taken up recently--, Kota watching _Bugurally_ , and the Leader pushing all her nervous energy into teaching Shio. Standing in front of them, he wants to asks a lot of things because deep down he cared about that stupid idiot as much as anyone, even if he never admitted it. She laughs at something Shio does before looking at him and Soma pauses at the weary look on her face.

"It wasn't the right Aragami, we didn't find any-thing," her voice cracks near the end before going back to playing with Shio. Soma simply nods and goes back to his seat on the other side of the Aragami girl who smile and laughs at his presence.

He smiles back and for a while they all ignore the gaping ocean of unanswered questions that comes with the disappearance of their former leader. 

"Hey Shio, have you ever heard of _the Princess and the Pea_?"

* * *

It's one of those rare days where there isn't much to do for Unit 1, everyone was doing their own sort of thing and it meant that you had time to hang out with Kota within the Den. That somehow ended up with the two of you talking to Tatsumi and Brendan, and while it was a little hard to enter the conversation at times, you personally looked up to Tatsumi as your superior in terms of leadership. In all your talks, he was always there to point out something that could save someone's life or could better benefit the teamwork that Unit 1 seemed to lack early on. He was a little love-struck with Hibari, but it was endearing that he could still love so fiercely within all the work he put in as a God Eater. You hadn't talk to Brendan much, but it was certainly easier than talking to Karel and Gina.

Then, the sirens starts sounding. The Outer Ghetto is being attacked and Kota starts getting nervous, though the two of them try their best to reassure him before leaving. Nervous brown eyes look at you as Hibari explains what had happened to the defense wall and what could be done about it. Kota smiles with eyes brighter than normal, telling you that he has an idea.

"Sweet! Sounds like a plan, right?" he grins and you can't help but agree. 

The fight isn't that hard, especially when Kota and you are so good at syncing up by now. Unlike, most people, Kota had seen the pattern to your madness and was always there with a bullet when you gave yourself time to breathe. He smiles and you nod before heading back with the new core, but when waiting for the helicopter Kota seems to gain the courage to finally ask something that has been bothering him for awhile.

"I know you don't talk about it much, but you grew up in the Outer Ghetto too, no?" he gives you a shy smile, hoping he isn't pushing any borders. Your face is blank for a moment and he almost wants to take back his question.

"Me and a bunch of kids grew up in the outskirts, moved around a lot 'till I got kicked out," you state with a little uneasiness as Kota simply nods. He doesn't ask about your parents and it is something you are endlessly thankful for. He looks to the side at the aircraft and the endless desert that welcomes you back to the Fenrir base. 

"Do ya ever worry about them?" he questions in a small voice, because he might be thinking of it in a family sort of way and for a long time you considered them that as well though towards the end you knew that not everyone thought that way, namely Mark. Survival at its finest. 

"No," you say without skipping a beat, knuckles trying white at the bitter thought," I didn't leave on good terms."

You close your mouth and Kota knows he isn't getting anything out of you, though he does keep throwing a worried look at you and how long it takes you to stop crushing your hands together. By the time to of you return to the base, Tatsumi and the rest of his team are back -- they welcome you, though the air is little stiff with the thought of the lives lost and your own personal anger. 

"...Region E-26 was under fire, so mostly homes were hit. It was a tough going," Brendan states, but all you see is Kota's eyes growing wide as he runs out of Den.

"That's where his family from, isn't?" is all that is murmured between the three of you, as your heart for a brief goes out to Kota and his family. For a brief moment, you think of two guys that never left you alone even with all the shit you gave each other, even if you all just used each to stay alive for a little while longer.

**Do you ever worry about them?**

And for a brief moment, you truly do.


	25. the aftermath again.

_"We need Aegis. We need it now more than ever. It's the only way."_

You want to blame whatever sentimental, lingering thought you felt that day on Kota and his constant worry for the Outer Ghetto. Unlike you, he still had family there, he still cared about his neighbors and the people that struggled with him every single day and those that weren't there anymore. How ironic that the person you might have been "best friends" with cared so much about the the thing you wanted to throw away. However, anything after that is all your fault: using contacts to look for any familiar faces, reaching out to those vagabonds that lived in the outskirts, and holding out hope that they were still in the place you had left, but it had been months --though you still didn't forget the fighting, the screaming, and how they all voted you out in the end-- since you had left and you knew well enough that it wasn't the the best idea to stay in one place for too long -- maybe, being a God Eater has weakened certain other survival instincts of yours.

So when you decide to take a day off and go with Kota to the Outer Ghetto, it both kills and surprises to see a familiar mop of brown hair in the E-26 marketplace. Wide green eyes look at you and you have to fight the urge not to punch him in the face. A growl of his name leaves your lips, as he gives you a sad smile.

"Toma."

"It's been awhile, princess."

* * *

It had been a slower day than usual, so Soma had spent most of his day with Shio though he has to wonder where the Leader had gone for much of the day since she usually spent any free moment she didn't have with their little group. Now that it was getting closer to dinner, he still hadn't seen her though Sakuya had explained to him that she had gotten a day off and went to the Outer Ghetto. It felt a little out-of-character for her since she never talked about her time growing up there though. He raises a brow at the sight of a quite Leader entering the communal eating area with Kota not that far behind. Her knuckles are a little bandaged, as the younger man tries to get her attention.

"Are you sure you're ok?" he whispers to her, as they start picking up different prepackaged foods from the buffet-styled area. She doesn't say anything, but her tray shakes a bit and Soma moves a little in his seat. 

"I'm f-fine," she hisses in anger and maybe desperation before getting her tray and walking out of the room. Kota looks back at her and sighs as Alisa makes her way towards him. He knows she is set on blaming him, and maybe there is a little truth to that.

"What happened?" Alisa asks in concern because this is honestly the most emotional she has seen their Leader be in all the time that she has known her, even with what happened to Lindow.

"She met with some people she knew, it didn't turn out well," Kota says because even he doesn't know what actually happened after you had left the marketplace with the person you called Toma. However, that's all Soma needs to hear before he gets up and heads to your shared floor. The elevator ride feels longer than usual but he is quick in finding you, sitting in the small lounge with the tray of food beside you --partially uneaten--, a crushed can of plum juice, and a nervous tick causing you to bounce your right leg up and down. 

He takes a seat and looking at your face for a brief moment, he wonders if you have been crying. 

"Don't make me talk, Soma," you plead softly after taking notice of his sudden appearance. He takes a seat in front of you. You're meet with his hoodie being pushed down a little more than usual, as he murmurs. 

"Not here to talk."

"Then what?"

" _Just watching your back_ ," is the only way he can explain himself (and this strange feeling compelling him) your eyes blink once, twice before you let out a watery sort of laugh. You brush the corners of your eyes and he swears that his heart stutters for a moment, but it just comes out as an awkward cough. 

"Thanks," and if he could, he would notice sweet smile you were wearing just for him, but that doesn't happen as the rest of Unit 1 comes rushing through the elevator doors with worried looks on their faces, and while Soma knows you still hide a lot of secrets about yourself -- you felt a lot closer in that moment than in all the months he had known you.


	26. silence is violent.

_"Ya turned against them, P...then everything went down hill afta ya left. I'm not sure everyone would wanna see ya."_

_"Are you still moving forward with Mark's plan?"_

_"No, Mark left some time after Yori died."_

It takes you a long time to get used to the idea that none of the kids wanted to see you, Toma had even stopped you from beating the wall in front of you. However, you could tell he was a little scared at the crack you caused, that God Eater strength was a little too much for him. He had given you a weary smile and had left you there with a soft goodbye leaving his lips -- and that was it, nothing more to say of that part of your life. Toma has to keep surviving for the sake of the kids under his watch. Mark was still trying to take over the world in his own way. Yoriko was dead, the brown-haired teenager had confirmed it.

You were in a slightly better position than most of them (depending on who was talking), but what the hell were you living for?

_You can't die. Not here and never by your own hand. Give your life to others, promise me that. Promise me, dammit!_

You wake up sobbing and punching your pillow that night. 

* * *

Nobody asks her what exactly happened when she went to the Outer Ghetto and for awhile everyone falls back into their normal route once more, though Soma can tell she hesitates a little in hanging out with Kota and he talks a little less about his personal problems when she is around. As such, she spends a little more time with Shio and himself, from the end of a mission until its dinner time on most days unless she is called by Tsubsaki or his bastard father. She never says anything about those missions when she comes back, though she is covered in more blood than usual and it takes her longer to adjust after she gets back. 

For someone who doesn't like to talk, it's her own silence that bothers him the most of about her personality. 

It's like that when they finally find the Aragami with Lindow's God Arc armlet. 

He watches Sakuya fall to the floor as Alisa keeps crying and trying to repent over what she had done, over what she still blamed herself for. However, you just stand there, a little stiffly but you just keep looking forward the entire time and before he can ask anything, all three of women in Unit 1 are plying into Sakuya's room to do whatever it is you're going to do -- maybe even mourn together? You give him a soft smile and he pauses for a moment before heading to Dr. Sasaki's lab.

And maybe, it is better to stay quite in the long run of things because that's how all 3 of you realize that there were some things surrounding Lindow, maybe some things surrounding you since you were Unit 1. 

"Now, I know what has to be done," Sakuya declares with strength you have never heard coming from her, because this for Lindow -- for what her love must have lost his life for. You take turns from looking at Sakuya and Alisa as they argue over the medic's quick planning, and then she tells you to forget everything.

You almost want to yell out "no" because you can't forget Lindow, even with all his pigheadedness about staying alive. So, the second best choice is to stay silent and wonder (and deep down worry) about when Sakuya is going to make her next move because damn is she stronger than you, though Alisa is right in fighting her back on this issues...again. 

Sakuya tries her best to express her point of view and then she points out the Lindow card of staying safe instead of pushing some wild goose chase. Alisa sighs and the older woman stares at you sadly for a brief moment before sighing.

"I...I'd like to be alone for awhile, if it's okay, would you leave me?" Sakuya says in a mournful tone, as you nod and turn to head back with Alisa following your example. 

_Be safe, Sakuya. Don't do anything stupid._ There are a million of things you want to say and ask, but you aren't brave and choose to stay quiet -- hoping that this isn't a mistake you'll regret later on. 

You've been having a lot of those lately.


	27. rushing forward.

It takes awhile for everything to go back to normal with Kota, but you're finding out that most things take time and understanding when it comes to human connections, to relationships that you don't mean to have but are forming anyways. It frustrates and annoys you to no end. It gives you a restless feeling that leads you to going into the base's gym more often than not to punch some bags or run the treadmill. Gen doesn't let you fight other people, maybe because he knows something about your personal background or he sees that crazed glint into your eyes that no normal person should have.

That's how Kota finds you a day not too long after you went into the Outer Ghetto. You were punching a bag in one of the darker corners of the gym. Sweating hard with white bandages around your knuckles and a dark look on your face he had never seen before.

It scared the crap out of him to be honest, thus it took him a little while to build up the courage to call out your name.

"Kota, what are you doing here?" you asks a little breathlessly after turning around to look at him and if you were honest it took you a little while to remember that you were in the Den and not some muggy back-alley pounding on some dirty blond like you used to.

"I'm sorry," he hesitates because even then he isn't sure what the problem was, but he was all too aware now that the Outer Ghetto was a sore subject for you; that while everything was hard back home, some people were in much different situations than his own -- you were one of them, "I didn't know how you felt about everything I was throwing at you. I didn't take your feelings into consideration."

Kota was a sweet kid when he needed to be, which caused you some turmoil on whether you wanted to run or hug him for everything he had given you so far -- somehow, you settle on a middle ground.

"It's all right. Ya didn't know and I didn't say anything," you explain unwrapping the bandages from your hands. For a brief moment, there is a heavy silence between all the things that he wants to ask you and all you aren't willing to share -not yet, maybe not ever-- and for the sake of this friendship (your first real friendship) you chuckle as brown eyes hesitate to meet your own.

"Give me some of that rationed pudding and we'll call it even," you grin and Kota gawks at you for a moment because that was one of the only eatable things from dinner that you guys got. He shakes his head and the both of you laugh before he leaves. You promise to meet up again before dinner is called since you still have some time to hang out with Shio.

Human relationships were complicated but they were also very fulfilling, you were slowly learning that.

* * *

Aegis Island.

It is a combination of all you (Lindow and Soma to the same extent) have been gathering for the Director for some time, but also the last hope for mankind -- as everyone around you kept saying. Be safe, it was something you have been trying to be all your short life, but it didn't exactly work out that way at times. You take a deep breathe of the ocean air, something you had never really seen, and wonder for a brief moment what exactly it was all worth. However, any thoughts running through your head stop when Sakuya tells at Shio, you turn your head and look at the Aragami girl.

"It's calling to me. Hungry. _Must feed, must devour_ ," Shio states in a daze as she begins to glow a bright blue, while staring back at the three of you. You pause in free as you watch the young girl dive head first into the ocean, you want to run after her but all you do is curse and tell the two women that you are heading back -- it was better to tell Dr. Sakaki before anymore time passes. 

_Damn, what is Soma going to think?_

It is the only thing you can really think of as Sakuya explains what happened with Shio, though he doesn't seemed that worried or maybe, that's just how he always looked. You take a deep sigh as he tells you not to worry and that he will have Unit 1 on standby. The three of you leave the research lab and you see the older teenager hanging near the elevator. Bright blue eyes glance in your direction and you can do is glance at the floor. 

You rub the palm of your hand over your face and enter the elevator without saying a word. Maybe, because without the young girl there isn't anything for you to say to him or maybe, because you don't want to disappoint him in some way that others have grown accustom in seeing from you. The elevator doors close and you try your hardest to ignore hollow feeling in your stomach and the wild thumping of your heart. Then you hear it through the intercom, Hibari's voice and your obvious punishment for getting to close to certain people.

"...the Director wishes to see you in his office."


	28. quick levity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ran really long, so the the second part of Shio's mission should be the next chapter. we are closing on the end of the game's first arc, so tell me what you think so far!

You wonder if this is what it feels like to be walking the plank towards some impending doom, because you aren't afraid of what the Director could do to you (even if Soma had warned you previously and would call you an idiot for your current train of thought). No, you were worried about what he could do to the rest of Unit 1 if he ever found out the truth, of what he could do to Shio if he ever got his hands on her because you could see it plain and simple that him and Dr. Sakaki were playing a much larger game with her in the center of it.

You had never really believed in gods, but you hoped that she was okay -- that everything would be all right in the end.

The Director is all seriousness with no convoluted talk of grandeur and survival welcoming you this time around, as he gets straight to the point about some "unique Aragami", but you already know who it is. Your face is completely blank, but your heart is thumping loudly in your ears in some sort of frantic panic. Shio, it keeps going in a strange mantra that you hope will keep her safe, but you're being sent to hunt her down and for the first time you don't want do a job completely alone. The Director --that bloody Johannes-- thinks for a moment before speaking.

"...It will be difficult...so I'll be tasking Soma to go with you for the search," he nods at his own brilliant idea. You can't help be heave a sigh of relief, even if you couldn't stare at the older teenager directly in the face just a little while ago. It was better than doing something like this alone and regretfully.

He dismisses you with a pray and a smile; you try your hardest not to punch the wall with all your might and anger.

* * *

Soma isn't surprised when he is called for a quick mission sometime after he had talked with Sakaki. He had talked with Sakuya and Alisa as well, though briefly, on what exactly had happened, but the one person he had wanted to ask most of his questions too was called in by his father first. So, it’s no surprise him that his only companion on this mission is her. She gives him a nod before entering the helicopter, but it was complete and utter silence during the trip to where Shio was last seen. For once, he couldn't seem to get the words out of his mouth and she didn't even look at him once.

It would have normally bothered him if there weren't more pressing matters. The sun is nearly setting when they arrive and she keeps looking at horizon, probably replaying what had happened with Shio. She glances at Aegis Island and grips her God Eater a little tighter. He knows that neither of them wants to be in this situation, but they are his father's puppets and that angers him even more.

"He wants us to **hunt** Shio," he finally lets the truth out that has been hanging around them like a toy. She glances down at the floor and Soma swears he can almost hear her whimper (and for a brief moment the thought of their fearless Leader being scared is a little daunting) at the statement because he knows how much the little Aragami girl means to her -- means to both of them.

"All my life I've let him send me on these mission: search and destroy, hunt and kill," he starts recollecting as she looks up to start at him directly and if only he could turn his head and see how much emotion there was in her eyes for him. It wasn't of pity, but of trying to better understand someone, of connecting with him through similar experiences. 

"But, there is _no way_ in hell I am handing over Shio to that bastard. He will not lay a finger on her," blue eyes are burning as he turns to gaze at her. She nods and he almost wants to laugh at how protective they can be, but emotion drives him to keep talking.

****

****

"I don't want you to mistake this anger," he declares with hesitation and she blinks as he points his God Arc at her. A familiar scene from a lifetime ago. Her eyes are burning and all she can see is _him_ , "I hate the way he manipulates us, like were his damn toys." 

He smiles, and she swears her heart stops for a moment, not like he would ever know though. No, he is thinking back to a cheeky answer that shook him to his very core and how fast they both had changed. Maybe, even because of each other? 

"I remember this angle before. The first time we meet I drew my blade at you," Soma chuckles. She shakes her head in annoyance. 

"And ya were an _asshole_ about it," she adds her own two cents as her accent trickles through her speech in mirth with a light laugh following soon afterwards. Though the severity of the situation isn't forgotten, Soma thinks that expression looks good on her. 

"You were nothing but cannon fodder before, now look at you. You're..." there are a ton of words that he could use to describe her now, some she wouldn't even know the meaning to but that feels too close to home at the current moment. So, the teenager laughs once more and goes back to worrying about Shio. 

"She's still around her, I know that much. Stay close and sharp," he states like a leader that he's never felt like before and her serious face turns back to look him as she nods. She turns to look at the horizon once last time before they jump. 

"Keep your Arc up," he jumps and feels her steps hesitate for a moment before jumping as well. Their lives in each other’s hand but it feels a bit more different than before. 

_Don't die here, kid_ \-- he swears he hears her murmuring and he can only hope that they are as lucky as Lindow used to be. 


	29. meanings.

It doesn't take long to find Shio after battling some few Aragami. She is practically where they left her, though with dead carcasses surrounding her, singing a painful song that freezes your heart for a moment. Soma looks at her and there is a sad look on his face, as Shio declares that she hates the song she keeps singing. You're a little confused about the whole thing and stay quite as they talk at each other, as they largely forget that you're there.

"It's a song of parting. That's the reason it makes you afraid," Soma explains as you turn to look at him. Shio --unlike you and Soma-- was a people person ( _Aragami?_ , you would have to think about that later), she loved being around everyone within Unit 1. You were sure she could steal everyone's hearts in the Den if they could meet her, and after being alone for so long, you could only rationalize that she didn't want to leave the only people she knew, for whatever reason that you didn't understand. 

"I don't wanna go. I don't!" she exclaims and in a way confirms all your theories. 

_The words are sad. They're singing about loss, about never seeing the one you love again..._

You blink in confusion a few times, as the meaning of Soma's phrasing isn't lost on you. _Loved one?_ Not Unit 1 as a whole, but him and Shio together. It suddenly feels like you are in a place you shouldn't be, stepping on an emotional moment only shared by them. You glance down at the ground and grip your God Arc a little tighter. 

"But...we did see each other again. You're right here," Shio reciprocates and you turn to look at Soma who is staring at the little girl with everything he has. A knot tightens in your throat and for brief moment you can't breathe. For a flash of a moment, you hate a lot of things (mother, father, _him_ , Toma, Mark, Yoriko, Kota) but most of all you hate Johannes for doing this to them. 

"Because we're different than the song. We came looking," Some smiles at his own statement before glancing at Shio once more, but you're too far gone in your own head -- memories of your own "loved ones" flashing before your eyes. 

"Let's go home, Shio," is what brings you back to send the girl a fragile smile as she happily agrees. But, good things are fickle when it comes to being a God Eater because a second later she is screaming and glowing again. 

For the first time since you have known him, Soma panics and yells out her name but you're already a step ahead, preparing to follow any course of action he is ready to take. More desperation enters his voice as Shio whimpers and falls down. Bright blue eyes look at you and declaring that you need to take her back to the Den. You looked at her collapsed on top of the pile of debris. You nod but before he can say anything else, you have placed your God Arc on the floor and are running to jump and land on whatever gives you good footing.

"What the hell are you doing!?" you hear Soma yell at you, but you're too preoccupied trying to find a stable grip ( _one foot forward, one foot back he would tell you_ ) between to the dead Aragami and unstable concrete so that you don't fall. It's not like you hadn't done this before; you were actually quite good at it once, but that felt like a lifetime ago now. 

Soma is watching helplessly at the whole ordeal with knuckles turning white underneath his gloves, as he sees you reach Shio and wrap her around your body like a monkey. He can hear Shio whimper in pain and it kills him, but he can also hear you like the mother you never knew whispering words of comfort to her ( _I'm sorry. Just hold on tight and we'll be home soon. Please._ ) Going back down is harder then going up, as you juggle your own footing and Shio, though Soma is there to give you a few words when you can't see where to go. You hop down and the older boy is immediately by your side, seething. 

"You're an **idiot** ," he sneers at you, but you can take the subtle hint that he is more concerned than anything else. You just nod and stabilize Shio a bit more before moving to get your God Arc. However, he grabs it before you do, as the two of you start heading back to the extraction site.

Emotions are heavy in the air, but neither of you really know how to go forward with those types of things. So, you stay quite in your own thoughts as Soma keeps staring at you and the smaller girl on your back. He's angry, concerned, and feels a little useless all at the same time, but for a brief moment his curiosity takes over as he speaks.

"Where did you learn that?" he murmurs as to not to disturb the sleeping Shio, but loud enough for you to hear. You don't spare him a glance, making him think you aren't going to answer for a moment. Instead, you look at the orange hazy sky giving itself away to the inky darkness. You sigh.

"I'm a street kid. Gotta pick up certain things to survive," you state vaguely and he knows that's the only answer he might ever get from you. Shio whimpers and you try to calm her down with soothing words, Soma smiles slightly at the sight and tries to ignore all the hidden meanings that come with today -- at least for now.


	30. decisions.

Soma doesn't like thinking about the (potentially) important things in his life, but looking at the sleepy Shio raised a lot of questions. There are a lot of emotions he had been feeling since meeting the Aragami girl (and even a little bit beforehand) that he didn't know the meaning behind. There were a lot of people that he cared about and that welcomed him with open arms that never had before. Shio was one of them, the others were...

"I'm gonna check up on the others," the Leader tells him as she gets up and heads towards the door. After they had brought her back to Old Man Sakaki's room, they hadn't left her side as the eccentric checked up on her. His answers were vague, but both of them were just relieved to have her back. After he had left, they had stayed together in silence for some time (overthinking whatever they were), just starting at the occasionally glowing girl. 

"Don't forget to grab dinner," she murmurs and he can feel her breathing lose a beat for a moment. He quirks his head slightly and wonders why now of all moments she would be afraid. He is going to say something, but the light tap on his shoulder freezes him. 

It's light as a feather but he feels a fire burning onto his cheeks, though he wouldn't have noticed it if he wasn't who he was. She doesn't say anything else and Soma is left with the light hum of the door signalling her exit. 

He goes back to looking over Shio, for once happy that he isn't alone.

* * *

_We need to talk._

It's a message that struck you to your core when you realized that Alicia and Sakuya have been gone since last night and none has heard from them. You worry of what stupid thing they had gotten themselves into, even though they promised they wouldn't. You're angry that they didn't count you in, but relived because you are much closer to the Director than they are, though you would have taken (and still would) the burnt of everything for them, but you know Sakuya is just like Lindow and slowly you are becoming just like them. So, you call Kota and Soma into Sakuya's room (one's used to it and the other isn't) and patched through a secure line to the missing members of your team. You stand next to the counsel as Sakuya tells you of their late night escapade into Aegis Island.

"So that's the truth..about the Aegis project, the Ark...all of it," Sakuya finishes her tale and your turn to look at the two teenagers occupying Sakuya's couch and the other the windowsill. You had your guesses of what your "secret missions" really were, but never something as disastrous as what the Director was doing. From one point, you could understand what he was trying achieve, but from another --that stupid orphan in you that was always fighting and surviving-- he was nothing but a coward, trying to save and become a God for all those willing to serve him. 

_At least the Aragami held no bias._ Sakuya explains the list in front of Kota, how you're all in it (except of them on the principles of being fugitives to Fenrir now). You grip the counsel a bit in anger because you know that if you hadn't chosen to be a God Eater, you wouldn't have been on that list right now; that there were hundreds of other people so much more worth it than you --someone who wanted to die with all your blasted heart-- but couldn't because of circumstance. Always bloody circumstance.

"A lie! It can't be a lie. We put so much...so much faith in this! Aegis was meant to protect us. It has to!" Kota exclaims in frustration towards the truth and you can't help but frown because you know how much this all means to him in order to protect his mother and Nozomi. But, you also know Soma has a different point-of-view.

"I was never going to do what that bastard commanded of me. It's not like I'd on the list anyway," he pauses for a moment but you already know the reason why, "I'm half-Aragami. They wouldn't want me in their new world." 

He ends his statement bitterly and there is an air of resentment and desperation between the three of you, and you aren't sure exactly how to handle all this because all your own experience might be bits and pieces of theirs -- you were essentially the middle man, but you already knew how you felt about the Aegis project. 

"Your name is in there, Soma," Sakuya stays as she tries to appease his mood, "He's the Director, but he's still your father. I don't think he can stop loving you."

Soma huffs out a bit and keeps glaring at the floor, as you try to ignore the question burning in the back of your mind on **whether parents could ever stop loving their children.**

"I refuse to let this Ark start its voyage. I refuse!" Sakuya declares to all three of you, as Alisa finally chimes in with her own angry excitement. They're heading straight into danger without a care in the world and it makes you smile just a a bit -- such hardheaded women, and you'll miss them while they go into hiding and all you can do is hope for the best -- whatever that is at this point. 

"...Even if you fight against us, you're still our friends," Sakuya declares, though you think it is aimed towards one person in particular. You lower your eyes and sigh because you're sure all three of you already have made up your minds.

_Think hard and have no regrets._

She tells a room full of teenagers before signing off, like you can really do anything about each other's minds, especially when Soma and Kota are on such different wavelengths. You turn your head to look at Soma leave without a word -- a declaration in its own right to what he plans on doing because if his father is after Shio, there is no way he is going to join, not like he was going to in the first place. 

Kota is still sitting there, head down and his hands gripping tightly onto his thighs and maybe if you had a family, you would care about the Outter Ghetto too.

"I'm sorry...I already know I'll let you know," he starts talking after awhile and you aren't sure if he means it on a professional or persona level, "I'm gonna board the Ark."

He looks at you with sad brown eyes and you nod, tugging at your gloves for a moment. You don't blame him, but you can't help the slight disappointment you feel in that moment. 

"...I have to keep my family safe," he explains with a hard but protective emotion in his voice, as his eyes turn steely at the need to save whatever normalcy that he still has. You wish you could do something about it -- that you weren't about to lose your **_best friend_**.

_To protect mom. To protect Nozomi. That's why I became a God Eater._

_(Why do you wanna become a God Eater?_

_To die.)_

"That's why I have to board the Ark, Leader. I'm sorry," is all he can really say as he gives you a stern look before it gives away to a shy smile. He stands up, ready to leave but you throw yourself at him without a word, hugging him as tight as you can. He stumbles and there is a light blush growing on his face that you can't see.

"I know, Kota. I know all that, but just like Sakuya said," you turn your head to look at him with a small smile, "We're still friends. You're my best friend, kiddo!"

"You're mine too," he lets out a watery laugh and hugs you back. The room is silent for a moment, as you try your hardest not to cry. 

"Take care of yourself, ok?"

"Ditto."


	31. think twice.

Johannes calls you in the next day, all the while making a drama of Unit 1's situation. He promises that he would be willing to fight you, which just makes you roll your eyes. You would never say it out loud, but you knew where Soma's dramatic flair came from. Then, he tries to make you understand why the Aegis Project is so important, why humanity needs something like this to bring in their salvation -- many sacrificed for the sake of the few. You wouldn't deny that you thought like that for a long time and even if you hated the Outer Ghetto with all your heart -- they didn't deserve what Johannes had planned for them. You grip your wrist, as he talks talking about ships.

"Now, then the choice awaits. Do you push the other person aside, condemning them and grasping at the potential to save your own life," he turns to look at you, bright blue eyes full of knowledge and egotism, "Or take the path of virtue? Sacrifice yourself so that they might live."

You wonder how well the Director actually knew you outside of your profile and the minor missions that you worked on, because you knew you would pick the latter a million times over. No, it wasn't because you were kind or virtuous -- you were suicidal above all else and if death came in the form of helping someone else (of keeping that sick promise you stupidly made as a child) you would take it gladly. 

" _You should survive_. Intelligent, strong, determined, you deserve to," he gives you the answer and for some reason it shakes you to your core for a brief moment. You want to scream that you don't deserve to. Your fists shake and he smiles, like he knows that he has struck a chord. 

However, he doesn't push the subject any further, but rather states that he has almost completed his life's dream. You are welcome to join him, as long as you do what he says and for a quick moment you remember Soma's talk from a few days back. 

**Not to live like a puppet.** Everyone had made their decision and for some strange reason, you wanted to do the same as well. All your loved ones, he tells you but all the people you love have scattered to the winds because of the Aegis Project -- all the people you loved were in Unit 1. He had already stated your decision for you. 

__

_"What will you do? Condemn yourself to a sinking ship? Forsake your loved ones, forsake humanity, and die in the waves? Or will you join me?"_

You turn to leave and he mentions Kota and that he had already grabbed his boarding passes. You turn your head and smile, so proud of him but also missing your best friend. So strong and protective of his family, is something you can agree on with the Director but nothing else. He tells you that you still have some time and that stirs something like a rebellion in your heart.

"Thank you, Director. But, I have already made my choice."

* * *

Soma taps his foot on the ground restlessly, as he looks at Shio playing around. It had been two days since they had heard from Sakuya and Alisa. He knew Kota had made his decision that same day, as he had for completely different reasons. There was still one wild card within their unit and he hadn't heard from her since the bastard of a father had called her into his office. Soma wanted to believe that he knew a bit of what was going on in her head, at least when it came to Shio. Their leader cared too much about the Aragami girl, maybe on the same level as him, to turn her back against her from some half-assed salvation. Their leader was too stubborn to give into a comfortable life when all she done was survive up to this point.

He wanted to believe all of that, but he wasn't so sure when he knew that old man had a way with words. He leans against the wall, too lost in thought to notice the door open and the object of his current train of thought hugging Shio. 

"Soma," the sound of his name makes his eyes snap open to see her smiling and settling down to sit next to the subdued Aragami girl, "are you all right?"

"Where the _hell_ have you been?" he doesn't answer her question, as she shakes her head with a light laugh. He knows that she isn't mocking him in any sort of way, but her current attitude is agitating him more than usual. 

"I gave the Director my decision," she pauses and stares at him with an unwavering gaze,"I am guessing this solo mission was his retaliation for it."

Soma frowns as she turns back to stare back at her hands. His head seems to be going a mile a minute because while it seems that she has chosen to side with him and Shio (and by extension their two fugitive comrades), it still didn't make sense to him. She could have chosen like Kota, and it would have killed him, but she didn't and he wanted to know why.

"Why did you say no?"

She stares at him for a moment as she soothes Shio's hair a bit. Soma thinks he hears her voice waver for a moment and he doesn't think he'll ever get used to the sound of her being distressed in anyway.

"The Director kept talking about **helping** your loved ones. You talked about Shio **being** a loved one," she sighs before continuing like it's the hardest thing in the world, "Unit 1 is the _only family_ I got. Kota's decision hurts but I'm proud of him, ya know? But, I can't turn my back on you...or Shio, or Sakuya and Alisa."

She stops herself from saying anything else, anything that might seem disingenuous to that little part of her heart that does look at her rag-tag team as family for an orphan like her. She shuts her mouth at the idea of dying for someone you love and care about, the only two things she has ever wanted wrapped together in some twisted present she one day hopes to receive. Instead, she looks at him and gives him a water smile; he shakes his head.

"I'm here to fight with you 'till the end, Soma."

She gives him a relaxed smile and the older teenager can swear that his heart beat stops at the sight of her looking so peaceful. She has fully made her choice out of her own free will and he couldn't be prouder. However, those words get stuck in his throat as gives her attention back to Shio, who is saying that she is hungry.

Soma looks at the two girls and wonders if this is what "family" means to him. 


	32. riot.

Shio's "glowing episodes" become more frequent as you spend pretty much all of your time with her. It's still the same things that you used to do of playing and teaching her here and there, but she seemed lost in her own world most of the time -- like she was fighting something you couldn't see. Soma and Dr. Sakaki understood it much better than you, though you tried your hardest outside all of this. Unit 1 had fallen apart since Sakuya and Alisa had left and Kota just wasn't there anymore, not when this could ruin his dream for the Aegis Project. You didn't blame any of them, but it didn't help the bouts of loneliness you felt from time to time. 

Your current norm was watching over Shio as Soma and the good doctor talked to each other about the Singularity. Dr. Sakaki's plan was clear, to test the Singularity within Shio and learn about its full potential, something that didn't sit well with you, and even less with Soma, though he was more verbal about the issue.

"If you think we're strings to be pulled, then you're no better than him," he exclaimed as you three watched Shio eat her food. 

"I assure you, your worries are unfounded," the older man stated trying to appease Soma,"I have done nothing to Shio, and I will do nothing. All she needs is company, as you have been sharing with her. And soon, she--"

The lights go off and you hear a booming voice. The Director laughs and says it's good to know where Dr. Sakaki was, you've all been exposed and he knows where Shio is now. 

"Our covers blown! We're done for!"

It's all Dr. Sakaki yells before the door comes crashing down.

* * *

Between the two of you, there was a heavy aura of anxiety since they had taken Shio and Dr. Sakaki was nowhere to be found. While, Soma was better at hiding his stress, he could see the Leader's tense shoulders and the way she was constantly rubbing her hands around her wrists. They were both worried, but didn't really know what to do. Then, they hear it and their heads snap back to see two familiar busty women and Soma can't help the witty remark that leaves his mouth.

"I thought you guys were on the run, looks like you ran back to the lion's den."

"We figured you'd be lonely, so we thought, might as well come and lend a hand," Alisa remarks back and Soma hears the light laugh to his left as the Leader shakes her head. Sakuya explains what they have been trying to do, finding another way into Aegis, with no such luck. Another option is presented to them in the form of red-haired boy who seems to gives them a shy smile.

"I think there might be. I'm not so sure, but I think there's a tunnel leading there underneath the Den." 

"Kota..." she breathes out in a small murmur, as Alisa wonders out loud what he is doing here. Blue eyes give their Leader a side glance and honestly, he has never seen her so happy before. It bothers him for a moment, but the situation at hand doesn't leave him room for questioning. 

"Come on! I think it's down here," Kota exclaims before making a full run to the lower basements of the Den. It doesn't take Soma long to notice that she is already by his side as they reach the large elevator door. 

"Thank you," his enhanced hearing picks up her voice through all the empty echoing. Kota turns to look at her and his eyes crinkle as he smiles and nods. 

The door can't be open without a key and now they are back to square one. Soma lets out a breath of frustration. Kota yells and the Leader scrathes the back of her neck in mild frustration as Sakuya and Alisa watch on, however their attention is turned to a familiar voice and the sound of high heels aganist the metal below. Tsubaki is standing there and smiling at your antics, at her little brother's mess, and that Kota was actually paying attention during Sakaki's lessons.

"I am proud of each and everyone of you. Fight well," is all she tells Unit 1 before opening the elevator before all of them head towards Aegis. The ride is quite, as he grasps his hands together. A deep breathe grabs everyone's attention as all of them look at their Leader, a nervous but excited grin on her face. 

"All right, Unit 1," she commands their attention in her most authoritative voice because in the end this is so much more than another mission. This is about Lindow, and Shio, and all those hundreds of people struggling to live, "Let's go kick some Director butt!"

She laughs while pumping her fist and everyone yells in agreement.


	33. goodbye for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that part with Shio and everybody crying. i'm crying, and you're crying too! enjoy!

It takes a couple more Aragami fights and philosophical disagreements between Dr. Sakaki and Director Johannes for you to finally face the man that has given Unit 1 so much grief. You let out a breathe of frustration and tiredness. The fights were starting to catch up on you, but Johannes wasn't done yet, as you glanced at Soma and Shio's empty body from the sides lines. He hadn't left her side since her body had been discarded of the Singularity. You had wanted to scream at how badly he had treated Shio and Soma, but all you could was turn that anger into beating down everything he sent you way. It wasn't until the end that he got desperate, that he become one with the Nova. 

There are certain parts of your body that are groaning from the sudden movement you are making, but you dig you heal onto the ground as Soma lifts up his God Arc in front of you. All of you are facing the powerful Aragami-Human combo and for a brief moment you aren't thinking about death. You are thinking about taking out this monstrosity, and maybe saving Shio because she doesn't deserve this -- Soma doesn't deserve this. 

Everyone is giving their own sentimental speech about what is important to them -- Sakuya about Lindow, Kota about his home, and Alisa about friendship. Soma shakes his head as he turns to look at you. You nod your head, as he makes a smart remark about said speeches. 

"...Cover me!" he yells as the Nova begins to rise up from its cocoon. You grip your God Arc a bit tighter and promise yourself that that thing isn't getting an inch on you.

* * *

The fight is over, but the Nova doesn't stop rising as it plans to destroy the world. You watch everyone fight over trying to stop it. For once Johannes acts like a father and tells Soma to board the ship to save his only child. You glance around as everyone starts conceding their defeat until Shio starts glowing a bright light and the Nova stops. The Nova stats glowing a bright blue and starts raising up slowly once more. A voice you fondly remember starts talking and sends you into a slight panic.

"Shio...what are you doing? Answer me," Soma asks as you keep staring at the night sky now slowly fading underneath the never ending light. 

"It's so big...and round," you turn to look at the moon beyond Aegis and can't help the lump growing in your throat at what Shio might be thinking of doing. Everyone seems to catch the message as well, as they start yelling at her.

"Please...Shio **don't** ," is all you can murmur to yourself. Shio starts talking about but it all becomes static in your ears as hot tears start running down yourself face. You start rubbing your free hand against your eyes to try to stop the river as you take a large gulp of air in order to calm down.

_All of you taught what makes a person...To eat together with someone...To live for someone...To die for someone...And finally to forgive someone._

Alisa is one the floor crying, while the rest of the group watches on but your eyes are too blurry as you can only see a hazy figure with Shio's voice ringing in your head. You take another gulp of air as a chocked out sob comes out of your mouth.

_I love you all as you are right now. And that's why I have to say goodbye, for now._

Shio laughs at something that Alisa responded to, but it doesn't matter because she has to go either way and it's breaking your heart in a way you've never felt before. Then, Shio asks for that one request that makes all your hearts stop -- to devour her, for Soma to devour her.

You bite you bottom lip as hard as you can and keep rubbing your eyes in frustration, surely bloodshot with how much you are crying. _We're always together. We're always one,_ , she tells you like she's an adult. God, you hate the choices she makes all on her own but couldn't be anymore prouder of her and in that brief moment of clarity Soma turns to look at you, waiting for your command. You let out a water sob, but shake your head in confirmation nonetheless. 

You hear the noise of his God Arc and start crying all over again.

_Thank you, my friends._

It's the last thing you hear before the Nova disappears into the darkness and snow-like lights begin to fall gently around all of you. You look up with tears still cascading down your face. You let one fall into the palm of your hand and feel warmer than you had in a very long time. 


	34. press the reset.

Everyone is a lot quieter when they return to the Den, and while there is still a lot of questions left unanswered Tsubaki gives all of Unit 1 a temporary leave until everything settles down. Kota goes to visit his family, Sakuya keeps grieving over Lindow in small ways with Alisa right next to her, and Soma takes on more missions to help in the aftermath of the Nova incident. You would have done the same if your hands would stop shaking.

For whatever reason, you can't seem to hold your God Arc for awhile and that leads to Tsubaki putting you on reserve for an additional week, which leads to you spending more time with Gen in the Den's gym. He tries to teach you some self-defense moves, but you don't take to them very well, though he is happy you have them in your arsenal. And in all your self-pity and anger, you come to terms with a lot of things -- about Shio, about living, about the orphanage, and even about _him_. So, then you ask Gen a question, after a small training session, that has been on your mind for a very long time.

"Gen, why don't you let me fight anybody?" you ask while taking off the bandages around your hands. It's one of those easier days wen they aren't covered in blood. Steady brown eyes look at you like he can see through all the things you have been trying to hide. He sighs and your heart stops for a moment.

"I know who ya are from the Outer Ghetto, kid. I ain't trying get nobody killed here," he pauses for a moment as you frown that your reputation preceding you in such a small but drastic way, "..but I ain't gonna be the reason you die here either, even if that's your wish."

Your eyes widen as you stare at the former God Eater. He shakes his head and comes to sit next to you. You enter into a panic and try to leave, but the hand on your sweaty head makes you stop. You let out a gulp of air because this in the first time in a long time, anyone acknowledged and spoke so seriously about the darker thoughts you held within. 

"I don't know what happened to you out there," he rubs your head like a father might do to a small child as you try not to breakdown right then and there,"...but you would be hurting a lot of people if you gave up the way you wanted to."

You knew, but sometimes you really didn't care.

* * *

For awhile, a lot of people give Soma condolences over the loss of his father -- that he was a good man, a brilliant mind, and a dedicated leader. Soma knows that Johannes von Shicksal was all of this and not at the same time. In the end, he was something entirely warped cause that lead him to an early death, just like his mother. It takes him a long time to cope with that, something that he still dealing with now alongside with Shio's decisions -- and just like that the things that were slowly becoming (or were) his "family" are gone. Well, all except one. That last person was in her room as he stands in front of its door with a small box of things that has been gathered from Shio's room -- all the things the Leader had used during her teaching lessons with the Aragami girl. 

He hadn't seen much of her since that day as Tsubaki forced her to take an extended break and he started helping the other Units with the cleaning of Nova, it was the least he could do after all the trouble his father had caused. Everything was falling back to some normal routine again, but his was empty without Shio there. He wasn't exactly sure what he was supposed to do anymore. So, he cleaned up Shio's room a bit, but not everything so that she would still have a presence, no matter how small within the Den. Thus, the small pile of books in his hand.

And just when he's about to knock, the door open to show him a somewhat wet and barefooted Leader. Her hair is damp against the towel around her neck. All she's wearing is a dark tank-top and gym shorts. There's a look of surprise on her face before its softens into a smile. Soma tries his hardest to keep staring at her face.

"Soma! Wow, this is a surprise," excitement and something else filters into her voice as she keeps smiling, "What can I do for you?"

"I came to return these," he pauses, as she stares at her little teaching set with a sad look, "from Shio's room."

She grabs them with slight hesitation and Soma can see her hands shaking slightly. It wasn't as bad as before, but it was still noticeable. Everyone was still grieving from Shio's loss, but Soma had to wonder how deep it actually affected the Leader and if it was connected to any past wounds she never talked about. She sidesteps while closing the door to her room with books in hand, she heads to the vending machine. Out of his sudden stupor, he follows her -- glaces at the hair that stops at the base of her neck, looks at the pattern of scars that run up and down her arms completely sure that a third of them were preventable and another third must have come from a life he knew nothing of. 

Because to this day, Soma still didn't much about her, while she could read him like an open book at times, and that frustrated him to no end. 

"Do you want one?" she asks as she puts money into the machine. The book neatly placed on the couch. Soma sits down and shakes his head no. She pops open a can of First Love juice and he makes a face. She leans against said machine and heaves a sigh.

"How have you been?" an awkward question to an awkward situation and Soma can help but laugh a bit as she smiles wearily. Neither of them are fine and both of them know the answer to that. They are both barely recovering from something so deeply entrenched into their lives being taken away. She had heard him curse more than a few times in the middle of the hallway and he had heard about her late night escapades in the gym -- some training equipment had been lost along the way. 

"It's been hell, right?" she answers her own question, as all Soma can do is nod. They both lost someone dear to them and neither of them is really good at talking or reaching out to people, so in this first somber moment -- she decides to do so.

"Soma, I know a large deal of our interactions were because of Shio, but I hope you know you're still a dear friend to me. I hope we have some time to catch up soon."

"Yeah...sure," is all he can really say in the sudden turn of events. She was always the one seeking him out, always the one declaring that he was something special to her, and now her she was giving him the opinion to be friends. To be someone to back him up in more than just actions but words too. It was a little daunting if you asked him. 

"Good," she declares with a nod as she gets her books and begins to head to her room. Blue eyes taking in her smile and Soma finds himself pulling on his hoodie a bit more than before.

"Good night, Soma," she declares from the end of the hallway. The door closes, and he's alone with all those harrowing thoughts and feelings he doesn't want to think of. He pushes his palm down his face in aggravation because his stupid heart won't stop thumping faster than usual with everything that just went down.

The Leader trusts him, believes in him, wants to learn more about him. A human connection is budding (or probably already established before he even knew it) and he isn't sure what to do.

He gets up and goes back to Dr. Sakaki for a word of advice.


	35. romance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was figuring out how they would realize it, and was just like "at the same time!?"

It's another couple of days after Unit 1 is all back together again. It's smaller missions between all four of you, since Sakuya is taking her own personal leave, and you couldn't be happier to be back on the field. You wanted to stop thinking about what Gen had told you, but looking at your group made you wonder how much they knew. How obvious you had made it to them? 

You doubted that Kota knew. You worried about how much Alisa knew due to of the previous Resonance you had performed together. However, Soma and his reaction was the one that worried you the most. You knew he had a similar mindset to you once, Lindow had hinted to it once or twice, but he was slowly changing. Everyone could see his transformation into a trusted and reliable member of the Den, helping where he could and keeping everyone on the mission safe. He wasn't seeking out death like you, hoping to be taken out in the way you wanted to.

_You can't die. Not here and never by your own hand. Give your life to others, promise me that. Promise me, dammit!_

God, you hate him on most days and on others you hate Soma a little more. He's your friend and comrade but how he struggles to survive and help others (under clearly not selfish reasons) hits a nerve in you that reminds you of brown-black eyes. You curse and bite you lip because deep, deep down you know the familiar feeling blooming inside your safely guarded heart. You've only felt one other time in your life (though is a more childish sense of the feeling), but it still scares the crap out of you.

_Because you can't be falling in...Not with him...Not when he's still mourning Shio._

Thus, standing in the middle of the communal dinning area, you look at Unit 1 happily eating together. Kota talking and making hand motions, Alisa is scolding him, and Soma is just observing the two and only sometimes adding his own remark. As if sensing something looking at him, blue eyes turn to lock with yours as he gives you a small nod and your heart stops.

You bolt it out of there as fast as you can, the rest of Unit 1 completely confused.

* * *

Soma shouldn't be bothered by it; he supposes its something that he should be used to by now. They had done this dance a million times before and now they were avoiding each other again, more specifically the Leader was avoiding him. It didn't bother him before, hell the him from a few months ago would have been happy in getting rid of such an annoyance, but since his talk with Old Man Sakaki, he wasn't so sure anymore -- as embarrassing as it was.

_"Hmm...heart palpitations...shortness of breathe...stuttering...angrier face than usual, correct?" the doctor asks as he keeps typing on the computer. A knowing smile on his face at the teenager's utter confusion._

_"Yeah, so?" Soma questions. His naivete showing exactly how sheltered he was when it came to certain things, though it might also be Soma's anger was no longer at the forefront of his mind anymore with the acceptance that came from Unit 1 and Shio. Soma had grown up, and Sakaki couldn't help but feel a little proud of him._

_"I've seen this once before," Sakaki starts, remembering fondly how his own friends fell in love,"...almost 20 years ago, when a pair of scientists I knew fell in love."_

_"WHAT!?"_

_"I hope you're better at courting than Johannes was, Soma."_

It had taken Soma some time to process the whole thing and even then he was still a little confused. For awhile, he had thought that what he felt for Shio could be considered "love", and while it was it was only in the familial sense. Shio was someone that Soma had connected with because of their shared backgrounds and who taught him to accept himself and others. Shio same the world with a childlike innocence that made him want to protect her like a big brother would their younger sister.

The Leader...well, she was something else because from Day 1, she had to be questioning him. She was the one that kept pushing at his door, to know him without any ulterior motives, and accepted him without him ever really knowing that she did. Always surprising him, until this sprang up. And damn if it was love, what was he suppose to do about it? Probably stay quite for now, since she was obviously avoiding him and Unit 1 had mission to the Wailing Plains to check out a new Aragami that had appeared. 

"Stop poking it, Kota," he tells the younger boy in an annoyed tone, as Alisa just sighs and the Leader shakes her head.

It was supposed to be easy, but nothing ever is in this damn workplace because as soon as they are all turning back, the Hannibal wakes up. Kota is in its direct range, but she jumps in the way before anything can happen to the younger teenager. There's a scream, as their Leader flies through the air and lands on the muddy ground. His mind is racing, but in that moment his leadership take over more than anything else.

"Fall back, guys! Let's go!" He yells as Unit 1 retreats. 

He and Alisa are slowly backing away from the Hannibal, preparing for the moment it attacks, as Kota grabs her body in order to get her to the nearest medic team. Soma feels his heart pounding and he can't help that familiar feeling of uselessness from popping up again, because it's just like Lindow...just like Shio.

 _Stupid Leader_ , he thinks for a nanosecond as he stares at her comatose body.

Why can't he ever protect the people he cares about?


	36. drawbacks.

Maybe because it's her or their own set of different reasons, but none of them leaves the Leader's side, even when the medics push them away, even when Tsubaki tells them to catch a break. All the young members of Unit 1 remind in the lounge waiting on some word about their stubborn leader. Kota is worried, Alisa is fearing the worst, but Soma is scared. Afraid isn't something he usually feels, but remembering how pale and small she looked back on the helicopter pulled something in him. He keeps thinking about all he could have done better, but he knew he could never stop her from standing in front of Kota -- the end all, be all.

"How is she?" his thoughts are thrown-off by the younger man's voice, as the medic looks at all three of them.

"She's just fine. Minor concussion, mild back pain. Just need to rest a little, but her God Arc is a different story," she tells them with a tight smile and says that they can see her in a few minutes, though she might still be asleep. 

Alisa and Kota take the seats right next to the medical bed and he's leans on the bed railing of the one right in front of hers. It doesn't bother him that he isn't right next to her since he gets a good view from where he is standing from as well (that doesn't sound creepy, he tells himself). She looks normal, like nothing had gotten to her but he could still see the starches on her face and her labored her breathing was at times.

And Unit 1 waited for their beloved Leader to wake up again.

* * *

_"I know you. You're gonna risk your life and limb for people like him, and that's fine. Just be smart, we don't need another Lindow."_

Soma isn't sure why he said that the way he did when there were so many other ways he would have told her to stop trying to get herself killed. It was a bit softer than intended, but the message was still clear for her and Alisa to understand. Soma knew how much the Leader cared about Kota, hell she probably spent the most time with him after himself when Shio was still around. They had entered Fenrir together at around the same time, and if Soma picked it up correctly Kota knew the most about their Leader's past than anyone else, even if it was only a tiny bit.

It wasn't like Soma was jealous, _because he wasn't!_ Because he was slowly and surely starting to realize that what he wanted from the Leader wasn't what she had with Kota, no it was something else, but he had to wonder how Kota had opened the side of her so quickly and honestly than she was willing to lay her life down for her. 

"What the hell am I thinking?" Soma grumbles to himself in agitation as he pulls his hoodie down harshly and enters the elevator to go to his room. It was a stupid idea, but he could still try it couldn't he?

_Just come visit her when she's alone! It's not that difficult._

Here's the thing though, the Unit 1 Leader was more popular than she realized, than Soma had realized because outside of her regaining consciousness there wasn't a moment that he could be alone with her in the med-bay. If Kota or Alisa weren't constantly hovering over her, someone was in there given her well-wishes or letting her know what she was missing out in the Den. Hell, even Gen had been there to give her some pointers on training to relive her injuries. Everyone cares about the Unit 1 Leader, some more than they might care to admit. And when it was finally possible for him to go see her, she had already been released though her God Arc was still damaged. It gave her some free time, but not enough for Soma to catch her by herself and in all honestly it was getting annoying.

"I know it's been awhile," he can hear Kota (sitting next to her during lunch) not too far from him, "but who was that guy we met back in the Outer Ghetto."

"Mhhh...you mean Toma, brown hair and green eyes," she answers back without missing a beat. 

"Yeah. He from the orphanage too?" Kota questions her.

"Yup, used 'ta treat my wounds after I got into fights," she answers and Soma can hear Kota's utensils drop because the Leader fighting must have caught his attention as well. Blue eyes drat to their Leader, completely calm compared to Kota's shocked face. 

"W-Wait, you used to _fight_. Like those gangs in the outskirts," he asks and she shrugs her shoulders like its nothing, but to Soma is starts to explain a lot of things.

"Exactly like those," she confirms.

"I'm friends with an yankee!?" Kota whispers yells and the Leader gives him an amused scoff and smile, but Soma isn't jealous in that moment -- he swears it.

"No--"

"Soma, why are you **glaring** at the Leader and Kota?" Alisa's voice drags his attention from the duo that start laughing. He looks up to see a curious look on the Russian's face, Sakuya not to far away from them and coming in closer. Soma feels a little angry and confused to be caught staring, but instead of answering he just gets up and walks away. 

The pair of women look at his retreating back and to the pair that are laughing not that far away from them. Alisa looks as Sakuya, as a small smile grows on the older woman's lips as the blond's eyes widen.

"You don't think?"

"Oh my, my my."


	37. little victories and defeats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for 100+ kudos. i am glad people enjoy this indulgent fic of mine!

Everything has it downfalls, even (sort of) falling in love. It comes with worrisome and troublesome feelings towards another person that might not return said feelings, that was one of Soma's many problems -- another one was that he sort of fell in love with a person with a reckless streak that couldn't stand waiting around because when all the Units had come back on Hibari's orders, he had to hear that both Licca and their Leader were in the hospital in the aftermath of the Aragami breach. She had grabbed another God Arc and fought with it until she collapsed -- he was in horror and awe over Hibari's report. However, he was also worried that this had been her 3rd hospital trip within a month's time, he was slightly angry that he couldn't be there whenever she needed help.

He groans and runs a hand through his face in frustration. He stares at the research book in front of him, but not really reading the words. All he really wanted to do was go see if she had woken up yet, but visiting hours had ended by the time Unit 1 had come back from another mission as the medical staff kept watch over her. 

"This is _annoying_ ," the teenager mumbles angrily to himself, as he grabs the book and heads to the entrance of the library, completely ignoring the presence behind him for his own sanity.

"Oh Aisha, your son has _fallen_ **hard** ," Dr. Sakaki smiled to himself as he went about his own research for the time being.

* * *

Black hair with bright brown eyes, that's the thing that does you in when first meeting Ren.

Sweet smile and a kind voice asking how you are doing, tears are burning in the corner of your eyes as the young boy keeps talking, that he's a new recruit to the medical team working on Aragami prevention, infection, and find a cure for all of that. You wished had paid attention to all the things that Licca told you about never using another person's God Arc, which you already knew but the adrenaline rush was a a crazy thing. No, instead you're looking at a smile that seems to have haunted you beyond the grave because in the right light he looks a little like Lindow, and in another he looks a little like--

_He looks just like Yu._

"I should tell everyone you're awake, they've been in a panic ever since they got back," Licca smiles and gets up from her seat. You got back to staring at the younger boy from the corner of your eye. He smiles like the sun and got damn your heart fluttering in fear and something else. Ren keeps rambling on about the Far East branch and you're just stuck staring at him and wondering how a kid younger than Kota and Alisa got thrown into all this. You sigh and he seems to have caught on to his rambling.

"...Why don't you take a break? Feel better soon," he tells and you want to say a million things, but you are still feeling drained from everything that has happened. You lay down, he smiles. Ren stays with you until you fall asleep, and in that deep slumber you can't help but let out a chocked sob. 

It takes another couple of hours for anyone from Unit 1 to visit you and Ren isn't there when you wake up, so it just you and your million lonely thoughts to keep you company. You are much more calm about the whole situation in regards to Ren and for a brief moment you can't help but wonder if he was related to your deceased savior. Yu had been an orphan much older and longer than you had when he had found you, underneath some rubble after an Aragami attack on the outskirts of the Ghetto He had healed your wounds and made sure you survived through it all. He kept you alive for so long when all you had wanted by then was sleep -- _just a kid and already wishing for death was something that would always break his heart_ , he told you once.

You stare at your hands and try to remember him without sobbing, but only that new transfer seems to pop into your mind. You're too engrossed in the past to notice someone opening the med-bay door. Two chirpy voices drag you out of your thoughts, though you can hear an annoyed third voice in the back that jump starts your heart just a little bit. 

"Hey, how are you doing?" Sakuya smiles at you as her and Alisa enter the room, you're a little confused because you had thought you had heard Soma as well. You smile and state that it's nothing, which causes the Russian to frown for a moment before she lets out their big surprise. 

"We brought someone!" She declares and said teenager you were just thinking about opens the door and is pushed into sitting next to you. You want to say that you missed him, but that seems like to much, especially when you have been the one avoiding him this entire time. 

"Soma! How have you been?" you exclaim, as he pulls his hoodie down a little more. Your eyes are completely on him as he mumbles fine, fully aware of the two women watching his actions like a hawk. 

"We'll just leave you guys to catch up then," Sakuya states and they leave rather quickly, leaving a group of flustered teens in her wake. You turn your body slightly an await a reprimand for your actions, but Soma doesn't say anything. He just keeps looking down with his hands crossed over his chest. You cock your head and ask in a soft voice.

"Soma, are you mad again?" you smile when he looks up and sigh, though you have only become aware of his problem.

"I thought we had this discussion already. _Be smart_ **Don't be Lindow** ," it wasn't how he wanted to start off this conversation, but you had brought it up and he couldn't ignore that recklessness of yours. 

"I've _never been_ very smart," you give him a weary smile, "and I've just so used to getting in front of others during a fight." 

Like back in the Outer Ghetto?" he questions you and it causes your smile to drop. You weren't sure how he knew, but you know it had to be through Kota. You look at your hands and almost feel a little ashamed that Soma knew about that part of your life, and if he knew Sakuya did too. 

"I fought because I needed to survive with the rest of my group," you try to defend yourself, but its a weak excuse and it doesn't fit in the larger scale of things. Soma frowns, and you know he caught you on your bluff.

"Unit 1 is a team, you don't have to be a hero," he murmurs a bit softer, and you nod though you're lying.

_(I don't wanna be a hero. I wanna die. I wanna see Yu again.)_

"I'll try not to..." you conceded --for now-- like a scolded child, but a sudden thought pops into your head that throws you into hysterics. Soma's eyes bulge out for a moment at the sudden sound because he swears he has never heard you laugh like that before, especially now with Kota.

"I can't believe the _great loner Soma_ is," you say between laughs and the older teenager feels his face start to heat up because he knows where you are going with all this,"scolding me about teamwork!"

You grabbed your sides and keep laughing, and he can help but stare at the sight in front of him -- though it's over by the time you open your eyes and looks at him again. He mumbles to himself and pulls his hoodie down, but even in defeat he can't help but feel like he got what he wanted out of all this, and that was enough for now.


	38. haunt me.

_He's staring at a large and dark Aragami. The other have escaped and that's all he can care about in the end. Everything hurts, but he was never one to go down without a fight._

_Brown, then bright blue eyes are staring back at you. You can't do anything as the Aragami swallows him whole._

You roll out of bed and hit the floor with a pained groan, the impact doing much less damage than what you remember from the dream. _Yu. Lindow. Ren. Soma._ They mingled together and for the first time in a long while you were scared of going back to sleep. You pick yourself and head to the coach. It wasn't like you didn't have nightmares, it had just been awhile. Emotions were painful and caring about others brought up the failure you felt towards one death for certain, even if you hadn't been there to begin with. Meeting Ren caused all of these painful feelings to be brought up again, which just created an awful concoction with what you were feeling towards Soma -- whatever it was. 

You sit on the couch with a thin blanket and let your mind wonder - a million scenarios popping up in your head and taking away all the people that you have come to care for. Your breathe hitches a bit more each passing second as large, warm tears cascade down your face though you are too far gone to notice. You remember the deaths of younger kids that you were supposed to care. You remember Yoriko smiling, fighting with Mark and Toma over every little thing, teaching Shio how to read (and maybe if you could, you would remember your parents too). People always left and you had to deal with the aftermath of their absence -- you really hated it, hated them if only for awhile. 

Staring at the ceiling made you realize that you were the one that wanted to leave the most, but that wasn't knew. The new, strange little emotion in the corner of your heart was that you wanted someone to make you stay -- blond, blue eyes, eternal scowl on his face. 

A shudder leaves your body and your promise not to make the same mistake twice (a million times over), loving people had never brought you anything good anyways.

* * *

Sakuya wonders if Soma is trying to be a creep or if he just isn't sure how to show his concern in any other because ever since that hospital visit he has taken up the tendency of watching over their Leader. While her injuries has perfectly healed, she was still out of commission due to her busted God Arc, thus leading to Tsubaki having her training the New-Types part-time, and wherever they were -- Soma was sure to be there in some type of capacity as well. However, the Leader never seemed to acknowledged his presence. She was sure everything had gone well after the hospital visit -- what was going on? 

"Soma, is everything all right between the two of you?" Sakuya finally asks when their Leader is told to go down to the God Arc armory. He still standing there, unsure of whether he should follow. Blue eyes meet brown and Sakuya is certain there is a blush seeping from the base of his neck to his cheeks.

"I don't know," he manages to say "...I sort of lectured her on teamwork the other day."

Sakuya pauses because this is probably the most she had ever heard Soma be honest about his feelings and that he had lectured someone about **safety** surely didn't sound like the young man she had seen grown up. It was daunting, but kind of cute as well. 

"Are you worried about her?" Sakuya asks, wondering if she can take this line of questioning into confirming something. But, at the same time, she could understand where the young man was coming from -- it was exhausting watching over someone that always ran head first into things, she knew too well from experience.

"Maybe..." Sakuya tries to catch the last part as he starts mumbling, "...but why can't she trust us."

"Trust us...or trust _you_?" Sakuya asks hopefully with a little quip of teasing that the edge of the question. Sakuya knew that the Leader trusted them on the battlefield, but there was still a lot of darkness within herself that she kept locked, though all the members of Unit 1 had seen it creep to the surface at times, but it seemed that Soma wanted more than a glance. However, the Leader didn't want to have her shell broken and kept people at a distance like she was afraid of something. 

Blue eyes look up to glance at Sakuya from underneath his hoodie, the blush on his face more prominent than before. However, before she can say anything else, a pair of loud footsteps catch their attention as they see their usually calm Leader running down the hall way. 

_Shio...Lindow...Still alive... Please, still be alive._

She paid no mind to them as she entered the elevator and Sakuya couldn't help but worry for the two teenagers, as Soma's frown deepened.


	39. live through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> using the hell out of the mutual pinning tag.

You run as quickly as you can to Dr. Sakaki's office and it is convenient that Tsubaki is there at the same moment as well. They stare at you with confusing and anticipation and with a deep breathe you tell them everything you had seen through the Renosance with Lindow's God Arc. They both wear their poker faces as and never betray anything that might be feeling at such a revelation, unlike you who is nearly delirious and close to crying once again. The joy that Lindow might be alive mixes with your murky feelings altogether and nearly bringing out the truth of the matter deep inside your heart. 

"I trust that you were discreet with the others? It wouldn't do them well to get their hopes up only to plunge them back into despair."

And if there is one thing you are good at is keeping secrets, staying quiet and watching everything unfold was something you were good at. Dr. Sakaki makes you retell the whole story over and over again, just to make sure everything is in order and in seeking how the former captain might have survived at the mention of his deformed arm, Old Man Sakaki can't help but him in interest at Lindow's transformation. 

"I need to ensure that it's him. We need to take every precaution. It's crucial that they infection doesn't spread any further."

Everything is blur after that with missions made to check and double check the Old Temple with anyone that isn't in Unit 1 and because you are still technically incapacitated. You haven't talked to anyone that isn't Ren in the past couple of days, but you try to make it seem that it is for the better good of the team because if Lindow is back -- they surely won't need you anymore, right? Looking at the wintry night sky with its bright full moon, you can't help but feel a little calm and terrified about that line of thinking.

* * *

After a few days of reconfirming everything, Tsubaki gives an official announcement to all the Units about Lindow's search resuming. Everyone is cheering, but all Soma can do is stare at the stoic Leader hide in the back and wonder how much of this was her doing, because it was usually her that got the pedals moving nowadays in the Den. She smiles at Sakuya's renewed enthusiasm, but Soma always has to be the bearer of bad news. 

"He's not home yet. Come on, the sooner we get out there, the sooner we find him," he declares with all the intention in the world to pick up that stupid idiot and give him a piece of his mind, as the Leader nods in agreement. 

Everyone agree, but then Hibari becomes the bearer of bad news as Unit 1 is forced to remain on active duty rather than help with the search. Both of them frown as a result. While they are disappointed Units 2 and 3 promise to do their best, she turns to Tatsumi with her best, unsettled smile. 

"Please bring Lindow back home," she pleads for their Unit, as Tatsumi grins and gives her a small pat on the back. It unnerves him, but he stays quite for now.

"Sure thing, kid. It's a captain's promise!" the older man declares and her smile grows just a smidgen more. After everything is settled, he waits to talk to her as the New-Type rookies ask her a whole new set of questions, she answers them to the best of her abilities, while a smile and several strange hand gestures all the while and he just ends up staring at her.

" _Ohhh_ , you gotta it bad, don't you Soma?" a certain blond ask besides him and Soma's red cheeks signify that he knows he's been caught. There is a small smirk on her face, as he looks at the ground. 

"I don't know what you are talking about," he manages to answer as he sees their Leader bringing in Kota into her discussion with the New-Types. They laugh and blue eyes narrow.

"My, it's worst than I realized if you're glaring at Kota," she murmurs as the older teenager moves to and starts moving towards the stairs, his need for conversation largely forgotten,"But I hope you know he isn't any competition."

She declared it as clear as day and deep down Soma knows it as well, but that doesn't stop his heart for wishing to have something as easy as what the Leader and Kota seemed to share. 

"I don't care," he huffs out and enters the elevator as Alisa shakes her head.

"Oh Soma, if you only knew who your really competition was." 


	40. choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, officially at 40 chapters and almost done with ren and lindow's arc! there might be some filler afterwards (amamiya wedding, some manga stuff, mc's birthday) before hitting the resurrection arc. also i have been debating whether i should add more of the mc's established past, would that be ok? let me know and enjoy!

Life follows an uneasy pattern after that declaration because sometimes all you do is wait for the other Units to come back with some type of news, usually it isn't anything good. Other days you are either training the rookies or in semi patrol duty with Unit 1. It gives you a lot of time to think and sometimes you end up talking to Ren about a lot of these things ( though he only ever talks about Lindow). He stays quite and listens most of the time -- about death, about life, about being a God Eater, but you never tell him about the thing that bothers you the most. 

Maybe, you really are going crazy without any fighting. 

"He was certainly beloved wasn't he? Even with all his foolishness, idiocy, and jokes. You even saw it when you fought the Ogretails together. Couldn't even count," he declares as your eyes widen because the only that had been on the mission where you and Lindow, how could Ren have known? 

_How?_

"Now look at what you have become. A leader, a captain, a God Eater well-loved and well-respected by all those who fight here," the small youth declares even if he knows that you hate it. You frown and he gives you a small cheeky smile, seemingly set on crashing your hopes of finding Lindow in one piece. 

"That is why I must warn you," he states as you pause and stare at him, "Dealing with a God Eater who has been infected is...It's a rapid mutation when the Bias factor is violently cut off. It's fast, it;s vicious, and does terrible things."

You grip your knuckles together for a moment, and stare at the red bracelet latched on to your arm. It had been a dangerous decision to become a God Eater, you knew that but hearing what could happen if you even lost your bracelet made you feel a little queasy; you wonder how Lindow was handling it, all alone. 

"There is only one way that I know of that can guarantee any kind of peace and death for that person," your eyes flicker back to Ren at his sudden declaration because it means that there is now way of bringing Lindow back alive, and you can't have that."It's not easy, you have to be a match. Twinged in such as way to them already..."

You shake you head in confusion, even though you already know he is talking about the God Arc incident you has some time ago, when you saw inside Lindow's thoughts and past during the last mission you had ever been on. You had to kill Lindow yourself to stop his suffering. 

"Stop!" you yell out and push Ren into the vending machine. His drink clinks onto the floor and you're trying your hardest to control your breathing. Brown eyes look at you and in a certain light you try not to feel like you're 10 again, trying to stop Yu from leaving you behind -- not that it ever stop someone from leaving you. Ren doesn't seemed fazed at all by your course of action and keeps talking. 

_If Lindow was an Aragami...Could you put him down? Could you slay that beast?_

You let him go and even if you're scared for one moment, you knew that you could end Lindow's suffering if need be, but you were sure that isn't what everybody else would want -- it wasn't what you wanted because you wanted him to live. However, this time nobody was making the choices for you, Ren was laying out what could happen and it was your choice to make, and you hated him for a moment for that.

_Selfish choices. Foolish choices. It is the nature of this world to do right and to do wrong._

_I'm sorry._

It's the last thing you remember him saying before he leaves to enter the medbay. You stay silent for awhile before leaving the floor all together, not wanting to think of all that has been placed on your shoulders.

* * *

Soma is striding down the corridor that leads to the gym after hearing about his Leader's latest escapade -- running to help Unit 2 during a Hannibal attack all on her own. While, parts of Tatsumi's story intrigued him, Soma was all pissed off and betrayed that she had gone off on her own again. They had had this discussion more time than he could count at this point, but it was always the same damn result, she would rush off without a single regard for her body and even less to ask for help. **Did she wanna die?**

It's a question that popped a million times into his head since meeting her, gnawing more at his brain since realizing what he was truly feeling and coming to see what she truly did on the battle. At one point he would have agreed with her, but now the idea just scared the crap out of him especially when it came to her. Soma takes a deep breathe to calm himself down before turning to see her sitting on one of the benches placed outside of the gym entrance. 

Her short hair is covering her face and her gym clothing -a loose shirt and shorts- are sticking to her body due to the sweat, her bandages hands are red. Soma can hear her rapid heartbeat as she takes deep gulps of air. Soma walks closer and sees an utter lost look on her face and it nearly destroys all the anger he was feeling -- almost. 

"Hey--" he starts, but dead eyes look at him and it causes him to stop for a moment. 

"Soma," is all she says as she rushes her body into his without thought. The older teenager doesn't know if he wants to die right then and there, but he knows something is wrong if she is being physical, especially with him. She's never been this close to him before and he isn't sure what to do when all he can smell is her sweat and blood. 

She steadies herself and let's out a small puff of air near the crook of his neck and jacket, and Soma tries to stay calm though there is a light rush of red coloring his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" he asks, in a steady voice, as calm as he can be in such a situation, which is pretty good. 

"TIred, tired of making choices. Why is --" She pauses for a moment before taking in a deep breathe and pushing away. She steps back and is about to move away, but his reflexes are faster as he grabs her bandages hand. She doesn't squirm away, but she isn't looking at him either. 

"Remember what you told me awhile back," Soma questions as a pout forms on her lips because she already knows what he is talking about, already knows she's gonna get scolded again,"If you have my back, I have yours."

"I know," she shakes her head and start walking away, " _I'm sorry._ "

She runs down the hall before Soma can do anything else, he puts his hands in his jacket pockets and wonders what the hell she was actually sorry for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catch me on the flip side: [writing tumblr](http://the-canary.tumblr.com/)


	41. live with.

You groan in the middle of the night. You knew where Lindow--the black Hannibal-- was, you had been following it since its initial attack these past few days. Your hands are shaking as you put on your Fenrir uniform, your hair is to the point in order not to bother you in any way. You put on your gloves and hold your God Arc bracelet closer to your body for a moment.

"Please help me through this, **partner** ," you shudder out a breathe and hope they hear you and understand from what you learned from Ren.

You shake your head and go out of your room, thanking Tsubaki and Dr. Sakaki that the rest of Unit 1 are on a different mission. You see a familiar young man standing next to the elevator, a sad smile on his face as you solemnly shake your head while crushing your knuckles together -- once, twice, and the noise filters into the room as if some kind of omen on what you have to do. 

"You ready?" he cocks his head to the side and keeps smiling. For a moment, Ren looks a light older and you're a little younger and slightly more naive, but are still destroying someone's life in the process, always have been. You smile back and nod. 

"As ready as I'l ever be. Time to head out," you both enter the elevator and head to the God Arc storage and will continue onto an unmarked tunnel that leads to Aegis Island --you hate that place so much by now, wish it would burn to the ground-- and you thank the Director for once of all the murky connections he seemed to had in order to reach that hellish place. 

Your steps echo in the dark room and you grab Lindow's broken God Arc. You try not to scream and Ren disappears. You let out a light sob and grip both God Arcs and your arms burn for a moment -- like the first time you connected with the bracelet because you needed to survive just long enough. Now, Lindow needed to do as such.

"Idiot can't follow his own rules," you head out with a hollow laugh, almost as if trying to channel Soma and gain some confidence in what you are about to do.

* * *

_Idiot._

It's the only word echoing in Soma's mind after figuring out that the Leader that left on her own again, after confirming that there was a Hannibal on Aegis island -- it didn't a genius to put two and two together, but for all his talk Soma couldn't have figured out any of this beforehand. They were both idiots in the worst sense of the word, and all he can do is bring his fist down on the table in anger. However, the rest of Unit 1 still seems to be in the dark about everything else compared to his knowledge --unfortunately due to his parents' research-- of Aragami and the bias factor as a whole.

"Because she's stupid. Come, gather your Arcs. We're going right now," he can hear himself saying to the other three, but his head is buzzing and his hands are shacking with anger for him to notice how they are all looking at him. They're all wasting time, but Tsubaki stops them from moving any further. 

"The Black Hannibal...somehow Lindow was infected. He became something that cannot be controlled," Tsubaki explains and they all look away in horror for a moment, realizing the burden their Leader had put on herself once more. Sakuya yells in protest, but like always Tsubaki remind them of the awful truth. 

_She went to protect all of you, to save you and finish this on her own._

"...And what about the rest of you? Do you think you could take aim at your teacher?" Tsubaki questions all of them and even if Soma didn't see Lindow in that way, he wondered how she must of felt coming to this decision -- knowing that she has to bring down Lindow in order to save him from this madness. It takes a certain type of void to move forward with such decision and Soma wondered if that was something she had learned in the Outer Ghetto as well, or if it was something more ingrained into her being. 

They don't have the time to question it anymore when Tsubaki sends them personally to Aegis Island to destroy the Black Hannibal. All of them gasp at what she asks of them, and in that moment Soma realizes that he might be a bit more soft-hearted than their Leader because it takes him a moment to come to terms with what they have to do. _How does she do this all by herself? Why?_

Sakuya declares her love and to see Lindow's bitter end. Kota talks, but everyone seems to be talking about the former captain, completely forgetting who made the lone choice to go in the first place, who is dealing with her own personal struggle right now (while taking on the burden of others without a second thought) and never lets anyone in. That stupid, self-sacrificing idiot.

"Hey, our only calling here is to protect our Captain. We've been carried through every day. Now, it's our turn to take up the banner," he declares and everyone turns to look at him for a moment. In a less serious situation, he would have blushed, right now all he lets out is a huff of annoyance as Tsubaki smiles. 

_Bring them back, or I'll kill them myself._

They all nod at Tsubaki's message and begin to prepare to head to Aegis Island. Soma tightens his fist just a little at the thought of what happened the last time he was on that island and promises not to lose another person dear to him.


	42. tough and alone.

"Captain!"

 It echoes in your head that Alisa is calling you, that the rest of Unit 1 is here, but all your attention is wired to the Aragami directly in front of you. After a long battle, you can taste copper and iron on your tongue, while your joints creak a little from overuse. Everything hurts, but you're not done yet. The Black Hannibal moves and you slink back into a fighting position as Lindow becomes exposed to all of you. There are gasps, but all you can hear is Ren's voice ringing in your head. 

 

_Plunge it into his heart. It's the only way to end this_  --- You frown because thought you were prepared, but you still hesitate and Ren frowns at your response. The rest of Unit 1 are shouting are Lindow to come back.

_Still you waver? I thought you were braver than that, I thought you had made your peace with this long ago_. -- Ren chastised you, as you stare at your hand for a moment and back at the God Arc. 

 Sakuya cries. Alisa declares. Ren and Lindow keep talking at the same time that it blurs for a moment. The Hannibal regains control and that is when you choose to take the God Arc. You scream, as it morphs your hand into something else. You know that you're the worst type of hypocrite because of what you choose to declare next. You're hoping Lindow makes it out of all of this because there are may people that miss him and still love him dearly; you aren't so sure about yourself. 

"I refuse to let you run away from living! You hear me!" you scream and start running towards the Black Hannibal with both God Arcs at hand,"That's an order, Lindow!"

_Everything burns bright and your heart stops._

* * *

  _I owe you thanks. Every experience that I had is yours, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I was happy to have any moment alongside you, happy to fight with you. It was..it was fun!_   

 

_Goodbye, partner. I see you again real soon._

The lights begin to dim and the rest of Unit 1 can see their Leader and Lindow laying on the ground with brief movements here and there. Lindow groans and slow manages to put himself in a sitting position as Sakuya runs to him, leaving her God Arc behind and throwing herself onto the former captain. The Leader is a little slower to get up and when she does, Soma can see her staring at her God Arc for a long while. Soma holds his breath as she turns to look at the three of them, Sakuya is sobbing and Lindow is trying to calm her down but her light whisper is the only thing booming in his head.

"Hey guys." she gives them a watery smile," guess ya found me?"

All three of them run to her and surround her the two in obvious concern. She turns to look at Lindow, who is looking at the small yellow orb in the center of his hand, beyond him his broken God Arc with three very large holes at its center. The older man turns to her and they share shaky smiles. The rest of Unit 1 looks on, obviously confused at the sentiment being shared as Lindow places his flesh hand on top of her head and shakes it like a big brother would.

"You did good, kid," is all he says but it feels like its for someone else as well with how low and remorse it sounds in the moment. 

"I think all three of us did," she laughs light before her voice gives out in the end. Her shoulders are slump and she is still breathing rather heavily. She is obviously tired, but there is still a bright smile on her face.

"Well, now Tsubaki won't kill you!" Kota chimes in as the rest of the group laughs in obvious relief. Alisa suggest that they begin to head back to the Den, and as Sakuya begins to help Lindow get up, the Leader does so on her own. Both Alisa and Sakuya are frowning as they watch her on shaky knees, but know better to her in their Leader's way. It isn't until she tries to take a step forward that she almost topples over, that's one Soma rushes to her side and catches her with one arm.

"What did I tell about about doing everything yourself,  _idiot_?" he hisses in annoyance, but all she can do is let out a weak  _sorry_  and Soma knows that this isn't the time for a lecture, especially when the rest of Unit 1 is looking at him with curious eyes. 

"Well, I guess we should all head back," Lindow declares, obviously not as injured as their Leader though just as curious as everyone else looking at the two teenagers holding onto each other dearly. He smiles and grabs the Leader's God Arc --because she won't leave it there to be picked up later-- because it's the least he can do for her, and Soma places her on his back like she had done with Shio in a similar fashion ages ago.

_Thank you Ren_ , is the only two certain people say inside their hearts as Unit 1 walks away from Aegis Island once more. 

It seems that everyone is waiting within the Den's lobby as Unit 1 comes out of the elevator. There are cheers and joyful cries as everyone circles around to welcome Lindow, though it seems that Dr. Sakaki is interested in something else. Nobody seems to notice the sleeping Leader onto of Soma's back or maybe they are just being considerate after everything she has gone through. Tsubaki's eyes meet Soma's once as she nods before he heads into the elevator that leads into the med-bay. The ride noticeably quieter than the celebration they just left, Soma lets out an annoyed huff as he pulls her body closer to his -- making sure that she's still breathing, still here with him.

"You're going to tell me everything once you get better," Soma murmurs angrily to himself, as the Leader moves her head slightly from his shoulder and into the crook of his neck (his hoodie had fallen off on the walk back). Her light breathing pushed him out of his stupor, but her shallow sigh of  _Yeah...sorry,_ made him chuckle just slightly. 

"You're a damn handful," he speaks, not expecting a reply as he walks out of the elevator and begins to head to the empty med-bay. He begins to place her gently onto the small bed, but not before he feels something softly pressed anything the side of his neck. The Leader huffs lightly as he places her in the bed, her next words causes him to freeze in confusion.  

 ... _Love you, Soma._          

 


	43. together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg, we are nearing the end of this series since only the new arc is left along with some side chapters i want to write. the "60" is only an estimate of how many chapters might be left, so please don't worry. this was a great but hard chapter to write since we are getting close to them finally confessing! i am also planning a story based off of God Eater 2! please look forward to it and i would love to hear what you guys think.

_Three days._  It takes three days for the Leader to wake up and while everyone is taking their time in watching over her, it's Soma that is constantly hovering over her to see that she is all right and when she will wake up. It's not that nobody notices the change within the teenager (except Kota, and he's the one most vocal about it as well), it just surprises most of them how long it took for him to do something about it. However, what they don't know is that Soma is constantly thinking about the events in the aftermath of the Black Hannibal incident and what exactly it all meant,  _if it meant anything at all really?_ Because he has come to the realization that these feelings are solid and they are going to go away, but that there are also others things that he wants to address.  
  
Outside of everything, he wants to better know and understand the Unit 1 Leader and why she throws herself in danger's way without a care for her own body. Soma thinks he knows why, because he's been in that dark place too once, but he doesn't want to make assumptions about her feelings. He sighs while standing in front of the medical bay and wonders if this is a semblance of what Sakuya must have felt when Lindow was gone, now she wouldn't even let him out of her sight, especially now that the wedding planning was in full swing.  
  
_Friendship. Love. Caring and protecting for someone_ , Soma blushes slightly at all these thoughts because nearly a year ago he wouldn't have thought he would have had all of this, and mostly it was because of some careless rookie that wouldn't leave him alone -- that he didn't want to leave alone now. He's about to enter when he hears to familiar female voices -- the Leader, horse and a speaking softly, and a very concerned Alisa.  
  
"You should be more careful," Alisa seems to reprimand their Leader, and Soma can't help but agree silently.   
  
"I know..." she murmurs back softly.   
  
"No, you don't! Don't you think I didn't see your thoughts, your past..." the Russian sounds like she is on the verge of crying, as the Leader seems to be trying her best to calmer her down.   
  
"I--" her voice gives out on her.  
  
"Have you always been that way?" Alisa questions and Soma quickly comes to understand what they are talking about, he   
  
"Since I can remember..." Soma wants to curse at her answer because he knows fully well where she is coming from, though their experiences are completely different.   
  
"So..." Alisa sniffles a bit.   
  
"That stupid promise has been the only thing keeping me alive," Soma quirks an eyebrow in question of what she could be referring to, but like Kota, it is obvious that Alisa knows certain things about the Leader that he doesn't. It causes him to frown at the thought. 

"And has it changed since becoming a God Eater?" Alisa whispers, and Soma turns back to the elevator, not ready to hear her response. 

* * *

They release you two days after waking up and while there is talk all around of Lindow becoming captain again, he seems to enjoying taking it easy as Dr. Sakaki keeps him in observation in regards to his new arm (while asking you about everything you experienced with Ren) and helping Sakuya prepare for their upcoming nuptials. It had been surprising to you to find out that they were already engaged, but it sort of made sense and you were extremely happy about that. Everyone was helping in anyway that they could, and it seemed that you were just going to stay as captain of Unit 1. People welcomed you back with open arms and worried looks, especially Gen and Alisa -- for only reasons that they knew. And while you has heard that Soma had kept watch over you, you hadn't seen him since waking up. 

You tried to pretend it didn't bother you, but then Dr. Sakaki decides to call both of you in.

"As you know, Sakuya and Lindow will be getting married soon," the old man begins to explain with you sitting on the couch and Soma standing on the other side of the room," According to her wishes, she will relinquish her role as Vice-Captain within Unit 1. As the current most senior member, I recommend Soma to be your new Vice-Captain." 

"Hey, don't--" he begins to complain ad he stands from the wall in indignation. 

"I fully accept your recommendation," you state without missing a beat as Sakaki smiles and blue eyes turn to look at you in anger. 

"Don't accept things without my constent,"  he seethes like an angry child before leaving the room. You are throughly confused by his behavior, but are fully aware that there is usually a bigger issue behind his outbursts. You nod at Dr. Sakaki before running after him, the good doctor shaking his head with  _Oh Alisha, how he has hasn't grown at all_. 

You leave the research room and find Soma pounding his fists next to the vending machine. You walk without a hint of fear towards him, as he leads out a ragged sigh. He places his head on the wall, as you silently stand next to him. 

"Soma, are you still mad?" you question because that is the only thing you really think of that could be bothering him. You place your hand on top of his white knuckles and soothe over the the material of his gloves. He turns to look at you with a pained expression you can't quite decipher, and all you can do is smiling softly. 

"How long have you been trying to die?" he whispers harshly in your face, "Why?"

You look down at the floor, as bright blue eyes keep staring at you but you don't answer because Soma already knows -- he had wanted to die for so long, would have been already if it wasn't for Lindow and Sakuya. He wonders for a brief moment if he has done for you what you had done for him, Soma hopes so. He turns to face you completely, but he doesn't move to do anything more than that.

"Since I was a kid, I mean who wants an _useless orphan,_ " you chuckle mirthlessly, "I was forced to learn a lot to survive, because he wouldn't let me go." 

"Who?" he questions, as you kept playing with his fingers but shake your head nonetheless.

"Hmm...I think it might be better to explain more through somewhere else," you smile as he nods, "I mean, it's about time I told someone, ok?"

"Okay." 


	44. wedding bells.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> been gone for awhile, but you get a long update! congrats!

Soma sits awkwardly from across the couch, as she hands him something to drink before sitting herself. The air is tense around them and Soma never though that his first time sitting in the object of his affection's room would be connected to her explaining why she wanted to die. She lets out a steady sigh before looking at him straight-on, so that he knows that she has nothing to hide. Then, she talks: about the parents she can't remember, about Yu and how he wouldn't let her die, about the orphanage and her struggles to survive, about Yoriko and the two other boys that pushed her to leaving, and finally how she joined Fenrir. She talks in monotone about everything as if she's going through a mission report, but Soma knows something is missing -- the thing her and Alisa talked about back in the hospital.

"What about the promise Alisa said you made?" he finally speaks up on the end, and that's when she turns away from him. Soma knows he's hit the nail in the coffin in that moment. 

"Yu made me promise the last time I saw him...that _I couldn't kill myself_ ," she explains softly as her eyes start turning red, "I could only die for the sake of others, it's the only reason I became a God Eater. I wanted to die, Soma." 

She begins to hiccup and it reminds him of how she was crying the day that Shio disappeared. For all her tenacity, charisma, and general caring attitude towards the rest of Den, Soma knows that he is staring at the truest form of their Leader -- a scared child that had never found her place. He knew that feeling all to well, but he also knew that it could change as well. She had done that for him.

"Do you still feel that way?" he questions, as she turn to see that he has moved to sitting right next too her. She cries a little harder, as Soma just watches with a sad smile on his face hoping he'll receive answer. However, he gets something when she grasps onto his arm and starts sobbing into his shoulder.

"I don't know," his enhanced hearing picks up her soft declaration, but it rings loudly in his heart. His smile doesn't change much, but Soma is happy and now he can definitely say it with confidence. He's in love.  

However, before he can say anything else, he hears her soft snoring as she leans into his shoulder once more. A soft sigh reaches leaves her lips and Soma feels a blush heating his face quickly, as she clings to him a bit tighter than before, all the emotional weight that came with their talk might have tired her out. And in that moment alone in her room, Soma lets everything go and leans in a little more, grasping her hand with his own.

"Thank you."

 That's all he says before following her into the land of sleep.

* * *

To say that waking up next to Soma was weird is an understatement and you guys try to forget abut the incident as awkwardly as you can, but afterwards everything seems to be going up hill from there as he seems to take his new duty as Vice-Captain very seriously. He always seems to have you back and readily takes on the duties you assign or just can't seem to keep up with. Aside from that, Soma seems to have taken up the mantel of his parents' work and had started his own research into Aragami, while helping other Units whenever he had the time. The two of you were slowly becoming different people, but that isn't the important thing at hand. 

 Between the three ladies of Unit 1, you were all deciding what you and Alisa were going to wear and who was going to be your date. 

 "I'm taking Kota," Alisa declares, though she has a sour look on her face the entire time. You raise an eyebrow at the suddenly remark because even though they are good friends now, Kota and Alisa still end bickering like children. 

 "You don't have to, Alisa" you begin to explain as Sakuya shakes her head, "I could--"

 "No! You are taking Soma, end of story," the Russian declares as Sakuya turns you around to put a dress in front of your uniform. The blush on your face has her sending you a questioning glance, as she starts to slowly put two and two together. 

 "W-When did you guys figure it out?" you whisper shyly as the older woman is over her head because she knew, she knew since the damn beginning and now she knows she has to tell Lindow. Alisa is a bit more confused. 

 "Know what?" she questions, as she looks at herself in the red dress she is wearing in the rare full-length mirror you guys borrowed from Hibari. 

 "...That I like Soma," you turn away as Sakuya and Alisa look at each other, goofy smiles on their faces at your sudden declaration. 

 "Well, then we have to make sure this goes well now!"

* * *

"Soma! You have to try the tuxedo on," Lindow bangs on the young man's door as Kota watches from behind, already dressed and trying to figure how to tie his ribbon.

 "Yeah! What will the Leader think if her date  **stands** her up?" Kota yells loudly enough as Lindow turns to stare at him in amusement, from the other side of the door they can hear sudden crashing and some harsh cursing. 

 "What you think I didn't know?" Kota shrugs as Lindow starts laughing. 

* * *

Sakuya is the prettiest bride you have ever seen, well technically she is the only bride outside of books that you have seen so far, but in her white dress and as she cries when Lindow says "I do", you can't help but smile for a bit. It isn't a big wedding, only for those within then Den, but everyone does get rowdy when the festivities begin as one of the large conference rooms is turned into a makeshift wedding hall. You watched as Kota tried to get Alisa to dance with him, which just ended up with them fighting over who was going to lead. You and Soma were fine sitting in the corner and watching everyone else.

 Except Soma wasn't really fine, as he tried to keep his eyes from roaming how you were wearing a dark-ruffled dressed, similar to Alisa's, that stopped near your knees. It was accented with a long sleeve dress jacket to cover your back and your usually short haired was longer and pulled back in a fancy-do. There was a small smile on your face and it all honest it was the happiest he had seen you since Shio left.

 "Is something wrong?" Soma knows he's been caught staring, as your curious gaze meets his. There's light makeup on your face that makes your lips shiny and for once in his life he might be feeling his age, feeling like a teenager trying to get the girl to like him, as he had seen on those old shows NOVA had stored.

 "Y-Yoou lo-ok nice," he manages to stutter out as you catch on quickly to what he was trying to say. He sees a light blush on your face, as you pull a strand of hair behind you ear, showing more of your neck than Soma is used to.

 "You look hand-some," you do a better job than him, but your voice cracks lightly near the end, as Soma rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, as he watches Tatsumi trying to dance with Hibari who seems taken back by the Unit 2 leader's dance moves.

 "Do you want to dance?" he asks softly, you laugh and shake your head cause you know Soma is quick to the wrong idea at times.

 "I'm fine right here," is all you say before turning back to look at the party, the blond wants to say something else, ask about something that had been bothering him for quite sometime now. However, all thoughts stop when he feels slightly calloused fingers playing with the palm of his hands. 

 Blue eyes turn to look at you once more, but you seem to be ignoring his obvious distress in order to keep smiling, though your hand soon encloses on his own with a tight squeeze. You swing them back and forth lightly for the rest of the night, and Soma tries his hardest to not die right then and there.      


	45. FDS, part 1.

After the Amamiya wedding, things seem to calm down but there is also a high tension between you and Soma, though you aren't sure exactly why. Well, that's actually a lie because you know you want to confess your feelings, but are afraid of what would happen afterwards -- the rejection that would come if you opened your heart completely. Unknowingly, Soma was in a similar situation, but he didn't know how to ask if you actually meant those words you had whispered to him some time back, if the moments you spent together --watching each other's backs, sharing reports, reading in total silence-- were just of friendship or if it ran into something deeper. You're both at this strange impasse, unsure of what to do and frankly the other two members of your team were getting tired of it. 

"When are you going to tell him?" Alisa declares harshly, as you keep writing the report that is due to Tsubaki on the latest mission and the recent rise in Aragami attacks within a certain area. You look up at her and shake your head.

"I don't know. I'm pretty happy--" you start, but the Russian cuts you off with an aggravated sigh. It was the same thing you told her every time she asked, and she didn't believe that you were just happy with being friends with Soma, especially when she noticed how the two of you looked at each other all the time. A bunch of lovesick fools.

"You're lying," the blond states, as you frown. However, nothing much else can be said as Kota and Soma walk into the room. The brown-haired boy and blond look at each other for a moment, but all Kota can do is shrug -- he didn't get much out of the older teenager either. 

The days pass as Unit 1 continues to a four man group and during one such day, you all see a giant announcement declaring the return of "Friendship Day", much to everyone's confusion except Kota's. His excitement continues until lunch time in one of those rare moments where you are all seated together.

"What is FDS exactly?" Alisa questions, as you look at Kota while Soma keeps on eating. 

"It's a open festival for all Outer Ghetto citizens. You can participate too with music or a cafe," Kota happily explains as the two of you nod, as this is new information even though you have lived within the Outer Ghetto most of your life you had never gone, and if you're correct Soma hasn't either. That's when an idea pops into your head.

"Ok guys! Unit 1 is officially joining FDS," you stand up and declare as three pairs of eyes look at you with a mix of emotions, "So, everyone has a part, we are making a band with the Vice-Captain in charge!"

 "W-What?" Soma drops his fork as he looks at you, even though you both know he's actually very good with music. He stands up ready to argue when you give him a bright smile, alongside the excited eyes of Kota and Alisa stop him dead in his tracks. 

"Okay," is all he says as he pushes his hoodie in front of his face more, as the rest of Unit 1 cheers. And Soma can't help but think if he really is as whipped as Lindow said he was. 

* * *

Through various means, you are able to get all the equipment that is asked of you by Soma and soon all four of you are able to start practicing, and you soon realize that Soma can be really driven and passionate when he wants to be. Yes, he is a little harsh but his lessons are in-depth and he treats all the instruments with the upmost care. You and Kota might complain, but you're all excited about this little side project. However, that doesn't stop others from talking. 

_He can play an instrument ? Is he even human? It must be tough for the Leader to handle such a beast._

Needless to say, Kota and Alis had to stop you from beating someone up once Kota what he had heard, but it wasn't getting any easy when Soma suddenly declared that he was leaving the band -- that you guys could do better without him. You groan in frustration that some feelings don't die so easily, something you still fight with at times as well. You give Soma a day to cool down, thinking that he'll just come over and figure out that you guys only have this because of him. However, it just gets worse when you find Soma close to beating up someone that was messing with music equipment. 

 "SOMA!" you yell out and step in front of him before things get any worst. He slowly snap out of his haze as you let go of his leg that about to hit the other God Eater. You give the man a side glance as Soma shakes his head, remorse evident on his face.

"Take your friend and leave," you say in your coldest voice possible, something you haven't used in a long time, "And you don't wanna know what I'll do if I ever see you again." 

The nameless God Eater leaves, as Soma lets out a defeated sigh. More people are talking but you have to let him go as Tsubaki calls out your name.  


	46. FDS, part 2.

 " _I understand my role as Leader in this incident and I will gladly take any punishment you deem fit, but please don't remove Soma due this."_

 "The Leader is aware of her role in this incident, as such all of Unit 1 will be under house arrest for 3 days. This is non negotiable," Tsubaki declares as Soma just slams his hand onto Paylor's table, angry that all his team is paying for his stupid mistake.  

"STOP SCREWING AROUND!" Soma yells, but neither of them seems fazed by it, "Just kick me out of the team. Why are you putting their heads on the table?" 

Tsubaki frowns, but Dr. Sakaki is the one that starts explaining things like a father to a scolded child. Soma has to reign his emotions in, hands tightening into fists, as he hears what the Leader has done for him. 

"She's accepting this punishment so that you aren't removed from the team and can keep going with the FSD preparations, like the team you all are. All four one, one for all, Soma. Would you really waste all her effort?" Old Man Sakaki questions, as Soma can't help but sigh and turns to leave the room. Tsubaki shakes her head, as Paylor laughs. 

"Ah, too be young and in love." 

* * *

"This doesn't suit me," Soma murmurs to himself as he throws away the notes over the metal bar as he looks at the Outer Ghetto. Hundreds of people struggling to survive, and while he knew that he had it better than most, at what price had it come? He was still a monster to most, only the idiots of Unit 1 accepted him. Was that enough? How could they just ignore everything he was? Soma knew he shouldn't think this way, that he was better than this but in the darkness all those thoughts swallowed him whole.   

"What doesn't suit you?" a voice question, as Soma turn to see the Leader in baggy pants and a tank top. She reaches for the papers and her eyes widen at what she understands, she hum a little melody that Soma knows so well. She looks up and smile, something Soma knows he doesn't deserve. 

"It's a good song, Soma," she leans against the metal bar and keeps humming, "Are you still mad?"

"Why are you always like that?" Soma growls at her, as she straightens up slightly, "You don't get it. I was born a weapon, I have lived as a weapon all this time, even my parents wished for it. Fight and die -- my life shouldn't have any other purpose."

"Soma," she whispers softly, but Soma keeps going. The latch of his emotions had spilled off and he reveals almost everything he has been feeling for awhile now. 

"But, you...you keep reminding me of that I could live a normal life. All the anger I used to have, it's gone but doesn't that just make me weak? Why do you keep having my back in everything? I'm just a monster, one day I just might devour you to, ya know?"  

She steps a bit closer to him, a neutral look on her face that he has never seen before as she says softly, "Soma, your hand."

She stays quiet for a long moment, but her thumb rubbing over his knuckles calms him down a bit.

"I don't know much about it, but people are like music, no? Notes comes together to make a song, people listen and they get inspired or see something they never saw before. You're a note that can't be removed, Soma. And if you're worst nightmares happen, I'll be there to stop ya," she laugh softly like it's any normal day, but he knows that she's making him and promise and his Leader never breaks her promises. 

"You're an idiot," Soma states like its a fact, as she laughs. 

"Maybe, but I'm your idiot," she smiles, and Soma knows that there's a hidden undertone to what she just said, but it isn't something that he wants to explore tonight, not after everything he had just said. But, in that smile and her hand over his, he knows she's waiting for him. 

 

* * *

"Are you guys ready?" you yell out to the rest of Unit 1 from your side of the stage. Kota yells, Alisa smiles, and Soma nods. The music began and all you could do was smile at the memories being made. 

> _Stay high, I’ve forgotten_  
>  _This clear blue sky_  
>  _Surely given by you,_  
>  _The shining true feeling._

And to this day, all four of you have a picture of the whole team smiling post concert. 


	47. happy birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sort of gave mc a birthday, sort of didn't. after this we are officially heading into the second shio arc.

When Yu had first met you, your age and deposition made him think you were a winter child - silent and cold to new people and the two of you celebrated as such when you had the chance. It wasn't until much later that you placed the timeline together in your head that you were probably born during the late spring or early summer, but by then barely anyone cared within the orphanage -- to them all that mattered was that you lived another day and made use of your worth to them. So by the time, you were staring at the paperwork to join Fenrir, there was only one birth date that rang clearly in your head. 

June 6th --  _Yu's birthday._

So, you placed it as such because surely without him you wouldn't even be alive today. 

 

* * *

**One week until June 6th**. 

 "Guys! Guys!" Kota comes into the Den yelling at his teammates who give him questioning looks. Alisa is about to stop him when he asks, "What are we gonna do for her birthday?"

"What do you mean?" Alisa asks as she places a had through her hair. It was one of those rare missions that they went to as a 3-man team since their Leader was off training some of the new recruits. Soma quirks an eyebrow at the sudden information because she never talked about her birthday, though she probably knew all of theirs and those of the rest in the Den.  

"Her birthday's in a week!" Kota shouts and end up getting the attention of everyone else in the room. They turn to look at him, bright eyes and excitement in the air as everyone gathers around Unit 1. Tatsumi is grinning and the rest of Unit 2 are nodding there heads, already thinking way ahead of them.

"What are you guys planning then?"

**5 days until June 6th.**  

"What's your favorite food?" Kota asks you one day, as the two of you spend lunch together since Alisa and Soma are busy with their own personal projects at the moment. You pause midway through eating your meal and look at the smiling boy-haired teenager. It's an odd question and it takes you opening and closing your mouth, like a gasping fish, to even comprehend the question.

_"Why do you like eating that?" a young, dirtier version of you, as the short-haired man as he finishes the small sweetness filled in a cup. Brown eyes looks at you with a grin in his face, proud that you were coming out of your shell._

_"Because pudding is the sweetest thing in the world," he explains as he bops your nose with his index finger,"Just like you!"_

_"_ Pudding," you explain, as Kota nods as if taking a mental note, "Good pudding is hard to find, ya know?"

**3 days until June 6th.**

"Soma, what do you plan on giving the Leader?" Alisa questions the older boy as they make their way to the lunch area. Everyone was slowly doing their part to make this birthday something special, especially when they realized that as an orphan this might be the first time she ever really had time to celebrate it. Unit 2 was handling the decorations, everyone was getting their own presents, while Kota promised to have a home-cooked dinner ready.

Some doesn't say anything, as he pulls his hooding in front of his face to try to hide the impending blush, as Alisa just sighs, "You don't have any idea, do you?" 

_"I would like to see some real flowers one day," she giggles as she pushes the next page, while pausing to talk to the pictures with Shio, Soma watching them from his corner like always._

_"Pretty," Shio declares, as she looks at a pair of variety of purple flowers before looking at the smiling Leader, "Like you."_

_The Leader blushes lightly and laughs, "Asters, huh?"_

"I do, but..." Soma murmurs in embarrassment and looks away as Alisa grins.  

**Night before June 6th.**

There is a knock on your door shortly before you turn in after completing most of the reports that are due to Tsubaki soon. You yawn and the door open to show Soma standing awkwardly while rubbing the back of his neck. You smile and lean on the frame of door, waiting for what he has to say but thinking it might be to scandalous for him to enter your room this time of night. You wait a few good minutes before he starts talking. 

"Is tomorrow really your birthday?" He questions and your eyes widen a bit because through everything you had forgotten what day it was.

"No, it's _his_  birthday," you remark as Soma nods, "I don't know my own, but it seems appropriate because I'm alive cause of him."

"Huh, good to know," Soma nods with a slightly more frown than before, which causes you to cock your head slightly.  

"Why is something wrong?" you question. 

"Just be ready for tomorrow,"  he says mysteriously before nodding and going back into his room. You can only shrug, a little bit more uneasy, and held back into your own. 

**June 6th.**

You wonder if Soma's sort-of warning had something to so with the fact that you nearly saw none in the Den. You tried going to the gym and Gen wasn't there, you tried talking to Tatsumi and he left the moment he saw you. Hell, you had even tried looking for the rest of Unit 1, but Tsubaki sent you on a sole mission for the rest of the day before you could do anything else. It felt a bit more annoying than before, but you would never say not to a good fight. It was almost dark when you finally came back to the Den and Soma was standing in front of the elevators. 

"Is something wrong?" you question at the usually quiet den, as the older teenager just shakes his head. 

"You have to act surprised, ok?" He nods, as your eyes just widen. Soma motions you to follow him. The two of you take the stairs that lead further into the Den and into one of the bigger conference rooms. You quirk an eyebrow at Soma, as he just shrugs. You take a minute before opening the door and in that moment you let out a watery laugh at the rest of the Den is crammed together in this little room yelling out  _Happy Birthday._

"Happy Birthday to You." Soma whispers softly next to you, as he pulls out three flowers that are all to familiar to you. The tears start a little more strongly as you are reminded of a certain white-haired girl you loved living on the moon.

 "Thank you," is all you can say before being pulled into the party by a grinning Kota and smiling Alisa, only to party the night away with the rest of the Den. 


	48. the beginning of the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go people, arius nova saga starts now!

Maybe, Soma's a coward because after your "birthday celebration" he dives in head first into looking into the remaining Nova fragments that were scattered after Shio disappeared. The two of you still talk here and there, but he is out of the base, even out of the "country", looking for anything that it left of the disaster his parents caused. There is a lot of emotions mixed into this search --anger, disappointment, relief, atonement-- but there was also a feeling of joy mixed into all this, that maybe one day the two of you would be able to live a day without thinking about not dying, as childish a notion as it was to Soma most of the time. 

Soma knew what his feelings were. He potentially knew what your own feelings were towards him, and he promised himself that when this was all done, he might finally confess to all this. 

Then, all hell broke lose when he was told that the Arius Nova had escaped from Aegis Island.

* * *

It's the middle of the night when Dr. Sakaki calls the main core of Unit 1 into his office, and when you're there you see Soma standing next to him with a frustrated look on his face. It's only then you figure out it probably has to do with the Nova fragments. Soma had left sometime ago to hunt down all of the remaining Nova pieces in order to stop something like that from ever happening again, but you also knew it was because of the sense of guilt he felt as the son of the man who created it, as the son of a woman who would so anything to move humanity forward in its fight for survival. Soma had too much weighing on his shoulders, and with the question of Shio hanging in the air you had decided to keep your feelings to yourself. 

It was better like that in the long run anyways. 

Now, Soma was back, unable to look any of you in the eye, and saying something had escaped Aegis Island, God, you hated that place so much by now. 

"Then, yesterday, we had discovered a hole had been gouged out of the containment field," Soma explains, as all three of you look at him. You know it is a serious situation, but you can't help but feel a little proud of how far he has come since you had meet him on that stupid mission that seemed ages ago. 

Alisa and Kota exclaim in confusion, but all you seems to care about is that Soma is blaming himself harshly that shouldn't fall under him, just like Unit 1 was a team -- all this was a team failure as well. However, you knew by know that Soma wouldn't see it that way.

"The inspections weren't through enough. The response wasn't fast enough. I failed and another monster has been unleashed onto the Far East," Soma states somberly, as you frown while Old Man Sakaki echoes the sentiment you are currently feeling. They fight for a moment before the good doctor goes back to explaining the new Aragami threat. 

"The fault is mine. The disaster is of mine making. Let me be the one to amend it," Soma declares, clearly disregarding the rest of the team in the room.

"Soma!" you hiss out at his idea. However, he still doesn't look at you, though Sakaki keeps scolding whatever he says like a child, as you huff out a breath in indignation. The older man finishes giving you the full details, as you tell the team to get ready to head out as soon as possible. You and Soma exchange nothing else, as the three of you leave the room.

 Dr. Sakaki leans into his chair a bit more, as Soma begins to make his own way back to his research station, but before anything else the man that has been watching him for all of his life laughs.  

"Ah, it wasn't that long ago, that you two were just mere loners," Paylor reminisces, as Soma stops walking, "Now, look at you, unable to let the other go out and fight alone. Truly a marvelous sight."

Soma doesn't say anything before leaving the room, as Sakaki shakes his head. 

"Truly as bad as Johannes." 


	49. mind games.

 You and Soma aren't talking, sitting on opposite side of the helicopter as you make it to the city ruins. However, it was supposed to be an easy fight, all of Unit 1 had faced this create before but as it was bought down you felt something different, Alisa was one the said it though. 

"Strange. My God Arc wouldn't respond. Every command I gave was met with a struggle," she comments, as you turn to look at Aragami. Kota's phone is ringing with Hibari yelling that you weren't done just yet, that when it moves. 

"NO!" Soma yells as it attacks all four of you again, though you and Soma are quick enough to move without needing to hold each other, like Alisa and Kota do. You glare at it, as it moves away through the empty hole of the rotting church. Soma curses behind you, and you feel the same way. 

It was going to be a lot harder than you thought it would be.

* * *

**_"Talk to her!"_**

It's what everyone tells him to do, but like always Soma is too stubborn to follow the right course of action. Instead, he throws himself into research, and like Licca figure out a way to defeat the Aragami that seems to be unaffected by God Arcs. He knows it is the exact thing she are going to being, as he sees her talking to the God Arc engineer some time after Unit 1 gets back and he can't help but smirk -- always had to being your curiosity into everything. It could be a little annoying, but it was also one of the things that he adored about you most.

That's when he sees her, crashed head first into a book with Kota by her side, in the mess hall. He frowns at the site, as the younger boy gives him a bashful smile before heading towards him. 

"Is she okay like that?" Soma can't help but ask, as Kota rubs the back of his head. Soft snores coming from where she is sleeping telling them that she is too far gone to listen to their conversation. 

"She's okay, just been reading what all Licca gave her," Kota nods as Soma grimaces at how hard the Leader is working on what should be his problem. He was always dragging people down. 

"You know you couldn't stop her, even if you wanted," Kota breaks his train of thought with a smile, "Just gotta stay positive, ya know?" 

Soma doesn't say anything before turning and walking away, as the shorter boy just shakes his head.      

* * *

"I hope Soma is doing all right," you cock an eyebrow on Kota's sudden statement, as you grab a drink from the vending machine after talking to Dr. Sakaki in regards to the changing Aragami, "He's been back from this lab and Sakaki's for days now. I don't know when he's sleeping...if he's sleeping."

You can't help but shake your had and take of sip of your drink, as Kota keeps letting out his worries, while adding Soma had found some of his mother's old notes and was going through them meticulously.  

"He was grumbling about his dad, and you know how Soma gets when he's on a rant like that. He can curse very creatively," he states and you can't help but laugh a little at thinking about Soma, pacing around and cruising. Kota looks at you and can't help shake his head at the love struck look on your face. 

"But...he had this look in his eyes. It was driven, but almost excited," he continues,"I'm glad, though. He seems to be getting passed all this. Accepting his parents, regardless of their...problems."

"He's come a long way," you agree before taking another sip of your drink. Brown eyes staring at you to say something else, but you just smile and shrug.   

"...It's too much for one guy to handle. I wouldn't be able to. It's the same thing with Alisa. I don't know how to help him. How to make it better again," he finally admits, as you smile at how much he cares about everyone in Unit 1. You pat his back lightly as he sighs.

"And of course, I always come whining to you for help," Kota sighs out.

"You're just as much of a help to me, Kota," you explain as brown eyes look at you, "Unit 1 would be nothing but brooding teenagers if it wasn't for you."

You laugh, as he shakes his head though the smile on his face makes you know that he caught your point. You push a bit with your elbow, as he laughs. 

"Well, then I have to make it happen. Let Operation: Laughing Soma begin!" he gets up and yells, though you can't help but laugh at the thought of Soma actually laughing, since small smiles were the most you got at times. 

"It's only now I realize that I've never gotten him to even crack a smile," Kota's eyes widen in realization as you keep laughing, only harder as you clutch your sides. Kota laughs before moving in for the killing blow.

"But, I'm sure you have, _huh_ Leader?"

"That's insubordination, Kota!" 


	50. slow down.

Things get a little rough when Dr. Sakaki and Tsubaki decide to add Sakuya back on to the team. It's a little disappointing, but you knew you needed all the man power you could get at this point. The team end up splitting into two groups, you with Sakuya and the other three together, and you can't hep but frown a little at everything going on. Sakuya seems to notice this as you are surveying. 

"Don't worry everything will be fine," Sakuya gives you a pleasant smile, though you only she is only trying to appease you, something she only does with Soma and it almost makes you want to laugh. 

"I know," is all you manage to say. 

That's when all hell breaks loose and Nova attacks Soma, Alisa, and Kota though you don't know until it's too late. 

* * *

_Utterly reckless, that stupid idiot. What the hell happened to don't be Lindow?_

The table turns, as Soma becomes the one in the hospital with the Leader watching over him, a concern look on her face and tears forming in the corners of her eyes. However, the moment his eyes clash with her, he's knows he's done for as he sits up and endures a through scolding with the doctors say he can't leave for another few days, even though he has healed up. However, he understands that it is more psychological than physically, that the Nova and the wait on his shoulders of his parents' sins caused him to make some rash decisions that almost cost him and two other lives. 

If it hadn't been for...

"No, it's not her," Soma mutters to himself with working on his laptop, even he found difficult to think that fragment that had saved them wasn't Shio. He had seen the Leader go through the some questioning since then, asking him more about what was going on, even if she seemed a little more distant since the attack. 

She was disappointed in, and he was as well. However, he knew he couldn't be like her, charismatic with everyone at her feet, he had to find his own way.    

"Soma," his name is said in a lightly threat and he knows that he has to put the laptop away, at least for now. She had told him off during his last explanation that he couldn't be working all the time, so anytime she was here he had to put any work away. Blue eyes clash with hers, as she gives him a soft smile with food from the canteen in her hands -- sandwiches and canned drinks, it isn't a lot but his stomach still growls. 

"You forgot to eat again," she laughs, as his cheeks turn a little red.

"Maybe," is all he says as she turns to sit next to him in the bed, handing him his own portion before digging into his own. The medbay is quiet since Alisa and Kota had been allowed to rest in their own room and none of the medical staff really bothered Soma. Nothing is said for a long while.

"I shouldn't have let this happened. If I had just dealt with this on my own, I should have never you all in my mistakes," Soma finally lets out, as she watches him from the corner of your eye, food forgotten. However, she stay quiet as he continues.

"I'm not the God Eater you are...Everyone knows. I don't delude myself, but still," he finished with a ragged sigh at the end, "The Nova was my responsibility, at least I thought it was."

Soma goes on about his parents' sins and how he felt the need to do something about what his parents had done, even if his burden was all one his own, which he know causes that frown to appear on her face. Blue eyes look her way, waiting for her to say something -- anything.  

"I'm sorry, I've taken up your time with my self-loathing," he lets out a soundless chuckle while shaking his head, as she scoot closer to him. He mouth opens about to say something when he chooses to start talking about how the Nova fragment isn't Shio, that she shouldn't believe it's her. She gives him a bitter smile. 

"I know, Soma,"  she whispers softly, but there seems to be a croak in her throat for a moment, as she places his hand over his, "But, just like you have my back. You gotta know, I have yours too."

"Yeah, that's good to know," Soma says awkwardly, as she lays her head on top of his shoulder and sighs just a little. A bright blush on both of their faces that neither them seem to notice.   


	51. potential.

Everyone comes back from their injuries pretty quickly, Soma being the first but outside that little moment that the two of you had in the med bay, you hadn't seen much of each other -- he was working with Sakaki and you with Licca on gathering materials. There were moments when you passed each other in the hallways, give each other nods or a smile, wishing each other a good day, but outside of that a bridge in never crossed. It might be because of the whole Shion thing, but you can't cross that line that might destroy the deepest connection you have in the Den.  

You love Soma, you can say that with complete certainty now compared to a few months back, and that's the scariest thing of all. 

Staring at the ceiling of your room, you wonder if this is how Sakuya felt at this timing, loving and worrying for Lindow. 

* * *

Old Man Sakaki spews facts and details to the rest of Unit 1, as Soma watches from the sidelines, already knowing everything the current Director tells them. He tries to remain stoic like always, however he can't help but glance at their Leader watching silent everything that is going on, as Kota tries to make a joke and Alisa just shakes her head. As he starts talking about God Arc "delicacies" and how they have a potential to beat the new Aragami, her eyes are completely on him as her eyes grow softer for a moment and he tries not to get tongue-tied in that moment -- Soma might be a researcher now, but he was still a teenager as well and the girl he liked was looking at him a certain way that she hasn't before.

"Hence, we must make our God Arcs stronger, yes? We must devour Aragami, rare ones, that they Nova has never seen before," Sakaki moves forward the explanation, as the Leader nods in understanding while Alisa declares her excitement. 

"It won't be easy. I mean, it never is. Some Aragami have eaten aritfical Nova fragments, making them very rare," Soma explains once more, as their Leader nods in understanding. 

Sakaki makes a joke, but it seems that Alisa and Kota have taken the danger of these new Aragami to heart, but Soma can see the twinkle in their Leader's eyes as her smile turns feral for a moment -- she's ready for the fight, and Soma can't help but shake his head a little in amusement. 

"As luck would have it, we already have a lead on a number of potential Dreadnoughts," Sakaki continues and the look in the Leder's eyes turns wicked. Soma wants to frown at the thought that she is too excited for this but he knew this was something that was needed in order to face these Aragami, in order to stop the Nova for a 2nd time. Sakaki continues talking, though he is remorse that they have to do this regardless of how they are feeling. 

"So I ask, are you up for the challenge?" Sakaki declares, as the Leader simply nods though Kota voices his own fear but he is excited more than anything else. 

Everyone agrees and the meeting is over, as Alisa and Kota leave to prepare a little. The Leader talks a little while longer to Dr. Sakaki before leaving, only to have Soma follow her as they enter the hallway. She stops to stare at him, that same soft smile on her face that has his heart thumping like crazy. 

"I saw that look on your face," he tries to remain calm, "Don't go overboard."

"I know," is all she says with a wink, "Besides, I know you got my back." 

Soma shakes his head before pulling his hoodie a bit closer to his face. His eyes to the ground, as her voice echoes in the hallway and his ears at her declaration. 

"I hope that when this is all said and done with, you'll listen to what I have to day," her voice nearly breaks in the end, confidence shaken for a moment and it scares the hell out of Soma, on what she might have to tell him but all he can do it nod. 

Soma stands there until her footsteps echo all the way towards the elevator, and he is left standing there alone. 


	52. thank you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i missed soma's birthday, and it's only fair we have a birthday chapter for him as well! so enjoy!

The days pass faster now that everyone is trying their hardest to gain materials for the God Arcs in order to defeat the NOVA. You and the rest of Unit 1 are outside usually gathering materials, while Soma and Dr. Sasaki along with Licca after inside putting plans and layout together -- making sure that everything is okay on their end when everything goes down. Between all that, it's nothing but sleeping an eating and if you get chance for a fleeing thought -- you think about what you said to Soma. It had been a slip second chance sort of thing, something you regretted and wanted to take back, but the more you thought about it -- you knew it was the right thing. It was better to end this chapter of your life with Soma and Shio, no use living in the what-ifs that your job didn't have the time for. 

If he rejected you, well you could always rebuild. If he felt the same way, well-- you weren't sure what the next step was after that. 

"Leader, are you okay?" Alisa asks as she saw you becoming distant, as if getting lost in a daydream before the mission at hand started. 

"She's probably just thinking about Soma," Sakuya steps in with her own comment, as you drop you stare to the wet concert. Sakuya had fully been aware of what you had declared a few days back since Soma had probably gone to Lindow for advice and well that man couldn't keep his mouth shut, especially when it came to his own wife. She smiles as Alisa catches what is going on rather quickly -- you're just glad Kota isn't here.

"You know his birthday is coming up soon," Sakuya winks at you like you didn't already knew thanks to NOVA.  Alisa gives you a sneaky smile as you shake your head before going down the cliff, more prepared to face the Aragmi than their teasing. 

* * *

 On the other hand, Soma has too much to time to himself, thinking about your determined face and the words you had told him in the middle of the hallway. He sighs before getting up from his research and walking around the room for a moment. He didn't know that a lack of Aragami hunting would have him so stir crazy, or maybe if it was that he just hadn't seen Unit 1 --and his Leader-- in days. 

What if he asked to go on a mission? Yeah, that could help.

"Ah Soma," Old Man Sakaki declares as he enters to room to see Soma moving about, "Happy birthday!"

"What?"  Soma can't help but question, as Sakaki smiles. Neither Soma nor Johaness had been particular on celebrating said young man's birthday due to different reasoning, but it all came back to Alisha if they looked at it hard enough. Sakaki had tried to celebrate here and there when Soma was younger, hell even Lindow and Sakuya had once or twice but it never stuck as Soma mostly spent it shut away in his room with no need to celebrate the say he had killed his mother.

And while, his feelings had changed in the past year, he had still largely forgotten the day due to that and everything was just on his plate at the moment. It wasn't like her "birthday" a few months back that stuck in the front of his skull until the day finally arrived. 

"What is that?" Soma finally gets out of his overthinking to notice that Sakaki is holding a large decorated box with a grin as his face that put Soma's heightened senses on overdrive. 

"Unit 1 is going to be gone for a couple on days looking for more Aragami materials," Sakaki explains as Soma already knows where he is going with all this, "She thought I should give you all your present now, along with some other things." 

That damn noisy Leader, but Soma can't think of a time that anyone had done this for him, as he looks away from a moment. Sakaki keeps smiling as he places the box in Soma's hands and leaves the room with a cheeky wave, leading to Soma standing there for a long time unsure of what to do next, eventually deciding to take a seat on the couch. He proceeds to start rummaging through said box. 

Liquor from Lindow and Sakuya. Bitter candies from Kota and his family. Books on Aragami Research (in Russian) from Alisa. Photos from all of them since they became this version of Unit 1.

"Those idiots," Soma murmurs to himself as he sees all funny faces and adventures, though quite unsure of how they manage to catch all these and with what equipment. However, he can't help but pause at the photo of him and the Leader leaning into each other after an Aragami fight from when Shio was still around. Their backs are to the camera but she has her arm around his shoulder, as he's trying to balance both carrying her and his God Arc. He stops and stares at it for a moment, a symbol of their motto staring right back at him. 

It's then that he sees the last time in the box -- a small pot of dirt with a card tied to it, and by the process of elimination Soma knows who it has to be from, remembering the asters he had given her in June and wondering if this was going to be a "thing" between them now. 

 Soma takes out the pot gently and rips the letter open, only to see all too familiar slanted writing. Blue eyes scan over it and while it isn't a long message, Soma can't help the rush of embarrassment and multitude of other feeling that she brings out in him as of recently.     

 

>   _If you water it, azaleas show start to grow, unless the merchant was lying to me! Azaleas are said to mean "gratitude". So, this is my thanks to you (on your birthday) for being a dear friend and always having my back. This is my thank you to Alisha and Johannes for having you on this day._

> _Thank you for being born, Soma!_

Soma stares at the words for a very long time, unsure if anyone had ever told him that. He lets out a huff and leans into the couch, an arm thrown over his eyes as the other holds the letter as if its the most fragile thing in the world. His heart is thumping but his mind is completely blank.

It's then Soma realizes that this girl is gonna be the death of him before any Aragami.  


End file.
